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Guilt regret

My whole marriage I thought my husband was the problem but after getting divorced and reflecting I’ve realised it was actually me. I lost a genuinely loyal loving kind and patient husband who never wanted to give up on me till the last moment. It was my anxiety that used to consume me, my own traumas and triggers that kept resurfacing, it was like a fog I couldn’t see through clearly till now
I had so many chances where I did temporarily realise and try to change but the same mistakes kept being repeated. I’ve lost him forever and I can’t forgive myself at all. No amount of logic or comforting words can bring me peace, all I can think about is what I’ve done how I destroyed my marriage myself and how badly I want this pain to end. Everyday is just about surviving at this point, trying to stray from the thoughts of giving up

Re: Guilt regret

Hi Ruby,

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

I wanted to share because I was on the other side of that situation. My ex-husband had significant anger, emotional, trust issues that caused him to lose control, lash out at me, verbally abuse, etc. All stemming from some childhood issues growing up with a physical disability/teasing/insecurity etc.

I tried everything to get him to go for help and address his issues that were destroying our marriage. He refused.

So I eventually filed for divorce. He now says that that opened his eyes and he finally saw how he had destroyed our relationship. He has since gone for therapy, is on appropriate medication, asked for forgiveness, is working hard to make it up to me, etc.

While we will never get remarried (he would, but a "no" from me) we are great friends. Spend time together every week, can have dinners and time together with our children, etc. He is still my best friend.

There is hope for you to build a positive relationship with your ex-. But you will have to put some work into it, just feeling guilty isn't enough.

Good luck!

Re: Guilt regret

I just want to caution you about putting all of the blame on yourself. There were two people in your marriage. In your self-reflection try not to glamorize your husband’s actions, rather try to remember his role too. Be kind to yourself okay? Water seeks its own level. Work on yourself separately and not in comparison to who your ex is. Sometimes when spouses know each other’s triggers they can exploit them and I think you know deep down whether he might have done some of that.

Re: Guilt regret

Not necessarily… I am in the same boat as the poster. My husband was honestly a good man, supported me and loved me but my own insecurities and mental health issues completely messed things up. He never did anything to exploit them. It’s not always the man’s fault. I’ve had to accept in therapy that I was the problem and need to work on my self. I regret leaving because the men out here really are a piece of ****. I’ve been in a very abusive and manipulative relationship since being divorced. It’s been the worst relationship of my life. I wish I could turn back time and be married to my husband still.

Re: Guilt regret

I feel the same way. How are you dealing with this?

Re: Guilt regret

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am in exactly the same boat. All I can say is please seek therapy and work on yourself. It’s what I have been doing. I needed to recognises that I did not know what healthy love looks like, therefore I mistreated my husband because of my childhood trauma. Working on finding out what this is and why it shows up your life as an adult. It is the only way to change behavior patterns and find healthy love. Wish you all the best. You deserve it, try not to beat yourself up