I share a child with a man. Been in each other lives for 9 years. We’ve split up once while our kid was 1 for about a year. Other than that one year we’ve lived together and parented together. He has other kids with another women before me. We had an absolutely amazing relationship until the day my son was born. I remember sitting in the back seat on the way home from the hospital crying silently while looking out the window. I was so scared wondering if it was normal bc I’m a first time mom and have no idea what I’m doing or crying because I made such a huge mistake having a child with this guy. He got mad at me that I told the doctor I wasn’t ready to be checked out of the hospital and he wanted to go home. I wasn’t making breast milk yet.y son wouldn’t stop crying. So the doctor said I needed to stay for one more night for insurance purposes to give me a little more support. The night kicked him out was when my son was about 1.5 we still hadn’t had sex since I gave birth after me begging him. He claimed he was depressed. Found him messaging random strangers on snap chat about how lonely he was etc. he moved out and got his own place (our place was mine) I have been extremely depressed since having my son and have no history of depression prior. I am scared of parenting alone. Of juggling work and parenting. Of having to have strangers babysit my kid. Of affording basic needs. He claims to have turned a leaf and realizes that “the grass isn’t always greener” really worked hard for a few months to get me back. I decided this was it and I’m gong to grow old with this guy, we have a kid together and letting my baby spend the night with him one night a week was killing me. I wanted my baby to have one home bc I see how his older siblings suffer from the split households and lack of respect for each other in general. I’m determined to make it work for my son. For better financial stability. My whole family was happy I made that decision. I sold my house he sold his and we bought one big house for all of us. As soon as my house was sold I feel a disconnect. Of almost an ok well we’re stuck now so I don’t have to try. Many fights later over anything and everything- I told him I want to separate. Instead of continuing to fight like usual he just says ok. And it’s done. My son fell asleep tonight to us yelling at each other. He is above everything else to me and I feel so terrible that I let this happen. I cried in my closet for hours tonight. I feel so scared for him. I know that the fighting won’t stop even if we aren’t in the same home bc we lack respect for each other like his previous partner. I know the only solution is to just stop the fighting so that we can all be peaceful. My heart aches everyday that I am not happy in this life I picked. I have become a shell of me . I’m empty inside. I think everyday that this is not what life should be like and that I have to teach my son that he needs to go after happiness above all else. How do I teach that when I’m doing the opposite. We spend most of our time separate from his dad bc of our work schedules. My son tells me when we do something that he wishes dad was here to go as a family together. And I cry. I think I’m developing OCD with cleaning. I can’t stop cleaning and I freak out over everything. Anxiety? I don’t know. I made a decisions that I thought would be best for my son and it broke me in the mean time. My decisions doesn’t seem to be the best. I don’t think anyone is who I want. I think my expectations are too high but I also don’t feel I should compromise what makes me happy and feel good. I’m a strong independent women who wants an equal partner. But I also believe in chivalry and want to be chased and courted. Severely lacking bc sports are way too important to give me attention. My friend told me I need to find a support group. This is what I found. I’m scared for my sons mental well being with either choice of staying or leaving this home. I’m scared for my financial well being bc I can’t even afford to pay rent anywhere on my one income but I make too much for assistance. I truly feel stuck in hell. I will either suffer mentally for the rest of my life to make sure We have a roof over our heads or break free mentally and live again but potentially be homeless. Obviously the second is a stupid stupid idea. I am screaming mentally at the top of my lungs that this can’t be what life is! Curled up in a ball sobbing on my closet floor next to my a/c vent to breath so I don’t have a breakdown. I feel like I’m living in the 1950’s and have clarity of why women took abuse and lived with such sorrow and had coat hanger abortions. Where else are you going to go? I just want to be heard. I want out I want to be free. Am I being abused physically? No. Am I being abused mentally ? No. I just hate this ******* life and the mess I’ve caused for everyone involved. I can tell you a thousand reasons why I can’t live this life with him anymore but none of them are that extreme. I changed when I had my son. I got deeper and wiser and realized the importance of sacrifice. That it wasn’t about me anymore bc I had this whole human living and breathing that needed me to take care of him. While dad just wanted to get home to watch the ******* football game.