Womans Divorce Forum

Discuss your troubles, compare ex's, offer suggestions, and share stories!

Womans Divorce Forum
Start a New Topic 
Author
Comment
To stay or leave my narcissist husband

Hi,
I've been seeing so much resilience in all the posts that I've gone through on this forum. Most marriages/ relationships are so many years old and I'm sure it is because of the years worth of effort of these women who tried fighting for their love. Which is why I'm so very confused about my own state.

I have known my husband for 4 years and I've known him in his current state for the last 3 years. A state which didn't reveal itself till we were engaged to be married, a state which was very different from the one I fell in love with. He seemed like such a sweet, simple, calm, patient man that i fell in love with. But right after we got engaged, i started seeing this other side of him where he started criticizing me for how I dressed and when i would push back on this because he used to claim he liked me for how i didn't care too much about my appearances, he would blow up and get so angry and make it all my fault! It started like this and became a pattern. I tried breaking things off multiple times but ultimately still went ahead with the marriage, in the hope, that things would improve. I thought these are merely initial relationship struggles that any new couple goes through and since my husband had never really been in a serious relationship prior to this, he would take time to adapt.

But things got worse after marriage. Our fights got worse. My husband would keep subtly humiliating me, putting me down, make me feel stupid and if i tried talking to him about it, he would get angry leading to a fight. He refused to do anything around the house, if i would tell him even to do something, he would call me a nagging high maintenance wife. He expected me to spend 100% of our free time together watching TV which is what he loves doing. If i ever said i don't want to do it and rather spend my time reading on my own, he would get angry. He'd get angry if i went to bed when i did because he wasn't sleepy. He'd get angry if i made plans to go meet my friends or my family without him. In all of these situations, if i ever tried telling him how he was making me feel, he'd get even more angry. In his anger, he would get verbally abusive, tell me I'm extremely sensitive and have a big ego, throw things around the house or bang things. He's asked me to get out of the house multiple times, once even thrown my stuff out. I've told him multiple times, i can't put up with this and also tried walking out but i always came back eventually.

In all this, my husband never really physically hurt me although there were so many times where i knew he was just on the verge of doing that. This is one of the biggest reasons why I've struggled to decide on how i feel about all this. I kept rationalising everything saying I'm overthinking it, that it's all in my head. I asked my husband so many times to go for counseling but he refused saying it's a waste of time. 2 years of this marriage have not been 100% bad. In fact there have been plenty of good times but it's been such mindgames for me. I've not been able to speak to anyone and I'd be left stuck in my head trying to deal with my feelings. My husband always refused to discuss what happened in our fights after we'd calmed down despite my multiple efforts. He's dismissed almost all of my attempts for us to have conversations around how we can make our marriage less toxic.

2 months ago when we were on a road trip, i became very conscious suddenly of how i operated around my husband. I would say something only after I'd filtered it out in my head first and while I'd speak up, my heart rate would start increasing and my breathing would stop. I don't know for how long I'd starting developing such unhealthy physical reactions but i think this was the trigger i needed to make the decision to leave. In hindsight, i started seeing more clearly then about how over time in our marriage I'd started walking on eggshells around my husband. How I'd become accepting of any blame he put on me whenever something didn't go his way. I stopped asking anything of him, did everything myself to avoid him getting angry. Basically had adapted myself to everything that my husband wanted to the extent that i didn't know anymore what i wanted or liked.

Once we were back from the trip, i moved out. My husband at first was confused. He thought thid was just another one of the times I'd walked out and that I'd come back on cooling down. But when i refused to indulge, he started getting desperate. I finally spoke to him and told him this marriage is done for me and i told him I'm too exhausted to make any effort. That's when i started seeing a while different side to him. He started apologizing, claiming he had no idea it was this bad for me and made promises to be better now that he knows this. He's been asking for another chance since then.

This has all left me very confused. I was very sure when i left that i was done with this marriage. I was expecting to feel regret after a while of leaving but i honestly don't miss him. I'm struggling but I'm okay without him. But i still am not sure what to do for this constant request from him to give this another chance. I think both our families are also waiting for me to make a decision and I'm unable to decide.

Re: To stay or leave my narcissist husband

I think you have already taken steps to save yourself. I was married to someone very similar for 43 wasted years. I wish I would have gotten out in the beginning. His anger finally lead to him trying to kill me. Please listen to your brain. It is unheard of for them to change that much. Save yourself before you waste a lifetime like I did.

Re: To stay or leave my narcissist husband

Thank you Lily. I can't imagine how you've gone through this all these years. I hope you have now found happiness and peace.

