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I know I don't belong here...(male)

Hi there,

I am writing in this forum as I don't like what I hear from the men's forums I have stumbled across. They are filled with negativity and bitterness and a war like approach and get ready to fight etc.. Which could be where I am headed but looking for cooler heads right now.

My wife and I are at a crossroads. There is no cheating on either side but really comes down to growing apart. No relationship is perfect. There are things we both can do better but I feel she is only staying because financially it is better for her and to also not upset the kids.

In short here is my situation -

In Canada
Married 23 years - lived together for 24
Children 19 and 22 - youngest one in 3rd year of college
Both children still at home

My wife made a comment to her sister and friend that I overheard a few weeks ago. She said if we ever got divorced she would clean me out.
She had made comments like this before but more when she would get angry that a husband was having an affair and how her friend Amy needs to get him where it hurts. And you know what, I'm like yeah, that was horrible whatever his name was and go Amy go.

Her friend Tara was like really, clean him out why? Her response, I'm entitled to live the same way and he needs to pay for it even if it means he has to work more years or lives less than on what he does now. Tara was like that's how you want that to go that will impact more than any relationship with Chris but the kids too. She (wife) said they will get over it and its none of their business.

Again, I know I'm in the wrong place but the men are like get ready and get money aside and prepare to fight. Ok, fine. I just need the female perspective of this is how this goes down?

I struggle with the conversation that I overheard but thankful that I did because I know the game plan. I'll worry about that later.

I just can't imagine doing that to her. What does that say about what she thinks of me? I've never cheated, abused her I'm not a perfect husband (no one is) but I am a really good husband and always has been. Did what I can to make her happy and worked hard. Also, I'll happily say I am a great father who was heavily involved and still is.

She said something like she is keeping the house as it is her dream house. Honestly, I'm fine with that if she wants it, ill let her keep it but I know it has value. She was like there will be no or little child support but she will want the max alimony and will fight for it. So Tara (who is divorced) is like that means...she took out some calculator and said he will pay $950 a month to you if you force the absolute max (and assume granted by a judge). Tara said you also want this too?..and I did not hear what she said what that was and the new amount but then she basically said then he would be taking home less than what you make now. But you expect to get basically the same as he never left. My wife was like yes, I am entitled to that.

We make about $30k difference in salary. She has never tried to make more money and has always been on me to get promotions as she is content with what she makes. I see now I should have pushed her to earn more.

I crunched the numbers and assumed let's just say I took home what she did when all is said and done. I can live off it it for sure. She makes 70K, I make just under 100k.

If it matters at all, I am guessing we have 100K in equity in our home. So 50K each.

We have pensions but mine is more valuable as I have been paying in longer and more because of my higher salary. We actual have the same pension plan.

Again, the men forums the guys are bitter. A few seem valid and others just are ****** they got called out on their **** and cheating ways.

So coming here just to see from the other sides perspective as to whether or not I am heading to an outright war and also maybe some levelled headed experience/advice around maybe my wife's expectations being out of line.

I haven't spoke to her about her comments. But plan to do so soon. Bu then, I'm like why bother. We have had her mother and father staying with us for a month and they are still here for another week or two. Her mother is ill (not life threatening) but I don't want this to blow up while they are here. Good people that don't need this.


Re: I know I don't belong here...(male)

Im so sorry Chris I don't really know what to say to you except I wish my ex husband was a quarter of the man you are.together 45 years married 15.

4 kids together he didn't lift a finger with them..I worked outside the home to have medical and dental for the kids.He has been self employed construction he made good money but he spent it just as fast.

I started not feeling well in 2020 drs found nothing wrong my husband would feed on that and tell me i was a hypercondriate(cant even spell the word)..I always thought it was our era his control i got to researching in 2020 and found narcissist.

I even forgave him for that it was his childhood he started going thru what i call midlife crisis and if i didn't fall over his feet it wasn't good.I finally left my husband made at least 60k a year at the end

I ended up in a low income apt he ended up with a girlfriend a month after i left we hadn't even started separation more or less divorce my state is no fault.He was ordered to pay temporary alimony he did for 3 months at our final hearing he brought a drs letter saying he was diagnosed with Parkinsons

No dr explanation he couldn't work and im on disability the final papers gave him almost everything we had which wasn't much and stopped alimony judge said he couldn't work anymore

He turned my daughter's against me my sons don't speak to him or their sisters now.I had a legal aid lawyer and he managed to mess that up. Now im in appeal our final order said for him to give me the rest of my property but he told me i gave that up when I continued to ask for alimony.

Now hes playing the victim and saying i made his life hell.I stopped eating i can't sleep I've been at the crisis unit i just can't believe a man can do this.I feel so bad for you your wife should be happy you were even involved with the kids she doesn't sound like a nice person and i hope you find happiness after..Hopefully the courts won't give her what she wants

Re: I know I don't belong here...(male)

I think your wife might be stressed out with family staying there. Her sister is also in her ear possibly causing her to feel insecure. Your wife might need some reassurance from you that you’re not going anywhere. Was there romance in the beginning of your relationship? If so, you can slowly start to recapture that. It sounds like it’s fixable and you’re not done.

Re: I know I don't belong here...(male)

Personally I would like to thank you for your comment. Being female doesn’t always make us right. It isn’t’ a gender thing but a persons character and ethics that matters. I went through a divorce after being married 43 years. The process took 4 years however we had Covid during that time. I live in CA USA so laws are probably different. It was pretty cut and dry. You can do some research on divorce law where you live. You might even want to consult with an attorney. I respect you want to allow your in-laws to finish their visit in peace and not drag them into you marriage issues. You may need to just have a frank conversation with each other before you make drastic moves. It will be every hard on your children. Whether or not you mean to the kids get dragged into it. Perhaps marriage counseling first. Mine was supposed to be a friendly divorce. It didn’t, stay that way long. You sound like the kind of man we would all like to have as a husband. I hope you can work this out with your wife. If not protect yourself legally.

Re: I know I don't belong here...(male)

Hi Chris,

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Maybe she's just scared of how she will get by on her own. Maybe she's been talking too much to other women.

My ex- and I had a very amicable divorce, both our boys were over 18, so no child support to worry about. We split everything 50/50; divided the house equitably. He does pay me alimony because I mainly worked part-time in order to be home more and take care of the children, but we came up with a figure that we could both live with. Hopefully you can do the same.

We still spend time together, do things together, help each other out, etc. I was so suprised the negative comments I get from people- that they can't believe I get along with my ex-. Aren't we "supposed" to be fighting, mad at each other, etc.

Maybe she's buying into the assumptions and comments from others that "she's supposed to stick it to you", etc.

I would suggest that you consult with an attorney and find out what the laws are where you live and what you are entitled to. Also, can the two of you talk it out, go see a counselor together?

I will tell you that our boys are very grateful that we all get along. The four of us spend holidays/birthdays/family dinners together. They have actually told us that they are glad we get along. It will be so much better for your children if both of you can do this amicably and I hope she sees that.

All the best!

Re: I know I don't belong here...(male)

Thanks for the replies. I could not find the forum again until recently.

I'm doing research, I'm in western Canada as I don't think I mentioned it.

Mother in law took very ill a few days after my post so things have been hectic at home. Tried to talk to my wife but it went no where.