Discuss your troubles, compare ex's, offer suggestions, and share stories!
I’d suggest seeing a psychologist/counsellor. Complex trauma can involve a long healing journey. 3.5 years is longer than the average grief cycle/period, so I’d consider getting some professional advice and support. Psychologists can help with therapeutic approaches and can support untangling complex emotions (grief and loss, depression, anxiety etc). I don’t think I’d be looking to work at this completely on my own.
What self-care strategies are you engaging in? Do you have a supportive friends and family network? Are you excited about the future? Hopeful?
Google the term ‘ruminations’ to see if that sounds like what may be taking place. The mind can struggle to come to terms with the ‘injustice’ of situations sometimes, as there’s often a lack of closure, which can lead to anxiety, frustration and feelings of grief and loss.
Living the best life you can and nurturing yourself and being kind to yourself is so important now. If you’re stuck in a bit of a holding pattern, I’d be reaching out for support.
Your feelings of not wanting to trust anyone again is a normal trauma response to what you’ve been through. Your best friend, partner and ‘soul mate’ cheated on you and appears happy with his new partner (the ‘Cheatee’). Stuff the both of them! You deserve better. Happier. There’s no rush to find a new partner if you’re not ready. Maybe do some work on your emotions with professional counselling and give yourself permission to let him and grief go. Yes, life is no longer how you envisaged it might be, but let’s face it…who would want to be with a cheating, lying man? Actions speak louder than words. His actions demonstrate he was not the man you’d thought he was. And that’s not on you: that’s on HIM. No one can totally predict another person’s behaviours. But he carried these behaviours and actions out: Knowingly. That means he made a Choice to cheat and leave. That’s not your fault. Please don’t mourn him forever. He’s simply not worth the effort. Redirect that energy into yourself. No amount of crying, anger, depression etc is going to bring him back or miraculously make him become a faithful, honest, loving partner to you. It’s hard-but that’s a reality that you have to realistically acknowledge-the brain is fighting back as it doesn’t want to accept that reality. However, that IS the reality. That IS the truth. It may suck, but it’s vital you work in accepting this or you will mentally continue to beat yourself up. You don’t deserve to be mentally dragged down to the lowest depths. Rise up. Hold your head high. You are a valued person who deserves a better life. There’s an expression ‘once a cheater, always a cheater…’ Time will tell if he’ll cheat on her also.
There’s some helpful videos on YouTube about chronic grief/trauma around loss. Invest in yourself hun. He’s focused on himself. Now it’s time to show him what he’s missing out on by leaving you! Be the best version of you that you can be. Seek out new hobbies. Keep engaging with friends. Use mindfulness, journaling, yoga…or whatever approach works for you to distract the mind.
You are a survivor. You are worthy of a happier life. You’ve got all the tools and resources within you that you need to thrive. You just need a professional counsellor to help blow the dust off them and put them back to work :) ❤️
Hi Tracy. I too am now going through a similar situation. He came to me on the morning of our 21st anniversary. He told me that I had let myself go, gained too much weight and that he was not attracted to me. He also informed me that he met someone and he has feelings for her BUT he said, “I didn’t cheat on you”. Then he moved out a week later. Then two days later came back and told me he loved me and wanted to work things out. We had sex then he left to his new apt. Four days later he texted me that he’d made a mistake and we should just move on, “for now”. He did this same thing 3 more times. Coming over, asking me if I was willing to change, talking me into sex then leaving and ghosting me until the next time. Then I put my foot down ( I know, finally right?) and said no. I held firm for two weeks. Then last Saturday I was weak and slept with him again. The very next day my friend who lives down the road from his new place told me there was a girl at his house. She called two days later and said that the girl has moved in. Now I’m sitting here crying and angry at not just him but myself for allowing myself to be treated this way after all he said and did to me. That does not include the anger and pain of all he’s done and said BEFORE our 21st anniversary. “Your ass is too wide, you’re a piece of sh1t, you’re lazy, you need to eat this and not that, wear this not that, you don’t need to go out with friends, you’re friends are stupid, you’re family is trash… etc”! I’m in therapy now for the first time in my life. I agree with Debra, get some professional help. I think you will benefit greatly from it. I’ll pray for you. Please pray for me as well.