Been married almost 25 years. About 7 were good. The first 7. He changed. Kept waiting for that guy I loved to return. Alcoholic, liar, depression, anxiety, cheating. He is a mess. Have begged him for years to seek help. Finally brought myself to file last June. It was so hard. We still live together. It's awful. Paused the proceeding for a few months because he is such a mess. Can't function. He was briefly hospitalized for anxiety and depression. With all the pain he caused me, for some reason I find it unbearable to hurt him. Find myself comforting HIM. All of our focus is HIM and his depression and anxiety. Met with my attorney yesterday. Explained to my husband the amount the attorney thinks he will have to pay me in maintenance. He's not happy about that. Very tough. We are living together in a small one bedroom apartment. Would love a place of my own but we are both on the lease here and rent is expensive. We thought we could be friends and live together for finances. It's not healthy. I feel so stuck. I am so sad. Just want it to be over. Want this pain to end.

I haven’t filed yet, but have been separated for 7+ months. The only way I have been able to grow stronger, but also go through all these different stages of grief is by being separated. Every time he comes back, I see how much he has not changed and how much stronger I have become. I know it’s terrifying and yet freeing at the same time. If it were me, my focus would be how to separately live together until you are able to physically have separate housing. Is there anyone you can stay with for a night or two a week? Can you split up any of the rooms so you have your own space?
There is nothing easy about all of this. Know you are not alone. 💗

Thank you so much for responding! I have no where to go really. We are living in a one bedroom 850sq ft apartment. Deep down I know I need to get out of here. This is going to sound insane, but he is a mess. Our focus is him and his problems. He has zero empathy for me and what I am going through. It is very unhealthy. But I can't bring myself to abandon or hurt him. It's sick. He has been an alcoholic for decades. Cheated on me multiple times. For years. And yet it kills me to hurt him. Isn't that sick? It was hard as hell for me to even file. I have been so weak in the relationship. Finally felt strong enough to do it. Yet here I still am. I filed in June. Yesterday I had an appointment with my attorney. He told me what he thought my maintenance payments may be. I told my husband and he is not happy about that. So now I feel guilty about THAT! He has always made more money than me. He thinks I should work more. I love my job. Don't understand why I must be the one to lose my beautiful apartment that I love so much and maybe find other employment. I literally live in my bedroom. I am so sad.

I understand the feeling of wanting to be the “fixer” and continuing to worry about your husband even though you know it’s hopeless. I have spent a ridiculous amount of money and time trying to set my husband up to start over. I went to court with him for 2 days for a case his ex wife and he had AFTER I filed for divorce, giving him advice, support and trying to manage his anger issues. I can’t imagine having to still live together, that must make it impossible to emotionally separate. I hope you are able to live separately soon.

Thank you so much. I have a lot of guilt. I feel like my life is pretty good. I love my job. Enjoy my hobbies. He doesn't have any of that. Think it will hurt moving apart when it finally happens. Painful. However, I can see myself happy. Feel guilty about that too! Ugh. I have been waiting for the man I married to return for about 15 years. Crazy how I didn't leave sooner. He's been unfaithful many years. About 7 months ago found out it was still continuiing. I filed. I'm a bit stronger now. Was not in the past. Instead of staying mad, which would probably be better, I am dealing with a very very depressed person with horrible anxiety. It is bringing me down. Just want to laugh and be happy. Very unhealthy here. How nice to find this forum. Thank you.

I understand. I am always thinking of his feelings and trying not to hurt him. Meanwhile, he hurts my feelings at the drop of a dime and shows no remorse. This attachment that we have we people like this is called a trauma bond. Listen to podcasts and read about it. I’m still learning about all of this, but now I see it. Knowledge is power and will help you get away from this. You have a right to be happy.

Thank you. I will give that a listen. Honestly it is so difficult to work on myself when the focus is all him and his problems. It is exhausting. Now that the weather is better I am enjoying my wonderful hobbies and about to start my busy season at my job which I love. Both of these things will take me out of this apartment and away from him. I really just want some peace. And laughs. Have a hearing before the judge on the 17th. Am sure that will bring more pain and hurt. For both of us. I keep thinking...just get the divorce. Follow through. Hoping once that's over that moving on will be easier. Hope that's the case. Sometimes I think I am stuck here til he gets better. Healthier. For now I don't see that happening. Guilt sucks. And you are correct. He had/has no problem hurting me. No problem LEAVING me. Twice. Yet here I am. It's sick.