My husband and I have been married for 28 years, have 4 daughters (14-27 years old) and are just starting the divorce process. We were separated for 14 months bc of his terrible temper. We agreed no other relationships while we were separated and working on our marriage.

He didn’t do any work on himself for the first 6 months and then after he went away for a one week intensive to work on his anger, he still didn’t pursue me at all, like I expressed I needed. He would only invite me over to his PENTHOUSE to have sex. This past June, as we felt like our marriage was hopeless, I decided to ask him to move home so we could give it one last real try- and continue to work on our marriage together, instead of building 2 separate lives. Before he moved in, he confessed at our couple’s counseling session that he had taken a girl on 1 date, but swore they were never physical bc “he wasn’t ready for that”. I asked him to be honest with me if he had been intimate with anybody else, because he is the only person I have ever been with. I needed to know if he was putting me or my body at risk. (We got pregnant when I was 16 and got married 2 months after I turned 17.) He looked me in the eyes and SWORE that I had nothing to worry about bc he hadn’t been with anyone else. Fast forward 1.5 weeks and I tested positive for Chlamydia! He denied doing anything with anyone and even questioned if I had cheated on him!! I stupidly believed him and researched for WEEKS how I could have gotten Chlamydia and given it to him…. NO POSSIBLE WAY! You can ONLY get it through oral, vaginal or anal sex. After 2 weeks, he finally confessed to a one night stand. To say I was devastated is a huge understatement!

Our oldest daughter was getting married in one month, so I kept everything to myself (I told my parents and best friends for support) and tried to make it through the wedding.
After the wedding, I discovered that he was still communicating with the girl he took on the 1 date. Their texts were very sexual and flirty, but I still didn’t know how deep their relationship was. He was with her on our daughter’s wedding day, while we were getting ready and sent her pictures and videos of all of our daughters at the wedding. It was such a gut punch!
A week later, he finally told me there were 3 women that he had slept with. It had been going on for months. I also discovered he had been texting and pursuing a friend of mine, since we were first separated.

I was still willing to forgive and work through everything. He let me believe he was re-committed to our marriage and starting over. Again, I believed his lies and worked so hard to be the best wife and lover that he could ever want. I felt closer to him than I ever had. I believed we would finally have the relationship that I had always dreamed of. Then, I discovered he was still communicating with the “date” girl.

I filed for divorce. He tried to convince me to stop the divorce so we could start over. However, he wouldn’t break contact with the affair partner until after I stopped the divorce. I told him that was backwards and if he wanted to try to save our marriage, he had to let her go first! He said that wasn’t going to happen because they truly care for each other and he didn’t want to risk being alone!

We were still living together and he texted her in front of me, told me they went to eat together and had plans to go to brunch, and was shocked that I would be upset about it! He thought since he was being “open and honest” with me, that I should be happy he wasn’t being sneaky!

Meanwhile, he was still trying to have sex with me every night. Some nights I was weak and just needed to feel the comfort of his familiar arms holding me. It was so messed up, not to mention extremely confusing for me. My head knew he didn’t love me or what to be with me (and he told me that!) but my heart ached for our connection.

Thankfully, he moved out of our house 1.5 weeks ago., but he has moved back to his penthouse in the apartment building where 2 of his affair partners live. He has flaunted his relationship with his current affair partner in my face and it is devastating! Our children don’t know about his infidelity (except for our 27 year old), so the burden of carrying that secret, to protect THEM-not him!- is so heavy. I find myself literally feeling like I will BURST with all of the emotions I have going on inside of me. I go from being so furious and disgusted with him, to wanting to hear him tell me he made a terrible mistake and that he would do anything to come back home and try to work things out. The grief of losing a relationship that I thought would last forever, is unbearable. Knowing that he has someone to be with and never has to feel the devastation of loneliness that I am struggling with, makes it even worse.

How do you make it through the intense moments of loneliness? How do you stop the non-stop thoughts about them being intimate with other people? I feel like a crazy person just focusing on it all of the time. I know I need to distract myself, but I can hardly function in life. I am doing lots of therapy and working on myself. I just can’t stop spiraling!

I am so sorry, I just found out my narc husband wants to divorce me on whim today too. It is agonizing. The long history of fights, finally believing them, and then having the rug ripped out from under you. :(

I feel your pain. I was married 30 years to a narcissist who completely broke me. He took and took while only throwing me scraps. He took my self confidence and constantly nagged and belittled me while managing to convince me it was all my fault. I really could have cared less if I lived or died. Twenty years into the marriage he started binge drinking and became addicted to opioids. He lost 3 jobs and continued to spiral…still, I stayed until he started an affair with a much younger co worker. They were not discrete. Both did terrible things to torture me. I didn’t understand any of this behavior. I had always been a good wife and great mother. Everyday I was completely blown away at his behavior, I could not believe he was capable of treating me in such a terrible manner. I filed for divorce and left. Here I am almost 4 years later I still have terrible days. He took off to live in another state without looking back. I am taking care of his dogs he dumped and emotionally supporting our children and now grandchildren while working full time. I am a firm believer in karma but that bus has not hit him yet. Maybe never will.