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Plumbers - Paying The Piper

I suppose everyone has had to employ a plumber at some time or other but it seems to me that in the past twenty years I have had more call for their services than ever.

In the past thirty years plumbers have seen an explosion of central heating and appliances that have kept them in constant demand. Unfortunately, not all of those tradesmen are up to the job. Some of them are simply cowboys and would be better off exchanging their pipe wrenches for branding irons. I recommend they all use the Bar-X brand as any letter with a curve in it would be beyond them.

Don't get me wrong, I've been well served by highly skilled and professional tradesmen, but as with life so with plumbers, one only remembers the chaps who leave you with an unreasonably large bill and a botched installation which, as long as it exists, serves as a memento of their visit.

One such rider of the purple sage was a local plumber, a young man with an Italian name and, I suspect, French plumbing qualifications. To be fair, it wasn't entirely his fault as he was working in a house that was built the year that WWI ended, and so the plumbing system was outmoded before Thomas Crapper had even been potty trained.

That said, he managed to drop a hammer into the new toilet pan and shatter it. Obviously a another pan was required, and I had to pay for it as I knew instinctively that had I charged him he would have done a runner, thus leaving us with a mess and a vacancy for a plumber. Every time I went up to see how he was getting on he had broken something else or a nut had sheared. He claimed to have served his apprenticeship with Liverpool City Council but I can only think that he had been seconded to Vandals R Us.

His depredations meant that my wife, who, like most women, is weirdly fastidious, refused to use the upstairs toilet until another plumber righted it. I couldn't understand her attitude because, let's face it, she married a drip, at least where judging plumbers was concerned. Women are strange creatures in that they manage to clean up a baby's mess without turning a hair, but let them see a near infinitesimal stain on the bathroom floor and they go absolutely ballistic.

I was glad to see the back of Super Mario because after two days of his mishaps/vandalism I had grown terrified that he would puncture the central heating pipes so lovingly and excellently installed by a real plumber. I have, unfortunately, bumped into the bathroom bodger several times since and he always avoids eye contact, or perhaps he's hopelessly short sighted, which would explain a few things.

Lately we have made several changes to our home, including the installation of a new replacement shower that takes advantage of an also new, all singing, all dancing, state-of the-art boiler system. Now, I have rarely been able to ask for estimates from different tradesmen as I always feel guilty when I have to disregard the unwanted tenders. So it was that when I met our latest plumber, a young man called,Mike Roberts, I simply accepted his estimate and boy, I am glad I did!

From the outset his approach was different as he wore a suit and tie while surveying the bathroom. With his short hair, steel rimmed glasses and determined expression he looked more like a CIA operative than a plumber, but with a more reliable intelligence than the boys from Langley.

He is a rather taciturn, at times dour young man, preferring to work rather than talk, and how he worked. Quietly insistent he persuaded us to install chrome pipe work, which not only complemented the shower-head etc., but satisfied his need to create an aesthetic appeal in his work.

As, at intervals, I delivered him fruit tea, which exotic and most un-plumber-like item he had brought with him, I saw our shower taking place as if watching a photo lapse on a plumber's training video.
First he tiled the walls and floor with a studied concentration worthy of a NASA engineer installing a heat shield on a Shuttle spacecraft. Then he fitted the gleaming pipe-work with such precision that he could well have been renovating the great organ in the Anglican Cathedral.

However, while my sights were set on the gleaming edifice in the corner of our bathroom Mike, down to earth as ever was busy ensuring that our bathroom was tidier than when he left it. Not only had he left everything clean and gleaming, after first removing his tool-boxes, so numerous that they would have served as an insurmountable barricade at the Battle of Rourke's Drift; he had also fitted new heated towel rails/holders,mirrors, various wall cabinets and shelves (supplied by me) at no extra cost.

Of course I find showers quick and convenient most of the time, but given the choice I'm basically a hot bath man myself. So on those occasions I lie soaking in my own effluvia, a method of bathing that drives the Japanese wild with disgust, I cannot help but glance admiringly at the shining result of Mike's hardworking and honest endeavour.

It shouldn't surprise us to know that he is this year departing for the Everest base camp in aid of the British Heart Foundation. Well done Mike, you've redeemed a whole raft of plumbers.

Peter

Where are you from? England