I know this is a woman's page and I am sorry if I am offending anyone. If I am offending anyone I will respect you and leave the page. I will understand if my post gets deleted. I tried some of the male pages and even reddit.

Me and my wife separated yesterday and I am hurting in a way I didn't know I could. We have been working on things more the past year but we were slowing getting worse somehow. I went to my daughters house and she is at work and my alone time is twisting my head around. I feel like a horrible person and I have made her measurable for 28 years. I know I never did anything truly wrong to her but the feeling is still there. I know I could have been better and more supportive in many ways. I always thought I was doing the right thing but I missed some obvious ways I could have been better. I don't have ill feeling towards her and she is an incredible person. She was the first one to offer help to anyone she could.

I was immature early on by keeping my feeling locked up. My therapist said I had a hard child hood but I guess with selective memory I only remember the good. I have pushed though life and when I met my wife somehow I didn't feel like I was struggling anymore. I was happy the next 28 year and we raised a great lady. Just putting this out is making me emotional and may be helping in its own way. I don't know what to do and I feel lost. My mind is my worst enemy. The slack time over the past few months after an argument is killing me and now we may truly be done. I am just having a hard time coming to terms that I am unwanted. I was never perfect but I never did anything bad either. I have a feeling of being thrown away. I want her to be happy even if it is not with me. I loved her more than I probably ever would be able to show her.

I am sorry for rambling, I don't know how to express myself right now.

OMG don’t go to a strip club or go to online sites you’ll just get scammed. So sorry your wife and you are separated. I think everyone on this site knows to well the feeling like we are “unwanted”, “alone”, etc. Maybe you need a different therapist. What good is it to drudge up bad memories from your childhood? So many of us have gone through difficult childhoods and wish we could only remember the good times. Truly. We’re only on this earth for a lifetime and right now is the only time we’re living, right? It sounds like you’re feeling very lonely, but it wouldn’t be wise to seek out another woman’s attention right away. Is there something you enjoy like playing Chess - join a group at the library or singing - Karaoke people are fun, dancing - take a group Dance class. Idk if that helps, but if you need a therapist search for one to help you move forward. You’re probably an amazing soul and just remember over 50 percent of marriages do end up in divorce. If you read through posts on here a lot are at or past the 20 year mark. That’s not a “failure”that’s a “gave it your all”. This feeling of loneliness - this too soon shall pass…

Thank you for your advice, I really do appreciate it. I never understood the point of a strip club and I don't think I would ever do a dating site. I am in no shape mentality to consider dating anyone or jump into anything. I have to get me right in the head first.

Going to sleep is the worst. I have tried thinking of balloons taking my worries away or a boat sailing off with them. Just trying to visualize something peaceful as I try to go to sleep. I always circle back to what if I was just a little more considerate. What if I could have listened a little more or have been a little more thoughtful.

If anyone has any advice on how to get to sleep without the dark thoughts creeping in, I would love to hear them.

I started to fail as a husband when I got too comfortable or took her for granted. I can look back and say I should have been better. We went though some money issues and I ended up working more to make up what we lost. I see it as it put more distance between us when I should have accepted the money loss and put us first. We could have struggled together instead of less time together. My thought was more about the future and less of right now. My dream would be us sitting drinking coffee together watching the sunrise as we got older.

I got better as time went but it was a little to late. I would tell her how great she looks in those pants or how that shirt makes your eyes stand out. That is a great outfit on you. I tried to change how I talked or the positions I would take when we would discuss things. It took me a long time to realize that I might be standing and she was sitting, so I would sit to make her more comfortable. Just change small things I should have already known as an adult or a decent person. She changed me for the better in so many ways. I will take and accept the blame of taking to long to truly cherish her. We both had faults but I want to own up to mine to be a better person.

I don't put any blame on her. I can only be responsible for my short comings. Neither one of us did anything truly wrong to the other. I still love her and i hope she finds happiness with or without me.

I have been trying to keep out of my own head by playing little games on my phone. I think today I am going to pick a park and go for a walk while listing to a book.

Hi Rob,

I am very sorry that you are going through this.

Give it some time, is she willing/interested in working on your relationship. Would she go to couples counseling together?

Your marriage might be ending, but that doesn't mean your relationship is over. My ex-husband and I have been divorced for six years and he is now my best friend. We are not romantic/intimate, but we see each other a couple times a week, still spend family time together with our adult children. Actually, tonight we are planning dinner and a game night with our adult son. We are getting along much better now.

I know its a hard change, but you're strong and you can do it. Find your friends, do things for yourself. Let yourself feel the way you feel, it doesn't always feel good, but you'll get to the other side of it!

Best of luck,
Kelly

Thank you
We are talking about working though things but though a family member.

I am so twisted up that I don't know if I should share my feelings because I don't want them coming off as manipulative. I just am at a loss and don't know what I should do.

You could try ear pods and listening to hypnosis/meditation YouTubes at night to help you sleep. Don’t blame yourself for feeling “too comfortable” in your marriage. I mean shouldn’t that be a given that people feel comfortable and at ease with their spouse?

