Discuss your troubles, compare ex's, offer suggestions, and share stories!
My husband and I have been married for over 25 years. I am head over heels in love with him and always have been. We’ve had our ups and downs like most marriages. We were married at 18 and weren’t grown up enough to know exactly what that meant. There was infidelity a couple of years into the marriage, but our love overcame it and we worked through it. In 2007, I had an affair. I wasn’t proud of it and we worked through it. I know that it’s no excuse, but he wasn’t paying attention to me and I found affection somewhere else. He forgave me and our relationship was stronger than ever and we got along great….until last year. He would sneak out of the house after I fell asleep to go to strip clubs and hang out with his friends. When I would ask him about it, he would tell me to stop being so sensitive. We wanted to keep our marriage going and decided to have a nice Christmas out of town just me and him. We wanted to reconnect because he had to start traveling for work. He left right after Thanksgiving and I wouldn’t see him again until December 23rd. We spoke multiple times every single day. I missed him so much and it seemed as if he missed me too. All of a sudden the phone calls and texts stopped. He told me through text message that he was busy with work and was trying to get all of his work done so we could meet up for Christmas. We FINALLY meet up on Christmas Eve and he seemed to give me the cold shoulder. I told him that I missed him and he wouldn’t kiss me. He said he didn’t miss me. I thought he was kidding. He was not. The next morning, on Christmas Day he told me that he loves me but isn’t in love with me. My life just shattered in front of me and I was hundreds of miles away from my family. I asked him if there was someone else and he told me no. We slept together later that day and he told me that he didn’t want a divorce and didn’t want to lose me from his life. He said that he didn’t want to talk about what was going on and to this day we still haven’t fully spoken about it. He had to go back out on the road for work and we parted ways. We had been talking on the phone, sexting over FaceTime and he was having me send lingerie photos to him. He came home in early February for a family function and things seemed almost normal. Our sex life was great, the way it used to be. Then, back on the road again. We had plans to meet up with some friends for St. Patrick’s Day. When we met up, he confessed that there was someone else. They met at the airport. He claimed that they had not slept together. I was so naive and I believed him. At his request, I started spring cleaning the house and selling items on eBay. The eBay payments bounced back and I tried to login to the Discover bank account to fix the payments and it logged me into his Discover card. I saw a charge from Shutterfly and thought it was fraudulent. I then logged into Shutterfly and there were photos of him with another woman. They were kissing. He made her a blanket that said “All you need is love acceptance and we can do it all together as one”. My heart broke. But, this was only the beginning. From here, I could see where the blanket got shipped to, which gave me her home address and name. From there I was able to find her phone number. Then, I got angry and started snooping. I know I shouldn’t have, but I didn’t know what else to do. I logged into his email and saw that he had sent her an email while we were together at Christmas. One email said “Why aren’t you talking to me you know how much I love you?” My heart sank. There was another email that was a lingerie ad. He told her that he loves it when she dresses up for him. I would like to stay that this was the end of it, but it’s not. I see a recent email to another woman and the subject is I like your butt. It was another lingerie ad. So, I confront my husband about it and he tells me that the first woman is out of the picture. Then, he tells me that he has to play nice with the second woman because they are working on a million dollar deal with a new hotel being built. He needs the deal to go through so he can stay at home and stop traveling. So, he’s whoring himself out for a job. He told me that we can work on us. He keeps meeting up with this woman and lying to me about it. Another thing is that I got drunk a few weeks ago and called both of these women on the phone. The first woman told me it was over and hung up. The second woman told me that she is engaged to my husband. He gave her a ring. I found the receipt. He told me that it was for her birthday. Since then, he has met up with her in another city for work reasons. They are together right now, for work reasons. They are supposed to be in Tennessee, but I found plane tickets for a return flight from Denver, which is where she lives. He swore to me that he is not in Denver. I have to find enough strength to walk away from this man. I want to be with him more than anyone, but I can’t take this anymore. I don’t know how to give up on love. I don’t know what to do.
I know how it feels to love someone so much that you convince yourself that all of the red flags are excusable… but really, all these red flags are clear signs that you need to run for the hills. Trust me, I’ve been there. Someone who truly loves you will be honest with you and won’t waste your time. And they certainly won’t cheat on you, especially not with some crazy excuse to try to justify it. You deserve to be valued, committed to, and treated with respect.
