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Would like to hear from women who left their husbands

Any women on here who were the ones to leave their husbands and file for divorce ? I did not marry the right person for me. It was a mistake and I feel terrible for him and that it is going to hurt him but I can no longer let my mental health struggle by staying with him.
Anyone else been in a similar situation ? What did you do ? How did you tell him ? I’m worried for his mental health and that he will not recover. Am I just being over dramatic and letting my negative thoughts spiral?

Re: Would like to hear from women who left their husbands

Hi,

I am the one who filed for divorce, he did not want it.

How did I do it? First I hired an attorney and spent a couple of months going through the "to do"list she gave me. Separate funds, remove my personal valuables from the house, write a new will. power of attorney to my sister, etc.

Then we filed the divorce papers, then I told him. Now, she gave me a list of recommendations - don't tell him at home, tell the kids first, etc. (Now my ex- had anger issues, so some recs were to prepare for his possible reactions, but it was fine.)
I didn't follow all her recommendations because I wanted to be respectful to his feelings, for example we told our kids together.

We had been seeing a marriage counselor, I made a couple appointements for him for the week that I planned to tell him because I wanted him to be able to go talk about it.

From a pragmatic viewpoint, I felt that the more considerate I behaved, the less push back I would get from him. Which worked well for me.

Good luck!
Kelly

Re: Would like to hear from women who left their husbands

I am in the same situation. My husband is emotionally abusive and it is not good for my mental health. He doesn't think there is a problem but I can't deal with it anymore. I only stay because we have two kids, one who is younger, and we don't have anywhere to go. How much was the lawyer's fees?

Re: Would like to hear from women who left their husbands

Hi,

Honestly, I don't remember. I'm in Tennessee.
Maybe, $2000 for the retainer and then another $2000 after everything was done. But we used one attorney, no minor children, no arguing over assets, etc. It was pretty short and sweet.

After I filed and told him, he actually felt so guilty that he had made me misarable enough to leave him that he didn't push back or argue about the divorce (I was really surprised!). But the more the attorney has to do- the more it will cost.

But, whatever the cost, it was worth it! I put down the initial retainer when I hired her and started working on preparations. The final bill came out of the divorce settlement of assets.

Good luck!
Kelly

Re: Would like to hear from women who left their husbands

Kelly
Hi,

I am the one who filed for divorce, he did not want it.

How did I do it? First I hired an attorney and spent a couple of months going through the \"to do\"list she gave me. Separate funds, remove my personal valuables from the house, write a new will. power of attorney to my sister, etc.

Then we filed the divorce papers, then I told him. Now, she gave me a list of recommendations - don\'t tell him at home, tell the kids first, etc. (Now my ex- had anger issues, so some recs were to prepare for his possible reactions, but it was fine.)
I didn\'t follow all her recommendations because I wanted to be respectful to his feelings, for example we told our kids together.

We had been seeing a marriage counselor, I made a couple appointements for him for the week that I planned to tell him because I wanted him to be able to go talk about it.

From a pragmatic viewpoint, I felt that the more considerate I behaved, the less push back I would get from him. Which worked well for me.

Good luck!
Kelly
Were you guys already separated when you got all your stuff organized for filing?

Re: Would like to hear from women who left their husbands

I filed for divorce recently. I noticed my husband had been checked out of our marriage for at least the past two years. No affection or intimacy. I felt like a roommate and only kept around because of finances and our child. His actions showed he didn't want this anymore but he claimed he did. It was exhausting emotionally. Finally, (last February) I decided to separate and I moved out, hoping we could somehow find our way back to one another. Honestly, looking back on things I think this is truly what he wanted but he didn't have the heart or courage to say. The more I still fought for us, the colder he became. It dawned on me that it had been a year and between the two of us, I was the only one trying to bring us back together. In an argument I said, "I've been waiting for you to choose me and now I am choosing myself!" I stand by what I said even though this isn't the outcome I hoped for. In the State of Maryland, I filed for Absolute Divorce--both agree to divorce, which required us to complete a few forms. No lawyers or etc. It blows my mind that you can end your marriage for merely $165. I am currently waiting to hear back from a judge to schedule our hearing. I was told it may take a few weeks.

Re: Would like to hear from women who left their husbands

I chose to file for divorce last summer after I found out my husband had an emotional affair (driving a single female coworker home not once (like he told me originally) but three times, witnessing them text each other late at night, him refusing to stop texting her, etc.). I have since caught him in more lies. The most common question I'm asked is, but why are you divorcing him - he didn't sleep with her. A punch to my stomach every time.

I will tell you I have been gaslit, shamed, blamed, made to be the bad guy by not only him but family as well. People are afraid you're going to "infect" them with divorce. It has been the most brutal year of my life but I push through for my young kids and my own self respect.

Do not choose history over happiness. Stand in your truth. Think about how you feel today -- if he doesn't change, can you tolerate this for another decade?

I wish you peace and strength. Choose you, as another poster said.

Re: Would like to hear from women who left their husbands

Ashley
I chose to file for divorce last summer after I found out my husband had an emotional affair (driving a single female coworker home not once (like he told me originally) but three times, witnessing them text each other late at night, him refusing to stop texting her, etc.). I have since caught him in more lies. The most common question I\'m asked is, but why are you divorcing him - he didn\'t sleep with her. A punch to my stomach every time.

I will tell you I have been gaslit, shamed, blamed, made to be the bad guy by not only him but family as well. People are afraid you\'re going to \"infect\" them with divorce. It has been the most brutal year of my life but I push through for my young kids and my own self respect.

Do not choose history over happiness. Stand in your truth. Think about how you feel today -- if he doesn\'t change, can you tolerate this for another decade?

I wish you peace and strength. Choose you, as another poster said.
I feel your pain. My husband had a long term emotional fair and claims nothing physical but it’s been a few years long of a relationship with the other woman. It cuts so deep and there it is just as painful. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing that but do what’s right for you. I’m working a therapist right now to help me get everything processed and focus on my own healing. Very tough times.

Re: Would like to hear from women who left their husbands

I just recently left my husband about 2 weeks ago. We’ve been married for two decades and had found out he was having an emotional affair for… 2 years. Makes you wonder how long this would have been going on had I not found out. Anyway, I tried to recover myself but had a huge awakening when I found out. I realized how broken our marriage has been for many years and knew it was time to leave to heal and to really connect with myself. We had children very young at the age of 16 and have been together since. I think we both have always been in emergency mode and the reality is we grew apart a long time ago, or even never truly connected except for the connection to our children and determination not to be like our abusive parents. I’m currently looking at apartments right now for a long term separation.

Re: Would like to hear from women who left their husbands

I just told my husband 2 days ago that I am filing for divorce. I spent 2 months consulting with an attorney, changed my will and beneficiaries on life insurance etc. this is a second marriage for both of us, I was widowed and was divorced. I have 3 grown sons, youngest is 18 and he has a 12 and a 13 year old who live with us 50% of the time. Our major issue is we have large income disparities and he completely took advantage of my generosity. I am generously helping him get set up in apartment that doesn’t change the kids school, giving him furniture and everything he needs to set up there. He came to the marriage with next to nothing because his first wife really screwed him over. I foolishly thought that I was helping him get back on his feet when we married and he would rise to the occasion. At least I got a prenup!
Now he is laying on the guilt that he is going to die alone, I’m ruining his kids lives, the whole world is going to turn against him. I really don’t hate him and I do feel awful about his kids which is why I am helping him with the apartment. I don’t have to do any of this according to the prenup but I still care enough about him and especially about his boys. It’s an emotional roller coaster right now.