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Feeling Judged

Hi, I am in the beginning process of divorce of a 7 year relationship.

I felt called to come here to share something that has been coming up for me that I don't feel I can share anywhere else for the time being.
We met through friends and married 6 months after meeting each other. 3 years after marriage I discovered some text messages from the date of us being 6 months married of him trying to have sex with a woman.
Since then our relationship has never been the same and I spent the rest of the years in this place of discontent, lack of trust, doubt, and unhappiness. These days I understand things a bit more in a panoramic view, and I am sure that I have been living with emotional abuse of some sort.
I realized that I was stuck in this mental place, not understanding why, until the day I came across gaslighting and Narcissistic behavior descriptions and started paying more attention.

Shame, guilt, failure, and a broken heart arrived in my system.
I am still feeling confused about it all. But I choose to follow my gut and stick to the plan. After all, I will only be able to see if the other side is greener if I jump the fence.

Some days are better than others and some days, are full of judgment. I have been trying to keep it low and go through the process without putting too much out there. But he did the opposite and it feels to me that most of his friends and family are attached to his version of this quest.
Well, I feel that is bull****, because it's not a 1 person relationship, and where there are two people that are 2 stories, points of view, and values. But everyone seems to follow his narrative and judge.

I heard crazy, demencional, morron, retarded, oppressiveness, and mental games from his mouth for years. The blame for everything, The comments about my insecurities, the dragging it all into his reality, the everyday war, the sharp words and attitudes diminishing me.
After so many talks break ups and make-ups, always go back to the same place. But in this part, no one is knowing, no one is considering the other side of the story.
It's somewhat distressing to live in this type of ignorance and feel unseen from every corner.
To the point that I dive into self-doubt, and start thinking if this is really all of my fault, I am the homewrecker, the one giving up on the family. It feels lonely and difficult some days. I keep breathing though it and trusting the process. I choose to believe that I am being guided and protected through this whole process and that like the phoenix I will raise from the ashes.

I just felt like sharing would help me a bit.
Sending love to the sisters and thank you for reading.

Re: Feeling Judged

This sounds very familiar to me. I have been married almost a year and the verbal abuse started on the flight to our honeymoon. Although when i look back now it was around for much longer but i was wearing rose colored glasses. I too came to the realization that i was being gaslit by a narcissist wha also may have borderline personality disorder. Every time i tried to push forward and forgive, the anger outburst and abusive language would resume. This past week he also began pinching me. We both had enough. we are divorcing and although i am saddened, I feel free. I want to be me again. I was slowly losing the strength i always knew i had. We may feel judged by others but hey... dont we want to create a life worth living? You got this girl. Nobody deserves to be emotionally manipulated and verbally assaulted. Sending you love and strength.


Re: Feeling Judged

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