Re: To stay or leave my narcissist husband

My husband was wonderful until he traveled for work. Then he became a different man similar to your husband. I also have tried. I’m planning the divorce now. Mine has had multiple affairs. Mid-life crisis he is obsessed with sex. I’m tired of trying. Glad to hear your leaving. I’m worried about my future but taking a Day at a time. Best wishes

Re: To stay or leave my narcissist husband

I worry about the future too. But i did this exercise of worst case version of my life if i moved ahead with the divorce and best case version of my life if i stayed on and i realised i still wanted to pick divorce. It made all those thoughts of worry for the future less significant. I hope you find peace eventually.

Re: To stay or leave my narcissist husband

Hi, The behaviours you’ve described by him are very controlling. No one should have to live life as if they’re walking on eggshells/live in fear he may physically harm you. He has already emotionally harmed you over time, which does constitute abuse.

Can you link in with a trauma-informed counsellor to support you on your recovery journey? Maybe also google ‘The Cycle of Violence model,’ as it sounds as if he’s trying to woo you back, but believe me, this will be about him feeling he’s lost ‘power’ over you and the situation, he’ll be trying to get back again. If/when he’s regained that power by you giving in and returning to him, then he’ll have ‘won.’ The cycle will start all over again and you’ll feel even more confused and disempowered to leave him.

Stay away. Seek counselling so you’re not tempted to go back to his toxic, controlling ways. You deserve a better life-potentially with a new partner (if/when ready), who treats you as an equal, respects and celebrates your individuality, who communicates openly and respectfully with you. Well done for leaving. It can take a lot of guts.you deserve SO much better than the ****ty way he’s been treating you ❤️

Re: To stay or leave my narcissist husband

Kaz
Hi, The behaviours you’ve described by him are very controlling. No one should have to live life as if they’re walking on eggshells/live in fear he may physically harm you. He has already emotionally harmed you over time, which does constitute abuse.

Can you link in with a trauma-informed counsellor to support you on your recovery journey? Maybe also google ‘The Cycle of Violence model,’ as it sounds as if he’s trying to woo you back, but believe me, this will be about him feeling he’s lost ‘power’ over you and the situation, he’ll be trying to get back again. If/when he’s regained that power by you giving in and returning to him, then he’ll have ‘won.’ The cycle will start all over again and you’ll feel even more confused and disempowered to leave him.

Stay away. Seek counselling so you’re not tempted to go back to his toxic, controlling ways. You deserve a better life-potentially with a new partner (if/when ready), who treats you as an equal, respects and celebrates your individuality, who communicates openly and respectfully with you. Well done for leaving. It can take a lot of guts.you deserve SO much better than the ****ty way he’s been treating you ❤️
Thank you for those encouraging words. It helps to stay strong. I do wonder though is there any person at all who does all these things that you described? Be equal, respects and celebrates your individuality, who communicates openly and respectfully with? After experiencing the last few years and being told over and over from different people that marriage is hard, i started equating that this is what makes marriage hard. And i find it hard to believe now that there is any person who does all those things, even though i know a few of my friend's marriages which sound similar. I guess I've lost trust on the existence of those concepts.

Re: To stay or leave my narcissist husband

Yes, it’s easy to be wary and to doubt that an equal, fair, honest and trustworthy partner is ‘out there’ when we’ve been through so much trauma (and there are some horrible people out there for sure), BUT there are also some decent guys around. The trick is to find one! We only need one good guy, but sometimes (as one of my friends said to me), we have to kiss a few ‘frogs’ before we find him!

Re: To stay or leave my narcissist husband

*sigh* I am at work, trying not to cry b/c I ID with you so much right now. Last night, it was the last straw. I told my husband finally that one more outburst and I was divorcing him. The same thing happens to me - I'm told that he wants to know how I feel, wants me to talk to him, but when I do, I have to pick and choose words otherwise I'm "dumb" "wrong" or "blaming everything on him" because I "am so perfect" and "can never do anything wrong". My heart literally drops when I think I need to have a real conversation with him b/c they always end in a fight with him screaming at me that I'm just trying to win and acting like a teenager. I try to quietly speak to him in a rational manner and just get talked over, never getting a word in. My daughter and I walk on eggshells [exact words I told him last might] to try to make things go smoothly for him and not to upset him. He tells me that we are the ones that made it that way, that he never says anything. One little word or if he thinks someone has a tone, then we are against him and trying to be mean to him. It's ridiculous. I am so proud of you for moving out! I can't at this point. He got fired, decided he didn't want to go back to work since I took off four years to raise our daughter. So I am paying for everything at this point with my crappy income. Stay strong! I'm 20 years in on the 17th of this month, so count your starts you didn't waste as much time as I did. Sorry to rant on and on. I just identified with you so much and just found this website today. Good luck with your journey.

Re: To stay or leave my narcissist husband

Hugs AKM 🤗