Discuss your troubles, compare ex's, offer suggestions, and share stories!
I married my high school sweetheart. I've known him 38 years, been together 34 years and married for 24 years. We had our ups and downs but in the last decade (or more), he lost interest in everything...me, participating in our son's life/activities, career, his extended family. Consequently, I did everything with our son or with friends and finally in July, I told him I wanted to divorce. He acted surprised and hurt and honestly, he's a good guy and I know he loves me. We are simply in two different worlds and I want to show my teenage son a healthy mom, one who doesn't settle for less than I want/deserve, one who isn't living a half life. He's in his first love relationship and has acknowledged that he's learned everything NOT to do by watching us. He even asked me why I was even married to his dad. Yet, when all this went down, he witnessed his dad sob and rail against my desire to get "unmarried". He's now sided with his dad, sees me as the bad guy who doesn't deserve any compassion or support. He's ****** that his life has been adversely impacted, he has to move to a "****ty" place with a tiny bedroom (it's actually a very nice little home) and he has zero interest in having a real conversation or actually connecting with me. This child who I practically raised on my own, who I have always been present for and who has witnessed the dysfunction in our family, now is a cold stranger who only engages when food/money are involved. How to survive this???? How to not take it all personally?? Do I continue to pretend that this doesn't hurt and allow his behavior to continue??
I get it. Completely. My youngest who is a young adult is refusing to talk to me. Almost 5 months now. With nothing. If you can. Get him and yourself into counselling together. Or at the very least him with a school counsellor. Make it part of the separation agreement. I cant force mine to go as he’s an adult. But if I could I would because he’s not hearing my side of things. Patience. I know it completely sucks. But patience. This is a massive change for everyone. And for children itfeels like their world has just ended. I’m sorry your hurting. I really do know what it like. Mom guilt sucks.
Thank you for your insight and advice, Mabel. I think part of this is my "mom guilt" as you called it. It's hard to differentiate between typical 15 yo moodiness/puberty and what may be the 15 yo repercussions from the separation and upcoming divorce. Prior to this, my husband would take our son's distance/lack of engagement personally (and to some extent, it was warranted) and I'd always remind him that this is just that time in life where our son is trying to establish his independence/identity separate from us. But, that reasoning didn't apply to me because my son and I were sooo tight. Evidently, it's time for me to learn that lesson too. This is how I need to learn to separate and continue to be a loving mom to this intelligent, amazing and challenging young man. One day at a time, right??!!!