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I have been married for going on 14 years. I married when I was 22. My husband had a lot of addiction issues and I stayed through a lot of crap. About 7 years ago I had an affair. He knows I was talking to someone and I almost even left. I was so close. He does not know that I slept with this other guy. Since then I have been able to move through and mend things with my husband. I am not interested in this other guy and he is not the point. My issue is that in the back of my mind I have just been going with the motions and dealing with things that I’m not so happy with. I feel like my side of the marriage may be over. Last February I tried to split again. He begged me to stay and said he would try to do better. He is a good man and takes care of me and our daughter. This is the problem. He is not bad to me. But he is forgetful about things that I ask of him, he manages all the finances and I have to ask for money. He doesn’t kiss me and falls short in a couple other intimate areas. Shortly after making the agreement to do better he asked me how long he has to do this? How long did he have to feel like he was on trial. So I just said whatever it’s fine. So everything has gone back to “normal.” I’m picking up slack and I’m unhappy again. I don’t feel like I should be feeling this way multiple times a year. I feel like if I loved him the way I should I wouldn’t even be feeling this way, I would find a way to fix it. I’m not even interested in trying again since this is the third time I would be saying these things out loud, watching him fall apart and for what? To agree to try only to feel like this again in 8 months? I’m so torn. I don’t want to fail as a wife, I don’t want to be the bad guy. I don’t know what to do. I have had a couple guys text me and I’m not engaging in that but the fact that I want to is a red flag to me. Would I even be considering an affair if I truly loved him?
Have you considered maybe trying personal therapy? Your back and forth is just like my history. I’ve left a few times and he can be a great man and father but there is a lack of connection. Although we are both codependent so there is a whole other world of problems there. Anyway, personal therapy may help you to discover why you have those feelings and whether or not it’s finally time to walk. Just remember, you deserve to be happy and present for yourself, your children, and your partner whether it be this one or a future one.
I have an appointment in a couple weeks. I want to make the right choice and I feel horrible that for me it means he is so sad. today we talked again and he told me he feels like he has been broken and struggling since the first thing 7 years ago also. He doesn’t want me to go but understands if I need to to try and focus on me. I feel like a tiny pea under layers of mattresses of him. When I told him this he said well you’re the pea that keeps this family going. I told him that’s a lot of pressure on a pea! I just feel yucky about the whole thing. I can’t think. I’m disorganized. I’m scared and excited. I don’t want to uproot anything but the thought of living on my own is a pleasant one and a fantasy I can’t seem to shake. But I’m taking it slow. I want to be sure.
You never know until you take that leap! I left my husband two weeks ago and I’m going through a roller coaster of emotions but they’re not as intense as the first few days. Now that my head is clear I can work on myself and getting my life in order. Don’t be afraid to try something different if nothing else has worked. Best of luck to you!