Unfortunately, it sounds as if he’s having a midlife crisis. He’s about ‘the right age.’ Your situation is similar to what happened to me. I’d been married for over 30 years, two kids, had been together since teenage hood. He actually left me twice. The first time, it was definitely a midlife crisis. There were all the signs-He started dressing in tendy T-shirts, changed his music preference, and above all-like for you-turned spiteful towards me and picked fault in almost everything I did or said. I bent over backwards trying to demonstrate how much I cared for him and our marriage. I upped my game-losing weight/dressing well/telling him how much I valued him and loved him. He however, just saw this as me being clinging/needy, and wasn’t interested in meeting me half way in trying to rekindle our relationship. He refused to go to marriage counselling: Not even one session! It worries me that a) Your husband isn’t willing to negotiate/try to work things out with you and b) He’s moved out/found a way round not being able to afford a place if his own. I’m wondering (sadly) therefore, if there IS someone he fancies and has his eyes on already. My ex didn’t meet someone through work. He came home at the usual times (pretty-much), but had become very possessive/secretive of his iPhone and finances, and it turned out he’d been corresponding with women online through dating sites.

After 1 year, he came back. I was initially hugely relived and felt he’d ‘sowed his oats’ and would settle down again. He then, over time, began withdrawing again. Spending more and more time away on motor biking camping holidays, work trips etc. like for you-my husband also became nastier and nastier towards me. It was as if he despised me. I was loving, kind, reassured him of my love and commitment-but the more effort I put in, the more he seemed to despise me/pull away. So I then tried giving him ‘space,’ thinking he might miss me. That didn’t work either. We spent 1 year living in separate bedrooms in the same house. It was emotional hell for me. He was ‘there,’ but untouchable. I bent myself in knots trying to please him/be appealing, hoping he’d change his mind. I now live alone. Never, in my 50s, did I think I’d be living alone. I’m slowly getting used to the adjustment.

What I’m trying to say is-If one half of the partnership has checked out and is not willing to put any effort in/has moved out and is being nasty towards their spouse-It’s usually pretty serious. It may be that he just needs some space, or it may be ‘happening’ and he has genuine intent to end the relationship. Either way-In my own experience-being the one to do all the appeasing/the running around, just made me seem needy (I only realise that now, as at the time it felt like the right thing to do, to make 100% effort to try to show him I much I cared for him/needed him/wanted him).

The best thing to be doing right now is to engage in self-care. He’s a grown adult who is fully-aware that you love him and want to stay together. He knows that already. Some space might be good for you both. It gives you time to calmly think of what life can look like for you if he does leave permanently (use the time to do some research about legal rights/finances etc) and him some time to test whether the grass is greener etc. The more you fuss over him, the more ‘trapped’ he may feel-This is often part of the midlife crisis; feeling ‘trapped.’

Can you arrange some counselling for yourself to guide you through all this? Focus on your health also, eating/sleeping/exercising, as it’s so easy to start neglecting these when we’ve had a shock to the system. Hopefully, his step-dad will be able to ‘talk some sense’ into him? Ultimately, it’s your husband’s decision as to whether to leave your marriage or not. No amount of ‘willing’ will change things, therefore for now, focus on aspects that are within your control-taking care of yourself, listening to calming music, doing yoga, confiding in a trusted friend for support and doing some research to ascertain your rights, in case he walks away. Even the longest marriages have a high rate of divorce in modern society. They’ve even coined the term ‘grey divorce’ as it has, unfortunately, become commonplace. I’m sorry for the shock you’ve had. After such a long time together, it can be really hard-hitting. Here’s hoping that a few days away might help him to see/value what he already has with you and your marriage. I’ll keep my fingers crossed….Hugs x

Your story is basically identical to mine. 33 years together. About to have our 27th anniversary and he has initiated divorce. My soul is crushed and I feel like I can't breathe. I am trying to get through one day at a time, but it feels impossible that I will ever heal. This is not the path I committed to and feel extreme sadness and anger. I am sorry that you both are going through this. I hope we can all find the happiness we deserve.

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