My husband and I have been married for 27 years. I won't sugar coat it. We've had communication problems most of our marriage and definitely didn't take care of our marriage. We both were guilty of neglecting our marriage. We both took each other for granted. About 10 years ago we separated for about 6 months. Long enough for us to sell our house, him get an apartment and me move into a rental house. I had a pretty good paying job, my own health insurance, etc. I could weather a divorce at that time and I thought I wanted to be divorced from him back then. I started seeing someone (way too soon) but it helped distract me and I was kind of ok with divorcing because I was exhausted fighting with my husband all of the time. Long story short I contacted him, just to see how he was, we met up and one thing led to another and we ended up back together.

Fast forward 10 years to now. My husband left me at the beginning of August, told me he isn't in love with me anymore, he wants to enjoy what life he has left (he's 57). Thing is I've NEVER felt more in love with him than I do now. I have been reading so many support articles, I go to a therapist now and have delved into everything I've done to make a shambles of this marriage. This isn't to say he didn't contribute to the demise, but I was pretty cold to him a lot of the time. I had my feelings hurt by some things he did and instead of letting my feelings out, I turned them into anger towards him and it just festered. I regret so much now and want the opportunity to make this right now. But he's completely shut down from me. After he left, he basically doesn't call to check on me, our dogs (we don't have kids), or how anything is going here at the house that I've figured out how to manage everything on my own. Everything from him is short and to the point texts and only regarding things like getting together to work out the separation agreement we're trying to do on our own without courts involved. He knows we need to be either separated or legally separated because I need to stay on his health insurance. More importantly than my financials at the moment (he's paying all of the bills for the next 6 months)is the immense pain I feel. I NEVER realized how much I love this man. Now it's too late, I feel. He's being so indifferent to me now and it's not like him to be like that so I feel I don't even know him anymore.
I've thought maybe he met someone and is interested in a new relationship (he was on Tinder at one point in our marriage, which was one of the things that he did that I couldn't really get over and turned it into anger towards him). He was still being affectionate to me up until the week before he left though, so unless I'm just being naive, it just didn't feel like he had found someone else. He travels a lot for his job, but aside from that, he was pretty much always home. Still, since he's never been this cold to me and completely non-caring, my mind keeps leaping back to him finding someone else.
I cry a little less than I did when he first left, but it's still everyday. I walk my dogs and break down crying, I eat dinner (alone) and break down crying. Anywhere and out of nowhere. I'm giving him his space and truly just trying to be non pressuring on him. Not necessarily in the hopes he'll realize he doesn't want to throw away 27 years. I'm not crying to him or begging him to come back or really talking at all about the relationship. He told me he doesn't want to rehash our relationship so I don't really get any closure in this. Like when did he stop caring about me? We've been through so much together in 27 years, how do I move forward and how do I move forward with no real support network. We didn't have kids, I've always been a contented loner (I prefer to spend time reading or listening to music on my patio with a glass of wine, even though I can't even find joy in being with me right now), so don't really have friends to talk to. The only real support I have is my sister and I can't keep crying to her. I feel pathetic and she has a life to be living without my constant depression in it. I tried getting support from my dad, but he's judgemental and we never had a very close relationship anyway. I did get an anti anxiety med script from my doctor and another to help me sleep. I've lost 10 pounds. I'm really trying to be strong every day, keep up with my exercising and eating healthy, but the guilt, heartbreak and reality of facing my life without the only real support I've had since I married him when I was 21 years old is absolutely crushing me and totally derailing the plans I make every day to get through that day without feeling so badly. I've never been abandoned by him before and know I'm not handling this well. How do I do this? Sorry so long.

Stay strong. He sounds like he’s a completely different person now. I’m dealing with that now too. We have kids. I know how it must feel for you that he doesn’t call to check on your dogs because they are like your kids together. I understand how painful this is and I hope that you are able to work through the pain and enjoy the rest of YOUR life. Honestly, your husband sounds a bit narcissistic just like mine. That’s an awful trait and my therapist told me it’s almost impossible for a narcissist to change their ways. Remember, it’s not your fault, you are lovable, and he’s a jerk!

Jen,
I am so sorry you are going through this! I am in a similar boat right now. Married 28 years- I am 45. He was always afraid to lose me and then all of a sudden, he has completely discarded me. I have never experienced rejection like this before. It is unbearable!
The one thing I would have always sworn to be true is that he would NEVER be unfaithful to me. Unfortunately, I was wrong. It is the most shattering feeling I could have ever imagined.

I discovered his infidelity by plugging in an old iPhone of his. Texts started popping up (they only went back a week, but it was enough proof). After about a week, he must have gotten some kind of notification, because he remotely erased the phone. I took screenshots of everything before he erased the phone and thankfully that evidence will at least help in our divorce settlement. You might even consider a private investigator.

I feel your pain in not wanting to burden others by having the same, heartbreaking and depressing conversations with them over and over. That is why I joined this forum…. Hoping that it can be a good outlet for me.

You are welcome to reach out to me anytime if you want to vent.

