I feel it’s time I posted how this one particular subject has enhanced my bpd and drastically changed my life.
I used to be so confident, happy, laid back, I didn’t realise how relationships could slowly strip most of that away from me….!
Not all do that but the ones who chose porn over me were the ones that paved the way for years of depression, worry, self destructive behaviour…but worst of all, it has changed my outlook and totally ruined what was once a clear innocent mind.
I miss that…. Having a clear mind….
I miss that person I used to be….
I’ve battled depression for the last three years and was in an extremely dark place. I’ve never really had a good life, if I remember most was just survival than enjoying it.
I know I’m not the only one and feel for all who have struggled/ struggling too.
We all have our personal reasons why we are where we are now and what contributes and triggers our BPD.
Every single relationship I had.. I realised a pattern that didn’t just happen to me but as far as I’m aware everyone.
I learned so much about myself but the stress took its toll massively on me and sadly who I am now as a person.
It’s made me definitely a more negative person.
Very switched on emotionally, but my mental health is in shreds.
I view things in an extremely negative and awful light.
I’m not too hard on myself as I know if certain things didn’t happen in my life.. I wouldn’t be the way I am.. and that’s the thing with bpd, it’s usually from trauma and bad experiences.
I now have so much of an understanding about myself and others with this.
I know bpd suffers can relate to this and I do take some comfort from that as I used to feel I was very different ,but I had to dig deep and work out what factors contributed to this and realised it was past trauma and experiences relating to porn.
I had a three year relationship over on the Isle of Wight about 5 years ago, I guess this was when I realised just how damaging men dedicating themselves to porn over myself was.
Here’s my story..
I wanted a fresh start, move away from a town that held bad memories and fully embrace being a mum to my daughter at the time 6.
But I felt I had moved over from the mainland to start this brand new life…for absolutely nothing.
I literally just felt like everyone’s mum.
I’ve always had flirty and chemistry in other relationships but realised this one was just different.
He was about 5 years younger than me and never ever thought intimacy would ever be an issue!
Little did I know how wrong I was and how much I was to learn, whether I liked it or not.
Not only that, in a nut shell this was the start of opening up a world of “ welcome to how damaging porn is”
I just felt I wasted my time,
I felt I was a buddy and good companion than an attractive girlfriend.
From being desired most of my life to absolutely nothing was hard hitting.
I felt lonely, unwanted, unattractive and extremely depressed.
I soon left.
I didn’t see this was my future, too much pain in such short time.
I left that relationship extremely relieved and knew I had a long road a head of healing.
I did exactly that.
I moved back to the mainland in with my stepdad as I had know where to go.
My mum didn’t want to take us in.
I got a job and my goal was to eventually save and get my own place for myself and daughter.
It took many years by myself to repair all id gone thro and eventually after about 3 years I felt healed enough to eventually start dating again!
I had moved a couple of times in between then, finally everything fell into place!
Life was good.
I finally was me again, I learned how to laugh again and reached a good, stable point in my life of happiness and independence!
It’s then I started to join the dating scene.
I was nervous but excited … I felt ready.
I was at peace with myself and didn’t feel so bitter anymore.
I battled some depression but got thro it!
Life was good..
I didn’t want my last experience to tarnish any future relationships.
I went on dates with the new man, this time ten years older.
What could possibly go wrong.
I did remember when I first met my partner opening up and telling him just how much I suffered when my then ex chose porn over me.
I felt I needed to tell him this.
I remembered it was very upsetting and painful for me and all I got back was .. I could never do that.. look at you.. how could anyone do that………
I felt reassured.
Little did I know that AGAIN.. yes again this very thing would happen to me for the second time!!

I never got a honeymoon period when I dated my partner.
It’s very odd I know.
I just assumed he was still going thro depression and grieving from losing a member of the family.
As the months went on… I felt similar signs happening that I recognised all too well…there was just no intimacy, very little interest …
I felt that my deep empathy and understanding personality attracted men to me more than what usually should be physical attraction.
Again, I’ve never had any problems with this … but felt something wasn’t quite right.
