Re: Divorcing a narcissist, and somehow still confused
Thank you, you’re right. You sound like you have a lot of wisdom and you’ve gone through some things and came out stronger and with a positive attitude about it.
I do go back-and-forth a lot, I’m worried about becoming bitter that I “could’ve had this life if I would have just stuck it out”. But I know in reality that no matter what he would discard me at some point in time in a very cruel manner and I would likely still be left high and dry.
You’re right, cheating is never OK and it’s so awful that people get to do it and the person who was cheated on has to deal with emotional pain from all of it. It should be illegal. I’m so sorry that you went through that. And you’re right, telling the victim that they played a role in that is ridiculous. Yes, sometimes cheating might be a symptom, but definitely not if it’s an ongoing pattern. And even if it is a symptom, it’s one persons actions, not a joint decision. It’s the lying that really adds to the pain. Thinking you’re part of a team but there are other people out there that have secrets with your spouse that you don’t know about, it’s embarrassing and painful. it’s such an insult to your intelligence when they won’t come clean, it’s completely insult to injury.
I’m trying to stay strong. We’ve had only a few text exchanges over the past week, the back-and-forth with him taking credit for previously being accountable for this cheating like behavior and then going back on it and saying he’s never even thought of cheating on me. How can you try to start an affair without having ever even had the thought?
It’s crazy making. I told him how I felt and asked him just to be the bigger person and not respond to me. And shockingly, to his credit, he’s gone gray rock and he’s just giving me businesslike responses. Which is good, it makes it easier to sit in my feelings and process what I’m feeling and actually miss him in a grieving kind of a way. but it hurts, and I’m so scared that I won’t be able to be strong. I have begun telling everyone I know that we’re getting a divorce, and being more honest about the reason why. I think this will help me to have shame if I were to go back, which is sadly a big motivator for me (shame).
Neither one of us has filed, at least I haven’t. But I think it’s some thing I have to do this week so it’s more real and gets me out of limbo. I just know it’s going to get really ugly and I’m scared of what that looks like.
Thank you for the good advice, everything you said is totally right and I hope to find the strength that you have right now.