“My dream would be us sitting drinking coffee together watching the sunrise as we got older.” (I think a lot of people getting divorced dream of that sort of ideal life).

I think the walk at a nice park is a great idea. Day by day it will get better. It’ll be okay.

Thank you.
That is a really good idea. I think i will try watching youtube about meditation. Maybe meditation will help me clear my head

I truly appreciate the advice I have been getting.

I am so glad that you posted on this womens site. Reading your post is like listening to my own husband. We have been married 19 years and I am the one wanting to separate/divorce. Ours is a similar story, except that I am the one putting in the extra hours at work.

I am racked with guilt over wanting to put an end to things. I am sure that both of you have made every effort to work things out, but she obviously doesn't feel the same way. I am so sorry for this. Its sort of how I feel in my own relationship. He keeps trying, but its never enough. There are many reasons. The one thing I can say is that you still have hope. She has asked for separation - she has not filed for divorce.

So, since I do not know you and have no idea what the history in your relationship is, I cannot tell you what to do. However, I can share what I wish for in my "failed marriage" and hopefully one or two things resonate with you.

1. I wish he took better care of himself:
When my husband has been involved in a sport or physical activity or any form of regular exercise he has been more attractive. I'm not sure what it is, but maybe its a primal thing. By taking care of himself physically I am less anxious about him getting age-related illnesses. Also, his mood is always better when he's exercising regularly. If it's walking, sometimes I can join. If its a sport, then I can join socially. I enjoy being his "cheerleader" on the sidelines. But, whatever it is, it affords me a sense of pride in him. I can tell my friends and family about how he is getting fitter or healthier. Right now, he isn't doing anything for himself. He has many excuses: financial, safety, time, etc. At the end of the day, why should I invest my time, energy and emotion into a man who doesn't feel the need need to invest in himself?

2. At this stage of the game, actions, not words, make a difference:
My husband also started to complement me on how I looked and told me how he wanted to be more supportive. He started doing nice things, like bringing me a cup of coffee in the morning, or even making breakfast. He would take over chores so that I have more time to myself. But, then I would just be alone with nothing to do. I would rather he just helped me with the dishes, or helped me make breakfast, or even asked me to go for a walk with him. I wanted him to engage with me more. Actually take an interest. That means doing things with me. However, what actually happens is that he gets overwhelmed when we start talking, actually talking. We have grown apart over the years. I feel like he doesn't want to get involved in some parts of my life - he is aloof with my family and friends. I think this is one of the biggest reasons I want to break up. After 20 years he still thinks of my family as my family, not his. He still thinks of my friends as my friends, not his. He doesn't seem to have any interest in doing things with my family and friends. He does. But only because I say I want him to be there. Sorry, that's not enough. I have realized that he loves me, but, outside of our children, he is not involved in my life. So, as much as he tells me he loves me and wants to be a part of my life, I am not seeing how he is doing that.

3. I want to feel secure and safe:
I want to know that, no matter what, he is never going to put us in a situation that will threaten our safety or security. I don't mind being poor. But be open and honest about not having money. He is struggling financially and has leaned on me. I have been working extra hours to help with the promise that things are getting better on his side. But they have not. He kept things from me until it was serious and I needed to make a plan quick to make sure the bond is paid, our electricity and water stays connected, etc. I get its a pride thing. But at the end of the day we are supposed to be a team. Now we are drowning in debt. If we had made adjustments and plans together sooner, then maybe it would have been different. Maybe we would be in the same boat. But we would have walked that path together, making decisions together, rather than the panic and disappointment and broken trust that exists now.

4. Celebrate the small things:
I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a date with my husband. He is always stressed. He is always feeling like he needs to make some big or grand gesture. I wish he would just take joy in the simple things. Memories are powerful. Growing up with someone - there is a lot that you go through. So many small things to be commemorated and remembered. If he just celebrated those things - like returning to have coffee near the place where we had our first kiss, or going to walk down the street where we had our first house, etc... recalling how we felt then and the feelings we have now about those things. It is easier to make new memories, and be purposeful about it, if the old memories are important and recalled often. We have never been very good at making a fuss about an event or occasion. I was always big into wanting to take photos, but it was always such a fuss to him. Now we don't have much. I guess its true that the future is built on the strength of your past. I feel like if we had celebrated more "small things" that our current relationship would be stronger.

I hope things have improved for you over the last month. I really do. The other people have given good advice: seek counsel, listen to music/meditation to help with sleeping, don't go to a strip club!

I can honestly say that if my husband were to spend less time fussing over me and his "failures" and more time building himself into a healthy, balanced individual, who makes time for his kids, family and friends, he would be a far more attractive man. Go spend your energy on creating a life that YOU are happy in and, hopefully, she will find the man she first fell in love with, again. If she still doesn't want you back, then she will surely respect you for showing her, and your kids, that she may have made you want to be a better man, but that, after all this time, you can be a better man all on your own.