Post Divorce - Boundaries with Ex & Do I change my name?
Finally divorced a controlling man after 23 years of marriage. I decided to buy the house and did not change my name yet.
I started dating and my new relationship has an issue with still having my married name and living in the marital home. My ex is always coming by and acting like it is his own house.
Any suggestions how to get the ex-husband from coming by unannounced with the kids during his custodial time to "get things" the kids forgot? Some days it could be up to 5 times. I want the kids to feel my house is their main house, but I am pretty sure my ex uses it to continue to monitor me. He also knows I am seeing someone and wants the kids to see it.
Also, any advice on changing back to my maiden name? I have been thinking about it but don't want to upset the kids and not sure how it impacts my work. I am also having an issue that my boyfriend has a problem having my married name. I don't think he should have a say.
Re: Post Divorce - Boundaries with Ex & Do I change my name?
Hi,
I'm sorry that you are having troubles with your ex.
One solution might be to change the locks on the house; and have a talk with him to lay down some ground rules.
Don't be afraid to be direct with him.
I don't think your new boyfriend gets any say in whether you change your last name or not. It's the name you share with your children.
Give some thought as to if you are with another controlling man. Why is he giving you trouble about your last name and living in YOUR home? I think you need to be direct with him also and shut that nonsense down. He doesn't get a say in those matters, its your business, he needs to fix his attitude or move on with himself.
Re: Post Divorce - Boundaries with Ex & Do I change my name?
Everyone has to do what is right for them as far as changing their name. My boyfriend also did not like me having my ex's last name. I think it reminded him of my ex. He never pressured me to change it but he always used my maiden name when referring to me (part of this is also because we knew each other before I was married and knew me by my maiden name). My parents were really the ones pressuring me to change my name. I talked to my kids about it before I did it and they were okay with it. It was a HUGE pain though and I am STILL finding things in my old name six months later. It has caused issues with flying, insurance, medical records, bills, credit cards and bank accounts. If you do decide to do it, just know there are a TON of things that it needs to be changed on and be prepared for the process to take weeks or months.
As far as the kids getting things- have them make lists of things they need to remember before they leave (mine do it on their phones) so it cuts down on the trips and definitely talk with your ex and set boundaries. My ex and I text each other if we have to stop by the other's house. We never go in each other's house- we send the kids in. Ultimately, you have to find something that works for you and your ex and both be comfortable with it.