I was the one who wanted a divorce, after 21 years. I turned 39, thinking I was turning 38, upon realizing, I was a year away from 40! I had been married since I was 18. We had been through very tough times, with no family support. We had 3 children, two of them being 15 years into the marriage. I had always said, he’s not my Prince Charming, or even what I wanted him to really be, but what he had been, was, there for me. He loved me to the best of his abilities, but I wanted “me”. I wanted to feel wanted and admired again, and for someone to see my ,quirky at times, but good qualities. My ex had suffered mental illness, as I write this, I say, who doesn’t? I would sit outside at night, and think about, “what if someone wanted to actually sit out here with me? Without worrying about the “bugs” or temperature. Then, I would have a good cry, finish my bottle of wine, toast the stars ,and go lay down in bed beside him. I know he loved the hell outta me and my children, but I wanted a dad, for my children, that would play with them, teach them to ride bikes, throw the ball. All things, my ex wanted desperately from his absent father growing up. The reply, was always, “I will tomorrow Buddy” I, also, wanted a partner. One that took interest in my singing, music, all the beauty I saw in this crazy world, and most of all… to see me. But, who was that? Who was I? I felt good about my decision, I felt free, full of life, like I was a teenager again. Picking what I ate for dinner, what show I watched. Letting the kids stay up a little later, or have a cookie before breakfast. We saw each other for exchanges and drop offs, he always being sad, stating, I had ruined our family, and left him during his darkest hour. Fast forward down the road. I was doing pretty well, especially since it had been over 20 years together., I thought to myself . We had practically grown up together, and raised each other. I had lived with him more than half my life, at 39. Then.. I sold my wedding ring. It was time. As, I learned the most my ring would bring was $900, not even 1/4 of what We paid for it, and handed it to the jeweler, as she tore the perforated counter check from its book, “Landslide” by Stevie Nicks began to play overhead. I sucked up the courage to tuck the check in my purse, so I could cry in the car. That was the first realization , REAL realization, that I would never ever wake up next to him again, never have his support, or binge watch “our favorite shows” , cheer for our favorite college teams on Saturday, tell our funny work stories, but most of all… not having my kids, every day. How much I took for granted, being able to have access to my kids every single day, not a minute of their lives missed by me. Now, because I wanted to be happy, find myself, and go down this lonely journey, my children suffered, because I wanted to end it. Every object in the house held memories, many memories. Down to the small pea sized ding in the refrigerator. We were so proud of ourselves, to get money off for this. We thought we really had bargained, and even talked about it for years. Moving on, packing his closet and clothes, forget it. So very hard..his suits smelled of his cologne. Seeing all the different sizes, where he (and I) over the years had fluctuated weight , but convinced he’d be able to wear them again. Then we get to…taking the family photos down. The wonderful photography photos we waited so impatiently for, that cost us a pretty penny, but turned out wonderful. Do you throw them away? Save them for your kids? Do you split them up, between you and your ex? Who in the Hell wants them now? Nobody spoke of this, as they told their divorce tales, of new found freedom, and life. What the HELL do you do with the family pictures?! Of a family that “once was”Why did no one mention it? I was so prepared, I thought. As I signed the dissolution of marriage, which sounded so official and finite, I didn’t cry, but was numb. What do I do now? Nothing had changed in my life that exact moment, but now everything was different. I was coming to the realization, that even though, we had been married over 20 years, he could remarry, and be married longer than he and I had been. Still having 30-40 years possibly, to correct his wrongs, to make right, and treat someone well. I would live more than half my life, in a different way than I always had, without him. I went to bed with my heart hurting, dreading the Loneliness of the night. I tried sleeping on his side of the bed, and then back to my side, and then the middle. It didn’t matter, my life was officially different. Daytime came, and as long as I was out of the house and busy, it seemed better, and not so different. What would we do now? See each other in passing and say, hi?! He was my life and world for so very long. The good, the bad, and the ugly, he was there. All these things such a mystery to me. This new divorce “etiquette” that no one taught you. I now could say, divorce was up there as one of the hardest things, I ever, or probably will ever, face. I would always end a thought, or sentence , when thinking of all the changes, and “firsts” this year had brought , with … the same phrase, “I wouldn’t change it.” I didn’t want to stay, and then, 20 years at 60, or 70 years old, be revisiting the choice to leave”, feeling like it was now too late, life had passed me by. Or the way my heart would yearn for him to be the man, husband, father, that the family needed. Telling myself, marriages are all probably predominantly unhappy after awhile, and this was as much happiness as I could hope for, at least in this life. I was not turning back! So many tears and years, wanting/hoping he would change. He would see me as this smart, beautiful, funny, musically talented woman/mother/ wife , that was tough as nails. That would fight for her family, for the underdog, for the “right way” people should act and treat others. To feel as if I was valued, and enough , worth doing things with me, that may take him out of his comfort zone, putting the phone/iPad/ remote down during dinner, asking what hopes, dreams, fears, I had about the future. Wanting to talk about our socially challenged teenager, or our, 4 year old, still barely talking, and the chance that he may have a spectrum disorder, and may need assistance in the future. I had given so much, all of me to give, and yet, I still felt lonely, unfulfilled, and still doubting a 20 plus year marriage. I was always waiting for something or someone to change, so we could he happy. I wanted to be truly loved, with no price, strings attached, or consequences. As I sit here, writing this, on the same couch, he spent so many hours on, instead of joining in on life . I still don’t know who I am, my plan for life, or what my future may hold. My heart is heavy, the gray has started to show more in my hair, there are bags under my eyes, as if I have never slept , in my life , at all. I still say.. I wouldn’t change a thing. I will go on, time will heal, my heart will scar up, and love again, even if, just myself, for the very first time. I will say , “hello, and maybe even, eventually, throw in a, “how are you” in passing him on the street. I have 3 amazing children, a roof over my head, my now, even more small, little family’s health, the setting sun shining in on my face as I write this, and a wonderful creator that has big plans for me. I give thanks to him, and think to myself, “I wouldn’t change a thing” ❤️

I appreciate how much detail you put into this. Sharing your story. I can imagine how extremely hard it was to break things off.
Im trying desperately to re connect with my husband after him being very selfish. He finally is making an effort to share in my interests and get to know me as a person, after realising I was so close to divorcing him. I just wish I still wanted to save it as much as he does…
Best of luck to you in your new journey. I wish you all the happiness in the world