Womans Divorce Forum

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Re: When you realise you aren’t going to divorce

Thank you for sharing your story. He is definitely not as self sacrificing as me. I moved here from England for him and I’ve asked him to move back there with me. He will not. He won’t come off steroids for us to have a baby and instead buys fertility treatment off the black market to try to get his fertility back while still using the steroids. It’s a mess. But like your ex husband, he says how much he can’t cope without me and his life would be a mess. I know he does love me but that’s because I am a nice person and he has our life pretty much exactly the way he wants it, until recently where I have started to stand up for myself a little. He is very uncomfortable about that. Keeps saying he wants things to go back to normal. Well, it wasn’t normal for me, I just wasn’t being my true self and keeping my mouth shut about things.
I’m so glad you are happy now and found your escape

Re: When you realise you aren’t going to divorce

Think hard and long before having a child with him. You seem very unhappy in this marriage. He will be the same way with his child as he is with you. Would you want that for your child. If you could go home to England I would and not look back. Even if you could conceive would the steroids and fertility drugs affect an unborn child. I have a autistic granddaughter and that isn’t for the faint at heart. He would have equal say over your child not to mention his mother putting her input into raising your child her way not yours.What about your happiness? He isn’t, the only man in the world. Why do you feel he is more important than you are. You are not responsible for him. I feel so sad for you and fear for your future. Try to find the strength to do what is best for you. It is really hard but you can do it. So many times we think they will change and they never will. Keep seeing your therapist. They can’t make you change but can give you tools to work with to help you get a realistic view of your relationship. Don’t give up on yourself.You sound pretty young which is good. I wasted a large part of my life which doesn’t come back to us. Love yourself.

Re: When you realise you aren’t going to divorce

Thank you Lily. I didn’t see your last response. I am young, ish, I’m 36 and going to be 37 soon. I went back on birth control without him knowing. He’s still using the fertility treatment, so I’m hoping my birth control works hard.
I did recently get the divorce paperwork from a lawyer, I just haven’t paid the retainer fee yet. I’m still scared. I know he is going to trash me and act the victim. Or ask me to go to counselling with him. I just don’t want too. Couples counselling is not going to work for me. We do not share the same values and beliefs. It’s pretty clear to me that I am not allowed to express my atheist beliefs or my more liberal point of view. Him and his mum just think it is the devil and outside influence pulling me away. He wants me to have Christian friends only.
I made a mistake and was friends with a male co worker, he found out about our friendship and now just blames that for me being distant. Because I’m thinking of him. It’s not true. I’m just distant because I don’t love him and I don’t like the way he thinks and feels about things and he can’t meet my emotional needs because he does not let me be myself and be my own individual person.
For now I’m holding onto the paperwork and trying to be brave enough to pay the retention fee and move forward with things.