Have you considered maybe trying personal therapy? Your back and forth is just like my history. I’ve left a few times and he can be a great man and father but there is a lack of connection. Although we are both codependent so there is a whole other world of problems there. Anyway, personal therapy may help you to discover why you have those feelings and whether or not it’s finally time to walk. Just remember, you deserve to be happy and present for yourself, your children, and your partner whether it be this one or a future one.
I have an appointment in a couple weeks. I want to make the right choice and I feel horrible that for me it means he is so sad. today we talked again and he told me he feels like he has been broken and struggling since the first thing 7 years ago also. He doesn’t want me to go but understands if I need to to try and focus on me. I feel like a tiny pea under layers of mattresses of him. When I told him this he said well you’re the pea that keeps this family going. I told him that’s a lot of pressure on a pea! I just feel yucky about the whole thing. I can’t think. I’m disorganized. I’m scared and excited. I don’t want to uproot anything but the thought of living on my own is a pleasant one and a fantasy I can’t seem to shake. But I’m taking it slow. I want to be sure.
You never know until you take that leap! I left my husband two weeks ago and I’m going through a roller coaster of emotions but they’re not as intense as the first few days. Now that my head is clear I can work on myself and getting my life in order. Don’t be afraid to try something different if nothing else has worked. Best of luck to you!