I put it down to shyness.. even being a gentleman!
I actually convinced myself it was the whole being a gentleman thing.. but after three months and intimacy only happened a couple of time I realised history was about to repeat itself!
Could this even be happening again??
It’s a big eye opener…. It fully crushed me and to this very day I am still battling with every emotion that comes with it.
I am more aware than ever just how toxic damaging and addictive pornography is!
But at the same time feel anger this kept tearing up my life.
So many people suspect signs similar to cheating as the emotional and physical abandonment is there, the loss of interest seems to be there at the start.. and this is why many suspect affairs.
You literally lose your mind from this!
I was mid thirties, at my prime, slim, attractive woman and I felt like a ghost in my last two relationships.
I can’t tell you how disheartened and disappointed I felt leaving a relationship like this, only to go back into another with the exact same toxicity!
I had to deal with a partner who actually preferred porn ( viewing all other women online) than to sleep with me.
This went on throughout the whole duration of our relationship.
We are still together but as much as the love is there, the pain, betrayal, anger has never left.
As I get older , wiser.. I feel I’m constantly battling my mind the minute I wake just to talk myself into stoping the negative thoughts.
It’s hard work.
I’m so exhausted from this.
I can’t believe only a couple of years ago I had put a nasty experience behind me o my to go thro it all over again.
The same emotions, the feeling of being conned, then the personal attacks set in and I didn’t like myself.
I turned on myself and that’s a main thing women do especially as they are aware they are up against hundreds of girls on the internet.
The variety is just unbelievable and it’s fully affected how i function and think.
Loads of women live like this so oblivious to what’s going on, we almost look like fools making the house a home, raising the kids.. work.. yet our men are not In the slightest bit interested in us sexually.
I felt over the years I was just living a lie, the more i stayed the more it looked I was accepting it!
Absolutely far from it.
I feel so different now as opposed to that once confident happy woman I used to be. It has fully changed my life.
I’m more miserable now, very negative… bitter.
These emotions I honestly thought I managed to get rid of the last time.
But so many women live like this and not even realise it’s that stuff online that is ruining society globally.
I literally had to educate myself on it for many years.. but as much as the knowledge is good, it’s also a curse.
I just don’t see men sadly in a good/ healthy light … this also stems from a lot of childhood trauma …. Before anyone puts me in the firing line.
I joined a forum which I believe is American, called women’s divorce.
Most of my posts of how I felt is on there, it made me cry reading so many womens similar situations to mine.
But it also helped me tremendously.
I didn’t feel so alone, and many were in the exact same boat as me.
So many women are broken by the damaging effects of a man ( their man they love) choosing to look up multiple sexy women daily .
I mean wouldn’t it be weird if we were ok by this? The person you love and live with… choosing these girls over you?
Surely that makes it easier to understand.
It’s only now some men are realising erectile dysfunction is caused mainly by too much porn viewing.
When I posted on that subject before, it was shocking how many men and women got defensive and angry not fully understanding how their internet viewing is killing their bits.
I believe a lot just don’t want to hear it because they simply enjoy it too much.
But if you really research pied.. porn induced erectile dysfunction, the man is so used to a certain virtual form of stimulation, that when he tries intimacy with a “real” life woman / his partner .. boom his bits don’t work.
It’s a true fact and not made up nonsense most angry men slaughtered me for.
Their brain is rewired in a different way especially after years of doing that.. which sadly most do.
It just deeply pains me hearing how many men emotionally abuse us thinking it’s simply ok to check out perfect girls every day behind our backs some infront of them.
I’m not saying porn is all bad, some it can help, but when you scroll thro womens real life stories of sheer pain and suffering from the results of their partners doing this, something needs to be done.
I just feel because I suffered and attacked myself from this, women need to be made more aware of what’s really going on behind closed doors.
That’s two relationships now that I experienced this.
My sex luge suffered and I suffered.
I struggle massively with this very topic.
I became so depressed I didn’t want to live.
I feel what and how I feel now is life long, you can’t escape your mind.. and it’s hard undoing what you’ve seen.
