About five and a half weeks ago my husband told me late at night on April 8 that he wants a divorce and that he didn't think he was in love with me anymore and that he thinks he's having a midlife crisis, he just turned 50. This came out of the blue. There were some red flags but he had assured me his losing weight was just for him. He told me this two weeks before our 22nd anniversary. I have been in such a state of depression and crying all the time. A few days later he was on the phone asking friends if they new of places for him to rent and by the following weekend things came to a head because he wouldn't talk to me and I finally forced him to. He told me why would you want someone that doesn't feel the same way about you and that he has a wondering eye. I snapped and threw all of his stuff in the yard and told him if he wanted to leave then leave. I was so hurt. Since then he will not speak to me about our marriage or even the divorce. He moved out and he ignores me if I call or text unless it is strictly about a bill or the cats. He told me the first week that he had been miserable for a year and that he was sick of me not getting up in the mornings, I am disabled, sick of the house, sick of the dogs and sick of our two grown sons that live with us. He just up and turned his back on us all and left. I have begged him not to do this and when I can actually get him to talk he tells me he absolutely wants a divorce and doesn't love me to that capacity anymore. He had to have been falling out of love and planning his escape for months. Our marriage has not been great. He is controlling of the finances and me and he never spends any time with me or takes me out and when I try to get him to do something with me he just won't. He has neglected me and pretty much treated me like crap but there are the moments where his soft spot shows and that's what I gravitate to. I still love him and want to work on our marriage. I can't accept that he is gone. My whole life revolved around him. I was always waiting on him to pay attention to me to notice me, really to actually love me. We have been through so much together and I thought the bad stuff was behind us and we were about to embark on our time together. I did not see this coming and I was just blindsided. Hes probably spent months detaching from me and is over me but just hit me with this and I'm still in love with him and what could still be if he would try. He has cheated on me twice that I know of and I feel there is someone else now. He started losing weight months ago and dressing better. He just got ******* and ******* when he would be home around us. He told me he was to the point he didn't even wNt to come home anymore. Please help me through this, I don't know how to let go. I'm hurting so bad and it's too much.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I think when someone cheats it’s disgusting and the trust is gone. Try reaching out to a therapist and check if there are any divorce groups in your area. Shame on your husband for being a bad example to your sons. He needs to man-up, put his own pleasure-seeking desires away and put his focus on providing for them and for you. Leaving doesn’t give him the right to abandon his responsibilities. And don’t you feel bad- this is his weakness not yours. Any little thing you do whether it’s 30 minutes organizing, listening to your sons talk about their day, doing the dishes… give yourself credit, celebrate every accomplishment no matter how small you might think it is. I wouldn’t worry too much about your sleep schedule we’re all different and can’t all be early birds, right?! You’ve been dealing with a lot!

I'm devastated too. We've been together 47 years and married 45 of those years. Last December, I saw a text on his phone. In the middle of the page was BABE. I asked him who was calling him babe, and he told me he was having an affair. I knew that it was Sue, but he insisted it was "Margaret". In response, I went to alcohol rehab for a month. So he was free to not have to sneak around. Then Feb, March, April. Every time I saw him texting, I thought it was to Sue--wouldn't you? Then, he told me he was moving out. That was it for me. I contacted a lawyer and am in the middle of divorce proceedings. I also adopted a puppy--(don't do that, it's just another source of stress.) Anyway, I'm devastated that he has rejected me..he was the one that gave me confidence in myself. He always supported me and had my back. I feel so alone. Though my girlfriends have been supportive, I still sob daily. He wants to be "friends" and gave me an example of a divorced couple we know who still are friends. He thinks that is the example to follow. I wish I were dead, often. I wish he would die. I want to take revenge, but there's no way to do it. I certainly don't want to pick up with another guy. At least now. And I'm wasting a lot of effort trying to figure out revenge. And he won't get a lawyer, so I filled out his "sworn financial statement" that the judge requires. My counselor says don't communicate with him, but we have to communicate over money, living situation, how to split things up. I'm a rudderless ship. I know I'll get over it, but it hurts like hell. I can't think or make decisions and feel like I'm going insane. My latest tactic is this forum, and to quit texting him and girlfriend those ugly texts. All that shows is what an angry witch I am, and I deserve to be dumped after 47 years.

I'm so sorry you're hurting. It is very hard. I'm going through it too, although my situation is different. But my husband is leaving me too, and he's been lying and doing things behind my back to prepare. Today I found out he's known for a week that the VA money I helped him to apply for more of was granted and now he'll have all this money to start over in another much cheaper country and won't have to work. Good for him. The thing I'm thinking for both of us is that we have to realize that it's not that we're bad or unattractive or unworthy that they want to leave. It's because they just want something different than us. For whatever reason. I could beat myself up, which is my inclination, but I just have to remind myself everyone's entitled to like what they like, and if it's not me, I don't want to be with him. I'm sick of feeling like he doesn't listen or care or notice. I'm sick of feeling ignored.

It might help you to write some stuff down. I don't know. I've started this journal just jotting down random thoughts or things that bug me or when I'm feeling sad, and it's sort of helping. Even though I don't have a shrink yet because I don't know where I'm moving or any real friends - none of the few I told I was divorcing have even checked on me and it's been a week!!! - I at least now have a place to go and vent. My computer. It might help you to be honest with yourself about your feelings and his and try to see why he's changed his feelings. But don't beat yourself up. He might have changed. Who knows? Something now might appeal to him that didn't before.

I know it's so hard, but if he doesn't want to be with you, do you want to force him and then know he doesn't really want it? That wouldn't feel good at all. I think you have to find a way to let him go. Don't dwell. Be kind to yourself. Don't listen to music or look at pictures or anything that will make you feel nostalgic. I'm trying to focus on my goals of finding a job and packing and saving my dogs, and that helps. We're kind of stuck at our house until it sells in the meantime, so that's awkward, but I'm barricaded in my office most of the time...

Big hugs. Be well, and please keep posting if you need more comfort. It's nice everyone can be here for each other during this very scary time. Try to get some good sleep... :)