Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated….
I have been with my husband for 39 years, married 34 of those…we started dating at 14 married at 18. He is my best friend and for years it was great, but then we both changed. He expects to be constantly waited on, and for years I gladly did that because I wanted to. But now it drives me absolutely crazy! We are now empty nesters and retired (together 24/7) and he cannot do anything alone, and I do mean anything, he constantly wants me with him, doing what he wants to do. He has isolated us from everyone. He has now been standing in the kitchen when I am cooking, telling me when I need to check or stir something on the stove. When I am driving which is almost always he tells me when to turn where to park, which way to go and if I go a different way or park in a different spot he gets mad. He pouts like a five year old when he doesn’t get his way. If I don’t help him work on something and it goes wrong, then he gets all upset and starts saying he just F’s every thing up and that it’s F’d up because I didn’t help. He has developed a very negative attitude that he never used to have. Doesn’t want to go do anything especially on holidays or in crowds because we could be caught in some random shooting or something. He has no clue to our finances, he says he wants to know but when I try to tell him where we are which is usually broke he doesn’t get it…he will take our last $5 and go buy a scratch off to try to get more…then I get to listen to him complain that he is hungry but there is nothing to eat because he blew the last of our money. He takes a large amount of medication for multiple health issues, but he has no idea what or when to take them. I am constantly in the middle of trying to enjoy my grandkids and him, he tries to pull my attention from them to him when we are with them. I have absolutely no one to talk to except my daughter and I don’t want to put this on her. Our sexual life was always very active, but because of medical reasons he can no longer perform for me, but he can do what men do for themselves. Problem is, he can’t do that without me either and I am sick and tired of helping him get off for the last eight years….so as I stated I still and will always love him but I also can’t stand being around him anymore, I am so tired and done, I want to leave, but so hard to do with so much invested, I can’t even picture starting over at 53. Am thinking of taking a “vacation” from the marriage, I can only afford a few weeks…but hoping that may give me some clarity….also he has some mental issues so suicide is a real concern and he has the medication to do that…that is a large concern for me…especially since we lost our son-in-law to suicide while serving overseas…any thoughts again would be greatly appreciated!!
Re: I still love him, but can’t stand him anymore….
Wow that's unbelievable,it says alotta about you that you won't leave Even though you know you should but I think that's something alotta of people have to deal with I would love to hear about your personal struggles and how you seem to remain so strong it's truly amazing this story really touched me,it really made me feel your hardships anytime you want to share talk or just need to vent you can talk to me,this sounds silly but I grew up with three sisters so I know having someone to listen sometimes can be a big first step shoot me a text if you ever need a friend or someone to share with seriously 404 468 5826 ....
Re: I still love him, but can’t stand him anymore….
Hi,
I'm sorry that you are in this situation.
Alot of it sounds similar to my ex-.
I would recommend counseling for yourself to learn strategies and how to set boundaries. My ex- was whiney, needy, blamed me if things went wrong, lasted out, etc.
My therapist helped me change my reactions and choices; and in his words, "stop being a doormat."
Learn to say "no" to him, ignore him when he complains and nags you, make choices that are good for you.
I would start by taking control of your life and your choices. Go see your grandchildren at their house. If he wants to come, tell him "no" and tell him why. Be very matter of fact, don't make it a discussion or argument- don't engage in negativity with him- just tell him and then go.
It's hard to change the dynamic of a relationship, but I encourage you to claim your power in this relationship and stop doing for him like he's your child.