I discovered my husband's online affair about 3 weeks ago. They exchanged sexually explicit messages, professed their love for each other, and created pet names. I was completely blindsided by this, my husband and I have been together for about 16 years and married for 10. I never suspected any cheating.
Initially he was apologetic, however, after a couple days he started gaslighting me telling me that it was only online, it was a fantasy he never met her (from what I read they have never met in person) so it's not cheating. I explained that he hid his actions, deleted messages, and basically engaged in cybersex and that I consider that cheating.
His inability to take accountability is leading me to file for divorce. He has betrayed my trust. I feel like our whole relationship has been a lie and I can't help but wonder if he hasn't done this before.
He was invited to a party where there will be lots of alcohol and lots of women. I expressed that given his recent transgression, I did not feel comfortable with him going. In fact, I have been dealing with anxiety behind it. He did the no answer thing for about a week and he expressed to me today that he has decided to go the party. I don't understand how you claim to "love" someone but you are willing to hurt them.
He tells me that I am too emotional and I take things to the extreme. My husband is in his early 40s, and he is starting to act like a teenager. I am unhappy and I want out. I just don't have the courage yet to actually file.
Plan it and do it. Get out because what he did online is cheating. Don’t second guess your feelings. It will be difficult because the person you trusted with all of your dreams, goals and secrets will now turn against you. He’ll use these against you to try to “push your buttons”. Unlike other women who have gone through this, you have an advantage. Most men will out themselves and leave. You can stash away any money or things you need to help yourself. Do this because otherwise he will spend it all. Cybersex is a major addiction and men will tip hundreds of dollars, develop deep emotional attachments and destroy their marriages over it. He sounds like a narcissist and is now showing his true colors. I pray for you to be strong. Oh and don’t expect your friends or family to get it either they don’t understand the pain that you’re going through. It’s just awful.
Hello WillBFree,
I completely understand your hurt and the reality of it is, no matter how good you are as a wife men are visual and require praise regularly. It was an online fantasy that could potentially destroy your marriage fully if not stopped immediately. His fantasy could potentially spill over into him placing unfair expectations on you. Yes, this causes a huge trust issue and leaves a question mark in your mind wondering if this will ever happen again, but marriage is hard work and you dont make it to 50 years without going through some mud. I think your marriage is worth saving if you still want it. If he is willing to go to counseling, the counselor will do the hard part and bring up how his actions have impacted you negatively. The counselor will also get to the bottom of why he felt it was necessary to have this fantasy outside of the marriage. Working through this could potentially restore your marriage to better than before. Men are not taught how to process through their feelings or talk about what they need. If your husband is in his 40's he's in that generation with my husband, that was taught men should be tough and good providers and that's all. The men i have come across in that generation have a more traditional mindset with gender roles and do not understand a need for counseling. If u havent filed, you still have hope. Capitalize on the hope, but start preparing in the event it does not work out. Best luck!
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