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I have posted before

Unfortunately my former husband passed away with heart disease at 65 yrs old this month.
We were married for 33 years and I filed for divorce 2 years ago and since filing the divorce we never saw each and he never finished signing the divorce papers .
During my marriage to him He treated me by lying, controlling , emotional affairs and few narcissist personalities… when I found out he was in the hospital with breathing machines, heart pump machine and first time in his life with dialysis, our kids and I decided to visit him and we all stayed with him to the last days of his life . (Our grown up children are over 30 years old and they also have not seen their Father either for the last 2 years , because he always wanted to control them too )
I am feeling very sad and crying that he passed away even though he did not deserve my Love .
Is it normal to feel this way?
Is it going to heal itself ?
How long this feeling of sadness usually goes away ?

I don’t know what else to do to make this pain of sadness to go away?
At times I feel that his passing was my fault , because at times I did not believe he got sicker during the last 2 years when he used to text me saying that he has been in and out of the Hospital , even though I knew he had problem with his heart ❤️ for the last 6 years.
The last 2-3 months is when he started to get really sick, weak and he could barely walk . (That’s what I heard from his friend that used to take him to doctors, and help him with groceries when I saw him at the hospital and also his sister mentioned to me too.
At times I wished I was there for him :((
But it’s too late now 😭 😭
Even though the last few days of his life he was unconscious, I held his hands all the way to the end of his life whispering that we are all here for you and he is not alone .


Re: I have posted before

I think you are grieving the life you wish you had had, the life he perhaps did not wish to give you.

I think that perhaps you are free and unsure as to what to do with your grief at the loss of your life's dreams and these never being apologised for being taken/ or acknowledgd...

if I were you I would wrap myself up in lots of self love and make a bucket list of what you want to do with your life now you have no apology forthcoming. Make a bucket list of dreams you can still achieve, and how you will heal you.

And don't let another day pass without putting you first.

Lots of love.

Also the Chinese have a wonderful saying take away everything you have left and imagine it gone- your beautiful children for example.... and then you meditate on what you have and that is happiness... my husband neglected my middle child when I entrusted him to have Merlin for a few months in his 17 years of life, because I had absolutely no choice, and sure enough my son died aged just 17 in front of me on a beach... having been fed by credit card despite being of weak health, housed not with my ex as promised, but alone for the majority of his days, allowed to join a gym and take body building tonics,,, and the worst part in court he cannot ever even recall the date my baby died... cc

Stay strong you have three blessings... xx