To “get used to” my man I love, commited myself to, looked after etc viewing other women for pleasure daily.. is something I won’t ever get used to.
It has broken me beyond belief.
People look at me, see my photos, videos.. and you’d never know just how broken and damaged I really am judging on the outside.
What I also have is bpd, they say one of the symptoms with that is a very distorted way of thinking.
You couldn’t be more right, because of what I now know of men and how much a couple of partners emotionally destroyed me regarding this porn addiction, I can’t view men in a good light, again I do apologise to any it offends, but these posts are about being real/ honest right?.. sometimes I need to reach out and feel us women go thro too much and I just want to shed light on this subject as it’s bigger than you think.
It’s affected me so badly I literally live and breathe damage.
I’m very unwell .. in my head.
I have mastered this art of looking ok on the outside, I had to learn to be fake and appear happy for my daughter now 14.
But I just feel really battered and unwell.
I spent years taking any medication I could just to numb everything, I didn’t know how to live in a world this dirty and very sick.
I feel my thoughts are point black and no one can tell me otherwise, another symptom of bpd.
I do feel these experiences have contributed massively to how I think now.
I try so hard not to be negative, but I’m finding it somewhat impossible.
There is so much nastiness in this world and often feel I can’t live in it.
The things that are posted on these sites, child abuse, trafficking, rape, violence.. yet what I regrettably feel is men like this, the sinister the better.
Normal porn doesn’t give them that hit they look for in the end so they start looking at more and more degrading etc.
It’s so messed up yet it is happening all around us, right now.
If you ever need to see this for yourself, visit this website called no fap, again it’s hundreds and hundreds of men pleading for help to get off those sites.
They are begging for information and advice in how to stop their addiction.
It’s truly unbelievable.
I understand using porn when single, I honestly get that, but to put a partner aside intimately for that.. is wrong in my opinion.
I was that partner and look at me.. how much it has screwed me up.
Again no one sees the true damage and betrayal this brings the woman.
I hear so often how men arent bothered intimately, and it’s because they much prefer the filth on line than to make love affectionately and naturally.
I’m very afraid this generation of children will simply go that way…
I just wanted to point out how looking at a computer screen, phone, iPad “is the affair “ not many know about.
They hide it, so it’s something that’s done very calculated and sneakily.. right in that family home we share with them.
It sets the tone for miss trust and many other mental health issues.
We are in a society where sex sells, it’s the biggest money maker… hence why decades of fighting to get these sites removed doesn’t and won’t ever happen.
How is it everything else you have to pay for yet these sites are absolutely free and accessible at any given moment.
The content is what men are addicted to.
I won’t go into too much now as it’s fully affected my mental health…and bringing me down, but I just want to help women if anything.. see what it could be to why their partners shut them down the way they do.
Affairs do happen, but this is something that is very much happening and destroying not only themselves, but relationships.
I am sorry for this big essay here, I hope maybe we join forces one day and wake up to what’s really going on daily in our lives when in a relationship.
I just feel it’s very similar traits and emotions of pain an affair brings.
It’s not fair putting decent, loving, innocent people thro this… and gradually making us unwell.
I’m so unwell:(
This fully destroys, but if you need any advice at all.. I can help.. I’ve been thro it. It’s unfair how we are silenced and told porn is seen as healthy, ethical, natural…. The world needs to wake up…. There are boys in their teens suffering from erectile dysfunction from this now tell me that’s healthy? Ethical and natural.
It pains me seeing them put a big plaster over it all with viagra…
You can’t fix your mind.. and that’s porn it’s in the mind.. so those little blue pills only mask the problem.
I hope one day I won’t feel so angry, but it’s hard not to.
I’ve spent a life time suffering and most of it has been sex/ porn related.
One day I hope to live in peace 🙏
Many thanks.
Claire
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Thank you for sharing your experiences Claire. It helps to shed light on why I’m feeling like this. My marriage (over 20 years) is ending because of a Cam girl that has scammed him out of money. I begin to wonder… are all men like this now? It’s so disgusting. It truly is. I hope your life becomes beautiful. 🙏🏻

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