My husband and I have been married over 25 years, most of which have been bad. Our children are now grown, the youngest in his senior year of high school, and I feel it is time to get on with my life. Two years ago I told him I wanted a divorce, and he begged me to give him another chance - which I did. We started marriage therapy and things got somewhat better with me, but not so much with our children. (adult child also lives in the home). He has spent the last several years alienating our children from himself and I fear that they will not visit me/us in the future because of this. Over the years that he was being exceptionally miserable, I lost all feeling for him. I hated him for many years and then I just stopped feeling anything. When he asked me to give him another chance, I did so for him and the kids - not for me. The last two years have been him... when is it going to be my turn. The reason I am turning to this forum is because I honestly feel like I know what I want in my heart, but I just can't bring myself to do it. We are currently in a separation, which is causing him an extreme amount of distress and this is so difficult for me - I am not someone who would ever intentionally harm anyone else. Do I just pull the plug and do it already or do I prolong the inevitable. I truly don't think I am going to stay with him forever - we are just too different and our values just don't align. Any help is appreciated. Thanks in advance!

But…you’re harming yourself emotionally if you return to an unhappy relationship, with a man who has been Deliberately alienating his own children???? He sounds horrible and a miserable person to live with.

Embrace your freedom: Your shackles are off! Don’t let him put them back on you…ITS YOUR TURN! Now. Not later. Now!!!! You’ve waited 25 years? For goodness sake woman! Put yourself first for once. He’s already shown you, time after time, he’s not going to change. If he’s not going to change after all these chances, then YOU need to change the SITUATION. You need to get back control over your life, not let the tail wag the dog!

Continue to grow a positive relationship with your children. If he doesn’t: That’s on him. His choice. Your children need at least one friendly, loving, kind and supportive parent.

You also need to be friendly, loving, kind and supportive of Your needs too.

A leopard doesn’t change its spots. He’ll always be the same, miserable, manipulative man he is. When someone shows you their true colours; believe them…🌸

I would say put yourself first and your happiness first. I know this is hard to do. It’s something I am not able to do even though I want out. If you have the strength to get out, then get out. Do it for yourself and for all the other women who are not as strong as you. I have found great happiness in seeing other women achieve what I have not been able too

I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been with my husband for 18 years but we’ve only been married for 11. And most of those years have been bad. He became a very bad alcoholic, arrested twice for dui with the most recent one in late 2020. I should have left then but always chickened out. He’s been (alcohol) sober for almost 1 year now and I tried to convince myself that this can work. Marijuana is his new vice but it doesn’t affect him the way alcohol did. It actually makes him decent to be around. Our daughter (10yrs old) is actually happy being around her dad now, though they don’t have much of an affectionate relationship. She never hugs/kisses him. She saw a lot as a little girl that no child should have to see. I blame myself for that. I should have gotten out then. Throughout all this, he managed to keep his job thankfully because he is the main breadwinner in our household. I work & pay my share of the bills, my own personal bills and pretty much anything related to our daughter. He pays the mortgage and never ceases to remind me of it. Now that he’s gotten back on track, he’s all over me about my personal bills. I have cc debt that is overwhelming for me but to have him hovering over me constantly demanding that I pay it down has started giving me extreme anxiety. He has every right to ask me & I know I’m wrong for feeling this way but I don’t want to have to answer to him anymore. With everything that’s happened, my feelings for him have completely changed. But I’m terrified to tell him I want out. When it’s come up in arguments before, he’s always been real quick to tell me that I had better not even think to try and get money out of him. (He loves his money more than anything). I know it will get ugly and I’m just terrified to have to deal with it. But when I think about what life might be like after it’s over, I swear I feel like a weight is lifted off of me. I just want to get from point A to point B but the thought of everything I’ll have to deal with in between makes me hesitant. And I’m afraid of what he’ll demand when it comes to our daughter. She’s extremely attached to me, she makes me sleep with her every night. Anyway, I’m so sorry for such a long post but seeing what you posted, and knowing that there’s other people going through this made me feel a little better in some weird way. Like I’m not so alone in this. I hope everything works out for you