Also, thank you for sharing your story. It resonated with me because I know how it feels to get your hopes up about reviving your marriage just to find out your partner isn’t being as honest and genuine as you are.
I’m currently grieving the end of my marriage. I moved out last summer after constantly arguing with my husband and toxic in laws (we all lived together to save money — HORRIBLE decision!) to the point where it ruined my mental and physical health, and my daughter was overhearing fights to the point where she was constantly worried about me and sad that I was always crying because of her dad. That’s not the example I want to set for her, and I knew at that point that I needed to get out and show her the importance of standing up for yourself. My husband said he wanted a divorce after I moved out because he only valued me as his wife when I was under his roof and abiding by his/his family’s rules. I was devastated.
I didn’t go looking for love after getting dumped — I had actually sworn I’d never love again — but it found me anyway. I unexpectedly started dating someone new who genuinely loved me, cared about me, and treated me right. I was lucky. I hit the jackpot. But I still missed my husband. After bouncing back and forth between ignoring my existence and being downright mean to me, my husband found out that I had moved on and went absolutely crazy. Super territorial, and suddenly wanted to express how much he loved me and wanted me back. Still loving him, I fell for it. So I stupidly left my new partner to try and make my marriage work with my husband. I thought I was doing the right thing by making my marriage work.
He rarely made time for me and never let me live dating someone else down. We were rarely intimate and he frequently stood me up on major holidays and personal events. I rarely got to see my daughter, and we fought constantly. I told myself to hold on to prove myself to him, as if this was some sort of test of loyalty. I was frequently accused of cheating and while other people wanted to date me and show me love, I rejected them all and stayed faithful to my husband. But it didn’t matter. Nothing I did was ever good enough, and no matter how much disrespect I tolerated, he just… wouldn’t make time for me or treat me right. The man had me wearing wedding rings and constantly defending him to my family and friends… meanwhile he refused to admit to his family that we were working things out and acted like a tough guy who didn’t care about me, under the guises of “privacy” and “protecting us.”
After 6 months of what I thought was reconciliation (but was really just him not wanting to see me move on and wanting a wife without putting in any commitment himself), my husband broke things off in a particularly cruel way this past weekend. After I tried to talk to him about my hurt feelings about yet another insanely cruel he did, he basically told me he isn’t even in our marriage anymore and didn’t care whether I stayed or left. After blowing up my phone, he announced that he was dropping out of my life for good, and then threatened to call the cops on me if I have any sort of contact with him… yet we’re supposed to be coparenting our 11 year old daughter (my step-daughter, but I’m the only mother figure she has and I love her as if she’s my own). How the hell am I supposed to coparent with someone I can’t even speak to? How can someone who claimed to love me, want me, and be my best friend tell me he loves me one day, and then drop out of my life less than 24 hours later? On top of this, despite telling me to “have a nice life” and never talk to him again, he keeps messaging me and leaving me angry voicemails… and he seems to get more and more angry the longer I don’t respond. So if I don’t respond because I was told I’ll have the cops called on me if I do, I’m the bad guy… but if I DO respond, I’ll end up in handcuffs? Even though he reached out to me first? It doesn’t make sense!
This is all a long-winded way of me saying that I, too, ignored a bunch of red flags, constantly gave my husband the benefit of the doubt, and leaned heavy on the fact that I believed so strongly that he loved me… just to end up in the ****tiest position of my life! I justified so much crappy behavior and now look at where I am! Alone, hurt, confused, scared, and unsure if I’ll ever get to see my kid again. Giving him the benefit of the doubt constantly only landed me in deeper hell than I was in the first time around. You can keep giving him second chances, but it will only land you in a worse position every time you forgive him. I hate being lonely, but I’d rather be alone than married to the wrong guy. I hope someday you feel the same way. Love and hugs to you!
Wow!!! What a jerk, I feel like I'm reading part of my story.
I'm in the same situation. I love my husband so much but I know this isn't healthy for me and our kids. I'm so confused! I keep asking música am I that stupid for still wanting our marriage and him