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So close to leaving...

Last night, it was the last straw. I told my husband finally that one more outburst and I was divorcing him. I've been told for the last year that he wants to know how I feel, wants me to talk to him, but when I do, I have to pick and choose words otherwise I'm "dumb" "wrong" or "blaming everything on him" because I "am so perfect" and "can never do anything wrong". My heart literally drops when I think I need to have a real conversation with him b/c they always end in a fight, with him screaming at me at the top of his lungs, shaking that I'm just trying to win and acting like a teenager. I try to quietly speak to him in a rational manner and just get talked over, never getting a word in. My daughter and I walk on eggshells [exact words I told him last might] to try to make things go smoothly for him and not to upset him. He tells me that we are the ones that made it that way, that he never says anything. One little word spoken incorrectly or if he thinks someone has a tone, then we are against him and trying to be mean to him. It's ridiculous. He's depressed but will not seek medical help. He's definitely OCD. And since getting fired from his job a year ago, he's honestly become bi-polar. I even confronted him about worrying about his reactions to little things causing him to loose it, and that I thought he should talk to someone. He reacted so scary, screaming and yelling, throwing things and leaving, that my poor daughter thought for sure he was off to commit you know what, and made me hide our handgun for weeks. Not something a 15 year old girl needs to go through. I wish I could move out, but I can't at this point. He got fired, decided he didn't want to go back to work since I took off four years to raise our daughter and he thinks it is his turn to not work. So I am paying for everything at this point with my crappy income. I'm 20 years in on the 17th of this month, and I just think, what a waste of time. Sorry to rant on and on. I just found this website today and after reading a few other posts got the courage to write and vent. I sometimes question if it really is me that is causing all the problems, but I know deep down it isn't. I want to go to therapy but every time I mention it he gets so angry and says that it what he is for and why do I want to talk to a stranger and throw money away. It felt good to tell him I wanted out, but I know I will have a really hard time mentally and financially doing it. Any advice is welcomed. Thank you for listening...

Re: So close to leaving...

It’s so scary to read the situations that men put us in and how so many use control to prevent us from leaving and break our confidence down. I’m still in the ‘I want to divorce but can’t quite seem to do it’ stage because I feel sorry for my husband if I left him and how lonely his life would be (even though he’s made it that way).
I encourage you to have a free consultation with a divorce lawyer and see if they can help you make a plan, also individual counselling for yourself to build your confidence up, they can also help you make a plan to leave.

Re: So close to leaving...

While I can't tell you what is right for your situation, I can say that I have played the same mind games with myself over my marriage over the past 4 years. I know that I am not treated well (many of the same behaviors you described - everything is my fault, I am stupid, I am not a good wife, I need to be "corrected", I need to be "submissive", I have treated him badly, get yelled at whenever I disagree with him, I could go on...). No physical abuse, but feel bullied, manipulated, miserable from his mental and verbal abuse, and if I try to defend myself and it just makes him more angry. I have been anxious and sad and not myself for years. We have discussed divorce for years and I was always afraid, mainly because of my children, but now that we are starting the process, I feel relieved and almost happy. We have agreed on almost everything and now I am starting to look forward to a life without all the daily stress and drama and just being happy.

I guess my takeaway is listen to yourself. You know in your heart what is right for you. Don't let outside voices confuse you.