I completely understand your pain. The rollercoaster makes you feel like you’re holding on for dear life. Never knowing when the next turn or twist will happen or for how long. Breathe. Know that these come in waves. Ride the wave. Its what I tell myself. Write it out. I’ve been doing nothing but journalling. Letters to my ex. To my children. Engage in self care. Find a really good therapist. And know this. YOU ARE NOT ALONE

Hi like what Mar wrote ❤️
I’d also encourage you to re-read the words you’ve used.
I picked out “I don’t know who I am” and that you haven’t had the OPPORTUNITY to be alone” -But now you do, you see?

“ He lives his life with no responsibility” - But hey! Aren’t the tables turned when he has the responsibility of looking after your kids sometimes, making you as free as a bird for that time to start exploring some fun-or relaxing, activities? Cycling, swimming, reading, sleeping in peace, going for a walk, getting your hair and nails done etc etc? Whatever you enjoy.

It can take time to learn to become a single parent. It can also take time to emotionally disentangle yourself from him and to give yourself permission with being ok to not be ‘ok’ right now. The trick is to amp up the self-care. Medication, grounding techniques, self-care techniques, seeing a counsellor or psychologist and perhaps getting an anti-anxiety med from your doctor. Getting out into the fresh air is also important. You are still You. You have all the tools and resources within you that you need to get through this :) Sometimes we need a professional helping hand to learn how to access them and use them though.

Your heightened feelings are normal. They are also temporary and will not last forever. Remember that…
Hope is so important, so gently think about 1 thing that brings hope. Is it for example, seeing your children grow up?

It’s great your writing a journal. Maybe think about also encompassing a mood chart? Track anything that you ID to be triggering, then try to dodge that. Your children going to stay with their dad, if he’s positive for them, means they get two parents who care for them. You get space to start discovering who ‘you’ are-other than a mother. Try out some new experiences maybe? Going to a movie? Thanks asking a yoga class? Writing a book?

No one instantly feels ok. Listen to what your emotions are telling you they need. If that’s social company and not to be alone maybe? Then-Voila! Start joint some Meetup or similar groups? 🌼