I instigated the separation for this very reason and it is only now when I reevaluate the last 15 years of my marriage that I never really knew him at all. It’s heartbreaking. The lies that have been told and spread about me since the separation are absolutely unreal. And it’s all a fake show for attention .
I have been totally cut off by his entire family and not a single one of them have asked me my version of events which really hurts.
I just want this hell to be over so I can attempt to move on with my life which is proving to be so very hard.

Wow! Iam in a similar situation. My husband just left me for another woman after 30 years. I knew he had another woman for the past two, but didn’t want to believe it. When he decided to leave he went around town bad mouthing. Everyone in town loves him because he was everyone’s favorite football coach. Nobody would even give me a chance to explain my side. I found his familly on 23 and me 3 yrs ago. He went from having no familly to a familly of 4 sisters and a brother. They all have kids, so my kids finally have cousins. My familly is small,. So now none of the familly on his side talk to me anymore. Iam so worried about holidays. My kids will always want to go there. Because my fam is small. I have lost everything because of this. My point here is that there is always somone else out there that has similar issues with their divorce. It’s very therapeutic to get it out there there just like you did.

I am so sorry you are going through all of this too. It’s so hard.
I have no idea what his family believes. He is very good at painting a picture a certain way. They haven’t spoken to me, so it leads me to believe that they are eating up his “poor me” story. He’s always the victim, which is such BS. He takes zero responsibility for his actions and how they affect others.
I was worried my kids would want to be with him a lot because he’s very good at making things sound so wonderful. They visited him and said they couldn’t wait to come home.
None of it is easy. I hope you and your kids find your peace. 💗

I, too, walk on eggshells. My husband has anxiety and very deep deep depression. For decades I begged him to get help. Also alcoholic. Recently he checked himself into the hospital for a few days. We live together. It was so nice to have my home to myself for those 4 days. Made me realize how unhealthy things are here. It's just getting worse. So unhealthy. Our entire focus is HIM. And his problems. I'm getting lost here. Just want this pain to end.

Wow! I didn't realize so many of us have been in similar situations. In my case, it took 2 or 3 years for me to come to the horrific realization that the reason for my depression was because I had married someone I didn't love. I had been traumatized after experiencing date rape and didn't feel comfortable around the opposite sex unless it was guys I had been friends with before that incident. I felt completely safe around the satanic midget because he seemed to be a perfect gentleman in keeping his hands to himself. Because he wasn't physically attractive, I never saw myself as being anything more than friends anyway. But as time went on, he was able to wear me down with constantly trying to impress me, To make a long story short, against better judgement and everyone in my life who said he wasn't good enough for me, I married him anyway and soon afterward I learned that he was mentally unbalanced, insecure, attention starved and delusional in addition to being on steroids and using vitamins to mask it. He liked to think of himself as a bodybuilder (Being 5'2" and 130lbs is NOT bodybuilder material).Plus he wore women's shoes (his lame excuse was not being able to find men's shoes in his size). It was like being married to a pregnant woman who needed CONSTANT attention.He'd often ask me if he was big down south (like what the hell was I supposed to compare it to), whine about me not facing him when sleeping, whined about not being given a pet name, would get jealous if I went anywhere with my friends, etc he falsely accused me of being abusive when he was the abusive one, told all kinds of lies about me to the military and they never bothered to get my side even when I had to call the police on his ugly little ass. Even after I moved out to get away from him, he tried to find out my whereabouts through my mother and had his friends try to locate me. Even a year or so after the divorce he was dumb enough to list my name for job reference.

I also married someone I did not love. He made me feel like only he had all the answers and he was saving me. I had low self esteem and no direction in life. He pushed me to do better but that turned into him constantly criticizing me for everything. I felt even worse about myself and resented him for it. I was trapped in this marriage and I became passive aggressive. Its been 21 years and he wants out. I do too but since he's the one in charge of everything, I am alone. I have never been on my own and do not know how or where to start. I can see myself being happier away from him but that first step of how to get away is where I am stuck.

If you don't mind my asking, how old were you when you got married? And are there children involved? I'm asking because if you have transportation, you can always gather as much of your belongings as you can and make arrangements to live with a relative while you get on your feet. It's so important to put all your trust in Christ too. When I wanted out and didn't have much to start with, the satanic midget wanted to try and threaten taking away my car to get me to do as he wanted. He also tried to prevent me from knowing that I was supposed to receive spousal support once leaving him. I moved back home with my mother (4 hour drive away from the satanic midget) but it wasn't safe enough since he knew where to find me. By chance I looked into a job out of state, drove out to see about the job and a married couple was nice enough to offer me a room at their condo since I was in bad need of an affordable place to sleep and shower. Before I knew it a month went by. And I liked the state so much (plus was making more money than ever that I didn't want to return to CA). I wound up meeting a man I was nuts over, got my first apartment, wound up pregnant and wound up getting married. Life is good to this day and all Glory to God for that! Things are never as they seem to be Sometimes God has to let us go through the mud in order to have us come out smelling like a rose! I hope this helps you.

My future ex husband was very easygoing and appreciative for over 20 years. He fell on his head really hard but the hospital didn’t do any imaging tests, so I don’t know if his personality changed due to that or due to aging.
This isn’t the man I got involved with and stayed with for so long. I’ve been on edge all this time and it’s made my anxiety tendencies much worse. I’ve sometimes taken medication vacations after tapering down my sedatives, but I see that it’s not my fault that I have to keep returning to my pills. Just this afternoon, he went into a real angry fit of rage over, get this…something as trivial as a fruit/vegetable peeler. His eyes looked like they were about to pop out, and he has very high blood pressure as it is, but I couldn’t imagine what the reading on his personal b.p. monitor was right then.
Before that, I was calm, cool and collected, well, for myself anyway. That’s all it took to ruin it.
I then left the kitchen and locked myself into another room until he cooled off. No wonder I often get panic attacks in the kitchen. That’s where he’s had the majority of his fits, same with the last two places we lived in. No wonder I just let dirty dishes sit there indefinitely.

Hi Jes,

I going through the same thing but without children. I am going on week 2 of a separation, process of divorce. I think my husband is on the lower end of the narcissist spectrum but he’s also a religious narcissist. Right now he his playing nice but he’s love bombing me with the hopes I come back, like I have always done in the past. I have done a lot of research and now know that they will never change. I too have lost myself and my purpose over the years. Thankfully I started some therapy earlier this year that got me mentally prepared to finally make the move to leave, and actually follow through with it. We were married 16 years and suddenly he took a radical change and became super religious. Now I am being accused of abandoning him, yet at the same time he “wants to take care of me forever” lol, which is just a trigger. I wish you the best during this transition in your life. I don’t have much advice since I’m new to this divorce thing myself, but finally taking to attorney gave me a sense of direction. Stay strong my friend, as that’s the best we can do during these times. I hope you have someone to talk to when you need them.

married less than a year and i am divorcing now. I too think my husband has borderline personality. The anger rages are so sudden and uncalled for (wanted to watch the ball drop on new years couldn't get remote to work so he threw remote and started yelling making me feel like it was my fault- i rang in the new year alone and in tears). It goes on from there.( got curd out on the plan to my honeymoon when he did somthing wrong) i too became depressed and went on medications thinking it was me who could not handle life. IT IS NOT. no matter how hard this will be i am moving on . i need freedom. i need my REAL smile back. I have been putting on a facade for 11 months.