I have been married to my husband for 20 years but throughout the marriage he has lied and cheated. It has always been difficult to prove and get him to admit as he's used his career in the military as a cover. When I've gotten him to admit it he apologizes, cries, says he won't do it again and gives all these reasons from childhood trauma to relationship issues that he's creating as to why he's doing it. Example by nature Im not a super touchy person but touch is his love language. I try to be more physical with him but will withdraw when I notice patterns of behavior consistent with cheating. He gets distant and uses work as an excuse, I feel disrespected and withdraw my efforts. He then uses this against me as if I'm the reason.

In the past I've asked him if he wants to be married to me and he was adamant that he did yet continued with cheating behaviors. It has been an emotional rollercoaster that has lead to high anxiety and depression. I've gone to counseling (when I asked him to go to marriage counseling he said due to his job it wasn't a good time because his military responsibilities wouldn't let him) and I've gotten clarity and strength to ask him those hard questions but he is a liar. Once he admitted he wants to have his cake and eat it too but then stated he'd do whatever it took to remain a family.

Currently I'm feeling like I'm dealing with triggering behavior that's causing insecurity, anxiety and depression. We just had our 5th child which I'm the primary caregiver and caretaker of the home but I'm seeing similar behavior and I don't think I can do this anymore. I've not been the best me or best mother worrying about what he's doing and if he's lying. I cannot continue to protect his reputation and cover our family. I'm feeling anxiety because I know our kids think we have a good marriage and will wonder why but I've been suffering trying to keep our family together. We hsvevthis new baby that will live with a broken family and on so many levels I know i shouldnt feel guilty but i do. I feel responsible for letting it continue, for believing him, for allowing myself to get pregnant by him again, for failing at the one thing thats most important to me.

Hi, I’m sorry you’re going through this.
There’s lots of ‘red flags’ waving as warning signs in what you’ve written. For example, using his career to cover up what he’s doing. Using his childhood trauma as an excuse for infidelity. Crying and saying he’ll change-but then doesn’t. You having a new baby and now he thinks you’re dependent on him financially/to have a roof over your head. Him admitting he wants his cake and eat it.

You seem to have been the one whose reached out for counselling, but he hasn’t? You feel like you’ve got to walk on eggshells and are riding an emotional roller coaster.

He’s being very disrespectful towards you. You deserve much better behaviour from a partner: Honesty, respect and truth are some of the cornerstones of a solid relationship. Where’s the equality in this? You take care of your children while he goes out shagging anyone who takes his fancy???

I’m wondering if he’s one of those army macho men? Keep ‘the little woman’ at home knocked up with one kid after another to show the world how virile he is as part of that image, whilst emotionally neglecting you. You feeling like you’ve got to cover up his affairs is another red flag. He’s getting away with being unfaithful. Start confiding in some trusted family members about what is really going on. It’s not fair that you’re suffering in silence while he still gets to look like an amazing husband to them-which in reality, he clearly IS NOT.

Is there counselling available to you through the military as his spouse? If so, don’t tell him, but consider speaking with a counsellor. This is not your fault hun. He’s a lying, cheating egotist and you deserve better 🌸

Thank you for response. As an odjective person you've confirmed everything i have been feeling lately. My heart is no longer what it needs to be to stay in this marriage because he's crushed it. Now I'm looking for an exit plan that will allow me to truly heal but not crush our kids.

And you're correct...I got counseling and was in a really good place which he agreed he could see. I recommended he do the same so he could come to terms with his true self. By his second appointment he asked that I come in and it turned into marriage counseling that went into how we were raised and never was finished. A few years ago after his latest forced confession he told me he was going to counseling but I think he stopped after 2 sessions because his counselor kept pressing him to give me what I'm asking for which was the truth. This was the time he confessed that he was selfish and wanted his cake. He then began to lie about going to sessions but later admitted that he'd only went to a few.

He claims that he wants me to have a career and that he loves working women because he comes from a family of strong independent women(but not if it interferes with his career or goals).

Once I went on an interview and got the job...he told me it probably was because my cleavage was showing. He said this jokingly but it was offensive and a deterrent. The next time I got a job, I asked that he help put our kids on the bus so I wouldn't be late to my new job and he said his superiors wouldn't understand and that the kids were old enough to leave the house and get themselves on the bus...they were 7 and 8. I did not feel comfortable with that and would be panicking wondering if they got on the bus. I eventually quit and got a job at the local walmart that was closer and allowed me to be a mom while working which he wasn't happy about the type of work and set up a job interview at a place he deemed better.

And you've hit the nail on the head...even my family loves him because I believe in protecting and honoring marriage. I don't want people to talk badly about him but I believe this is exactly the opposite of what he does in his family. I'm tired. We currently live in different states because he had to go to a new duty station but I'm letting my older kids finish highschool. I can see familiar behavior again because he thinks he can really get away with it this time.

I am seeking every resource available to me without him knowing, because I know I've given everything I could give....even things he didn't deserve. Thank you again for letting me release and giving me a clearer perspective.

❤️🌸