As an elite parent of kids with elite dna, I have become accustomed to certain perks and privileges. For example, private team only locker rooms and entrances so junior doesn’t have to drag bags in with the likes the common children. Early contracts and free tuition make tryouts a breeze. And individualized private lessons keep the skills honed.

As other elite parents will attest to, single malt is the only thing that gets served in the lot after wins. Double reinforced yoga pants keeps the moms bums just a little bit tighter a little bit longer. And our imminent admission into the best preps schools in the state undoubtedly will protect and only continue our elite lineage for generations to come.

My question is this? Why should the elite have to deal with unelite riff-raf threads on the dboard. I feel like elite parents deserve their own elite section on the dboard and it’s been a long time coming.

That way, I don’t waste my elite time having to hear about unelite things. Like tryouts (poor suckers) or any mention of a team with a precious metal or direction after their name. Anything about arm pit places like Hartford or Springfield. No need to waste my time on anyone talking about a league that has a number or “L” at the end. Any mention in of mass skills sessions. Or summer teams not invited to the q.

Honestly, the dboard is the only place I am forced to interact with the masses of regular peons and I for one have had it up to here. Elite parents need a place for elite talk.

Let’s go dboard admin, cater to your core crowd and open an elite dboard section for me and my privileged brethren. Individuals should be required to have an ehf elite contract to post. If your kid gets cut then so do you. Anything less is uncivilized. Make it happen now before I am contaminated any further.

Dear Elite parent,

You may not want to hear this ugly truth, but your bender is not the best, he is only elite. The best of the best are exceptional, and your bender is not exceptional. I know this because you still hang out with other elite parents and snub your nose at the kids and families in lower tiers. The exceptional dads are lone wolfs and they mostly stick to themselves and don't congregate with you because they are on such another level, that you are beneath them.

They don't sneer at you or talk down to you because there's no point. You will be nothing but dust in the rearview mirror to them in a very short amount of time. They don't loathe you like you loathe those beneath you. They just pity you, which is far worse. They don't talk about your kid, they don't notice the few plays they make because their kid's worst shift a game is still better than your elite player's best in a month.

These parents are the ones who are begged to come to the team and they don't sign until they see at least some of the elites that their exceptional player will have to carry. Summer and other tournament teams are built around these players while yours is just filling out the roster.

There is no reason to have a best of the best section on the dboard because those families don't bother with it. There is nothing in here they don't know or even care about.

These parents don't drink single malt in the parking lot with you. They drink Champagne out of championship trophies. You would know that if your bender were exceptional, but you don't because your player is not.

Sorry your reality just got shattered.