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The porn addiction has killed our relationship

It started 20 years ago. We had known each other for years and one night we hung out together at his house at his get together with several friends. We hit it off. He told me he wasn't interested in a " relationship" but really enjoyed spending time with me. At this point I was divorced,4 kids and living on my own. We went out often over the next month and he started coming to my house to hang out with me and my 4 children. It was awesome. He was kind and gentle and generous with his time. Playing with my kids and spending time with me. After a technical failure with birth control, I became pregnant. I gave him the option to be in his child's life but to not feel obligated to me or my children. He took some time and over the next 9 months or so...we decided to give it a go. I definitely loved him. He seemed like a dream. I was aware of his porn use and made it clear if we were to be together that was a deal for me. Over the course of the next 5 years we had two children together. It didn't cross my mind he was using porn. I spent many hours days,nights sleepless. I felt something was off. I ask him. He always said no he wasn't watching it. I started to feel very anxious about our relationship,which he would say was barless and how he loved me. I was in wonderful shape after six kids. Beautiful I might even dare to say. I did everything I could to keep him happy. He ,in hindsight, really didn't put in much effort. If we did anything, it was at my request. Always. I checked into a hospital after being suicidal. I hadn't slept at all in days. I would wake to the bed moving only for him to say I must've been dreaming. Everything was me. I spent the next 10 or so years in and out of hospitals of the mental sort and on and off different meds. I went to countless hours of therapy. I scoured the internet for answers. I tried everything I could think of to make things better only to end up alone and crying. Panic attacks ensued and I spent days at a time in bed. I would ask him what can I do. He would comfort me and say I love you. Fast forward a few years and the relationship is in a serious declo. I spend over a year asking him on and off, am I not enough? Are you not attracted to me ( a med I was on caused me to gain almost 70 pounds.). He would always say I love you. You are fine. In 2020 I felt abandoned. He stopped touching me, reassuring me and he couldn't maintain an erection. I would ask and he would say " I'm getting old ,things change. It is what it is I love you.". In 2021 I got tired lonely and was at my wits end. I asked him do you not find me attractive and he said NOTHING. Isabk further into my depression and finally I asked " are you watching porn?". He looked at the floor and said yes. I was flabbergasted. I wasn't expecting a yes. He said when I was in the hospital he would watch and then when I had a hysterectomy and was out of commission for 8 weeks he had watched. Then he said porn was easier. And he kept watching. I was willing to try. I wanted to save our relationship. He said he'd stop. Fast forward two years later and I keep finding out new details. He has apps on his phone. Safe browsers and apparently he'd been watching porn the entire time we've been together. He used it as a substitute for having sex with me and to get aroused enough to have sex with me. Always young girls. Always . It was his thing. The younger looking the better. He keeps saying he loves me but I'm not sure he knows what love is. He admits he doesn't "get" me and he find my ideas of romantic love and making love confusing. For him sex is a release that he puts little to no effort into. He says my idea of two people intertwined making love is only in movies and books. It doesn't exist in real life. I'm so done. I'm tired. I've wanted to end my life many times over my inability to understand why everything with him seemed so off. Now I know. He lies. Always. He gets caught and denies. He has an excuse for everything. He is extremely good with computers and knows every workaround. He swears I'm imagining things just to be rid of him. I am absurd, he claims. In life, there are no guarantees,he says. Just accept it.

Re: The porn addiction has killed our relationship

It’s not you; you are not to blame. His problem can and probably will escalate if he doesn’t get help. There are online sex cam operators where men pay $500 and tips for “time” with these girls (young girls who claim to be 18). Warning… get a personal bank account and start saving what you can now. Check his credit cards/credit if you can. I learned the hard way.