Discuss your troubles, compare ex's, offer suggestions, and share stories!
I mean I feel like the title kind of says it all.
It’s very very confusing and I could spend a year writing out all of the details but here it is.
Me (29F) and my husband (25M) married when he was 20 and I was 24. Met at work, didn’t want to date someone I worked with but he persuaded me and ended up being the most romantic Prince Charming ever. Eloped with him 4 months later and told no one until months after. They were all ****** but got over it quickly.
He’s Puerto Rican, from the island. I’m white from NY. The cultural differences have always been fun and exciting for me to learn about and I fully immersed myself in it. His family loved me and we did a lot all together including going to their Christian church and throwing many birthday parties despite the language barrier. My family is not very close, his are great.
In 2020 we got hit with tragedy after tragedy. I’m not kidding when I say people said we were cursed. I got covid and almost died in the hospital at 27 years old as a healthy woman, I couldn’t work because of my long haul symptoms, he was an essential worker. We got a puppy named Pluto to help with how horrible the year was for us and be our support animal. Someone killed him in a hit and run while I was asleep with an ear infection upstairs when he was only 8 months old. He was my everything and it was the worst thing to ever happen to me still. I would have rather stayed in the hospital with covid. They ran 3 stops signs and we’re doing 60 in a 25 neighborhood road and killed him. Never stopped.
5 days later a stranger got out of their car and assaulted me and punched me in the face multiple times and ripped off my necklace when my husband wasn’t home. The day after that our fish of 2 years died. 3 weeks later our roommate went berserk on us and told us she was a stripper and a witch which we knew nothing about. Our basement flooded because the sun pump stopped working, renters insurance didn’t cover it. We were renting the house illegally without our knowledge so we couldn’t get any emergency assistance during covid when I was super sick and couldn’t work. A car hit a deer and the deer smashed into the side of our truck parked on the street for only 1 hour. Honestly, you name it, it happened to us. This was just a few months of 2020 btw. Also we planned to have a wedding December 2020 but guess what never happened.
Fast forward and we were just fighting all the time, gained a lot of weight, miserable, in debt and just doing horribly all around. He was patient and kind but started to pull away from me because I was so depressed and anxious I was lashing out at stupid things that I regret now. We had a perfect marriage until covid hit. Never even fought.
Even after, he never cursed at me, yelled at me, drank, smoked, stayed out without telling me, slept on the couch nothing. We worked hard to be good to eachother but it started to fall apart from the pressure of everything.
2021 we moved in with my brother in a tiny trailer and the fighting was constant. I said maybe living separately might help us since we were so confined. He moved in with his parents.
For a year we tried to make it work, counseling, date nights etc and we both really loved eachother. But I felt he wasn’t putting in enough effort and looking back I wasn’t being as caring and patient as I should have been. We both made mistakes but nothing horrific like cheating or violence.
December 2022 he said he wanted a divorce during an argument. I thought he would change his mind but he didn’t. I thought I would be able to be okay with it eventually because I was sick of the fighting too and we’re both young. But I had a change of heart, and I don’t want this at all.
I made a last ditch effort this past week to show him how much has changed since the cursed years we had. I’m on medication now for my depression, I’m back in college after 10 years, we have 2 new pups and a cat, I’ve lost weight and feel happy with my appearance, I have goals for the future and I really am sorry for what I put him through. I sent him an edible arrangement and a bag of adidas stuff because he loves adidas with 2 cards. One hand made that said thank you for everything he’s done and one that said sorry. I asked for a clean slate and to start over new because I think we have the knowledge now to both do better for eachother. He took a week to think about it. (He already told me a few weeks prior he didn’t love me anymore because I asked why he wanted a divorce).
On Sunday he told me he didn’t change his mind and he doesn’t love me anymore. I asked him what was the harm in trying even for 30 more days before signing the papers? (I also have continuously told him I’m not going to make this horrible for us both. I don’t want to go to court and fight and drag it out. I won’t hold him hostage in the marriage but I also told him I think this is a mistake.)
He just keeps saying he’s made up his mind and it’s not changing. Not really giving me anything else.
And no, there’s no other women. And no, he doesn’t have any friends literally none so there’s no one in his ear telling him what to do. He doesn’t talk to ANYONE about his private life PERIOD. I do mean anyone. Not his brother, the pastors, not even me sometimes. So no one is telling him anything.
I just feel like he’s making a huge mistake and he should at least give it one more try but I don’t want to be pushy. I just can’t wrap my head around what was so awful to make him feel this way when for over a year I tried every plan A-Z to keep us together. I wanted couples counseling with the pastors from HIS church because I thought he would be more comfortable with them. I did a lot.
And I have no one to talk to about this that would understand.
There aren’t many people in this world in their 20s that don’t smoke, do any drugs, drink, curse, attend church constantly and are as patient and loving as he is and I love him with all of my heart. I don’t want to lose someone this special, especially when nothing horrific happened between us and we both still care about eachother.
And yes I’ve heard “just focus on yourself.” I am. I was too 10% in my college, work full time and have 3 jobs and hobbies and cook and clean and everything. I’m taking better care of myself now than maybe ever before because of the depression medication. That’s not what I mean.
I want to know if anyone has been in a similar situation? I think he still loves me. I think he’s sick of fighting and thinks no matter what it will never get better. I think his anxiety is making him think he doesn’t love me. His words and actions aren’t matching and it’s confusing to me.
If you read all of this, God bless you and thank you for any input you have.
V, If I were your Mother or a close friend I’d tell you to let him go. Get the divorce. He’s broken a vow - through sickness and health. You don’t want to stay with someone who has already shown you that they aren’t available for you. I’m sorry, I know it’s hard, it’s difficult to accept. I’d also suggest taking a self defense class. I don’t think a man who is pulling away when you’ve gone through so much will make a good partner or future parent moving forward. Therapy might help you come to terms with accepting this. Feel your feelings and give that love to yourself. If you read some of the other posts on this forum you’ll find a lot of women facing nasty divorces after 20+ years of marriage, children and shared dream homes. Please don’t let that happen to you.
Thank you so much for your kind words, you made me cry a little. I know that you are right and having the support from you guys means the world to me. I’m currently in therapy and the only thing that’s really holding me back right now from moving on is that we have 2 dogs together that are basically our kids. We switch them every 2 weeks between houses but I’ve already blocked him on all social media and his whole family, put all my photos on a hard drive so I don’t see them on my phone and done a lot of stuff like that to start moving forward.
It feels so crushing when someone who wanted you so badly in the beginning and begged to date you gives up on you especially after making the vows. I think his family pushed him to be a much larger part of his Christian church and now that takes up the entirety of his time. I hate this :(