Womans Divorce Forum

Discuss your troubles, compare ex's, offer suggestions, and share stories!

Womans Divorce Forum
Start a New Topic 
I am so lost and confused

I am thinking about ending my marriage of 28 years. My husband is a compulsive liar and has cheated on me with prostitutes. I am so scared to start over at 50 and worried how I will survive financially and emotionally. I keep second guessing my decision. It this normal? There are days I think everything would be better if I were dead. My adult kids keep me going and are the only reason I keep going. Everyone (including my kids) is pushing me to end the marriage NOW, but I am so conflicted. Nobody seems to understand that this is a hard decision and I am feeling rushed in making it because of what people are telling me.I don’t know what to do anymore 🥲. Any advice would be helpful.

Re: I am so lost and confused

Hi Tammi,

Thank you for reaching out and seeking help. I understand this is a hard time for you and feeling like you have to make a decision you are not yet prepared for.

Some thoughts I found while reading your post were the following.
Do you love your husband? His true self or what your projections of your husband are?
Or are you trying to hold onto the idea/dreams you built with your husband?

I am going through a divorce myself and had a hard time getting an attorney when people kept trying to tell me to do so. Everyone around me advised that I get an attorney yet I was so hesitant because I wanted to believe that my ex would be truthful and fair. I kept second guessing what I should do. I did end up getting an attorney and it was truly the best decision because my ex was not truthful or fair. He was/is deceitful and cunning. He showed a side of him that I didn't recognize and is actually his true self.

You are cycling through grief and that is okay. Please give yourself time and love. Everyone just wants what is best for you and right now, you can not comprehend/act what is best for yourself. Your mind is reeling and you are afraid. I implore you to seek legal and medical advice to help make you feel okay. Please seek an attorney to understand what you are legally entitled to and it will help you feel more financially confident. Please please please do not go through this alone. You dying is not going to help anyone or yourself. Please seek a therapist and your medical doctor for your depression at this time. You don't have to take anything if you don't want to, but they can direct you to the tools available to help you through his time. There is more help available if you just seek. Some storms are unbearable but are made bearable by those who bear it with you.

It is your decision for divorce and divorce will always be ugly. But you have to protect yourself. Your loved ones want to protect you and only want the best for you. It is a very hard thing to say goodbye to a marriage of 28 years. And it is absolutely normal for you to be conflicted.

You do not deserve to be with someone who lies and cheats. Please try and remember your worth and look forward to peaceful happier days. This too shall pass.

Re: I am so lost and confused

I feel your pain. I divorced about a year ago because my husband was a liar and cheater too. I would never tell anyone what they should do since everyones situation is different. The second i found out i kicked him out. I could tell he still cared because he resisted but i didnt care about anyones feelings but my own at the moment. I was shocked to actually know what i had been fearing. Later i found out he had been cheating for years but i still loved him and wanted him back. Just because someone hurts us, doesnt mean love goes away. He moved out for almost a year and i still couldnt deal with what happened or refused to accept it. Whatever i was thinking, the only thing i knew for sure was that i wanted my family back together so i took him back. He promised me the moon and stars if he came back. I knew deep down it was a bad idea but again, i didnt care about anything else but having him back home. Well we went up and down through the relationship. I wont say it was one persons fault. The only thing that didnt change was his cheating. He kept doing it and now we are over again but this time by my choice. I tried accepting him faults and all but when people say to love unconditionally, that doesnt mean to put up with constant cheating or ANY cheating. If he TRULY, honest to God would stop cheating, i would take him back. I still love him and maybe he still loves me, but thats a kind of love i dont want. I dont know if i’ll get over the shock of this anytime soon. All i do know is that this too shall pass.

Re: I am so lost and confused

Hi Tammi,

I am sorry that you are going through this.
I divorced my husband after 23 years of marriage when I was 52. It was a hard adjustment at times. Some days I lay on my floor crying because I felt so alone and depressed, angry at how much time I wasted on him, angry at how he treated me, angry that "I could have had a happy marriage, but he ruined that for me."

But I will tell you that between those moments, I was so happy and relieved to be living on my own. I have my own home where I live in peace and quiet. I have had to work on building up my friendships and outside activities so I don't feel so alone - but I'm getting there.

It has been four years now, and I couldn't be happier! Those feelings of depression are gone, I just had to work through them.

Financially it took some planning, but I am receiving alimony, picking up extra work here and there. Any financial sacrifices I had to make are so worth it!!

you can do it!
Good luck!