Thanks. It was good to hear from someone close to my age going through a similar situation. I'm 49.
I have since my post found out that he has gone on 2 "dates" with a woman he met. He was honest with me when I asked him and swears he is not having sex with anyone. I believe him. It's not because he wants back together. He has made it adamantly clear on more than 1 occasion that I was emotionally vacant to him (he's right, hence all the guilt I'm carrying around), for most of our marriage and he just wants to find someone who makes him happy for the rest of his time and wants to make sure we get a legal separation and not just a separation. He has been very generous with financial arrangements to help me out getting back into working again, since I had quit my job 3 years ago. He's giving me very generous monthly payments for 5 years, staying on his health insurance and life insurance policies for 5 years, keeping his name on the mortgage for 3 years (to try and see if interest rates will come down so I can refinance the house in my name only) and staying legally separated for 3 years as well. I know by that alone that he cares about me. He certainly doesn't have to do that much if we ended up in court. His attitude to me is a different story though. He told me the other day when we met for a financials discussion that he didn't feel the same way about me anymore, meaning he wasn't in love with me and he intended to continue dating to see what he can find to make him happy. Doesn't want to come around and see the dogs because he can't commit to consistently around to see them, and if it's not consistent for them, it isn't worth it as far as I'm concerned. He couldn't even give me a friendly "goodbye" hug when we met the other day and said he doesn't feel that towards me. I'm just crushed by the sudden change. Literally 1 week to the next he was telling me how much he loved me then walking out the door. He's having fun playing at the single guy life right now. I don't know how fun that will stay, but coming back to our marriage isn't anywhere on his radar that I completely and painfully get.

Like I said in my original post, I was not near affectionate, supportive or generally loving to him for a lot of the marriage and I just took for granted he'd always be there because that's the kind of guy he used to be. I never really self reflected at the issues I had, why I had those issues and worked on changing them, which I am now, heavily. It's just too little to late, his words. I don't blame him for leaving. I think I might have left me too. I blame him for not talking to me before he got to that point of leaving. Maybe we could have changed something if he'd talked.

I know I've lost this relationship and can't see a way forward. Each day is 1 step forward and about 4 steps back into depression. Everything is bleak and feels hopeless. I've never experienced any pain like this in my life and feel like thrown out trash. I pray and go to my counselor and wait daily until 5pm so I can drink a couple of glasses of wine to calm me down. I don't eat enough and sleep is about 3 hours a night.

I sincerely hope that your situation is getting better and if it is, let me know what's happened and if you are using better coping skills than I am, let me know what's working for you.

It's frustrating how I see everything now that it's too late. I also took for granted his love and care for me. Never ever did I think he would do this. It's not even like he has someone else yet. The pain is unbearable. How do we get beyond this pain? He was unfaithful, but I was "not present" in our marriage. Such a simple fix, and wanting it so badly and him only giving 1 word replies or very vague makes it worse.

All I have are my grown kids, they are very supportive but I can't continue to draw strength from them. That is why I am seeking out this group.

Wow, your situation sounds similar to my situation. I separated around year 8 and got back together a month later. We did go to marriage counseling at year 13. Early this year at 31 years, he brought up divorce. I believe he is going through a midlife crisis as he had anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. I'm definitely not innocent in the demise of our marriage, but I also know its not all on me. I have tried to be the peace maker and kept quiet so it doesn't turn into a fight. Although, for me this divorce is a blessing because I finally opened my eyes that this was not a good marriage. There was infidelity on his side and possibly more than once. I think I was simply in denial and didn't follow up on the red flags. But that's bad on me. If we decided to get back to together, I KNOW divorce would come up again in 5-10-20 years later. I don't want to go through that during my golden years as I may not be able to handle it when I'm older.
Even though I was in agreement with the divorce, it does still hurt. But the hurt is not because I love or want him back. The hurt is the major change in my life and the death of the life I had envisioned. My faith in God and the church community is helping me in the healing process. I still have a long way to go in the healing process, but I know that I will be ok in the future.

Jen, me too. Married 30 years. We've had communication issues most of our marriage just like most but kids kept up busy. Now they're grown. He retired, now I find out he's been cheating. We did therapy and got back together for six months but now I find out there's more secrets that he didn't disclose. So now trust is gone and he agrees without trust there's not much. I'm blindsided and dealing with anxiety. I've been reading books, Stop Overthinking Your Relationship, I Just Want This Done. It talks about to stay away from self-pity (we both contributed to issues) and to think positive and self-care. It helps. Just trying hard to stay busy.

Reading your post was like my life. I have been married 31 years this Halloween. Married when I was 21, he put me on a pedestal and did everything for me.

Little bits of distrust crept in and we had issues from then to now. Sex became difficult for me because I felt disgust for him. As you can imagine, that doesn't work for men. So then I started to become bitter and irritated.

Fast forward, he cheated, I forgave and didn't want to end our marriage.

A month ago he left again, out of nowhere. He still irritated me, but now I miss him horrible, cry everyday. Nothing matters anymore that used to. I see my live for him now, where before I couldn't f8nd it.

He is acting exactly as you described your husband. Completely shut off. New world, new house, new truck and dog! He isn't with anyone besides my son right now. J6st sleeps and works according to my son.

I have sent texts crying and explaining how I feel now and we can fix this, blah blah blah. Vowing each time that I am not texting him again.

I feel your pain. The loneliness is killing me. I'm sorry for your pain, it is excruciating and debilitating. 💜