So I've gotten lots of new useless info these past few days from how his lawyer is playing games all the way to how supportive he is helping his girlfriend with a booth she has at a big fair we have every year in MA and how he is talking about building a home for them on the land that was gifted to us for our wedding. I have been crying so much the past few days after doing so well for stretch of time. I am so angry that this is where he's at right now while I feel drained and like I'm going insane. He never once came to an event that I needed support at for work in the 6 years we were together. I guess I just don't think he deserves to be happy after playing games with me and this divorce and never being there for me. I know I shouldn't let his current life effect me but it hurts so much to see this girl walk on and reap the benefits of all my time with this man. She gets to come in just as he gets a new job because of me. She gets an educated man because I supported him so he could go back to school. She gets the man who now is willing to do things for her without being so selfish because she's the new exciting thing since sliced bread. And me....I'm struggling to get past it all and to try and remember that I did deserve more. I guess I just hate that I feel like I'm a druggie that relapsed hard core. My body feels drained and I just can't "get over it" like people tell me I should.

This is me. I swing from strength to weakness faster than you can imagine. I think it is normal. I think it is harder for us because they move on, we get left behind. I know for me this isn't my choice. I chose to be married and faithful. I wanted to talk always while he was a man who once gave me the silent treatment for 2 months straight. If you haven't ever experienced it feels like you are a ghost that no one will acknowledge. It does hurt that they moved on and are happy but maybe we just don't know what our happy is yet. I pray daily that I will enjoy my peace. No one comes home and tells me all the ways I am not good enough. No one makes me feel bad about how I look. No one stays out until 4am without even calling doing whatever with whoever and asks me to believe they are innocent. They hurt us when they were with us. We need to be relieved that part is over at least. We will still get hurt but maybe not daily.

It's ok Alynn really it's ok.
These feelings you are feeling are justified! I went thru them as well.

It's like a building blocks you are building a foundation for your self working thru this stage will make the next feelings that you go thru much easier or smoother. You can't push things off that you feel...

Praying about them really does help. It states you are human, you are in need of help, And he is more than willing to help.

Yes it looks like he is getting all that he wants. Maybe right now, in the end he will get what is coming to him. You may never know when he does. Just don't wait around to find out. In due time you will know.

I feel like all that I asked of him. he is now doing with the ow. What ever. I don't want him, I don't care what he does as long as he does what he should do by the divorce decree.

I don't want anything to do with him. i am suppose to be able to take the boat out any time but he is going to give me grief. I'm not going to even ask because I don't want to have anything to do with him.

we have all been where you are at one time. know that it's ok.....

time will pass and you will feel better.

Libby

Dear alynn, I think it is really difficult because it confirms the OW in this situation. It takes times to recover from such betrayal. Let yourself have the time. If the property was gifted to both of you for your wedding shouldn't it be half yours? He is not a different man. He will drop the pretty wrapping all to soon and the real him will shine through. Think about what she is getting. She is getting a selfish, lieing, cheating man. Think about what you are getting arid of the same. You have to wonder what he has told her about all of this. She might just be as nice as you are and being really deceived by this terrible man. Just bide your time and Karma always comes calling. The odds are he will blow this and most likely at some point lose his job if he stays true to form. Just be good to yourself and it will soon get easier and easier. Try and not stay home alone tonight. Maybe have dinner with that nice gentleman friend. Our thoughts and prayers go with you.

Alynn: I'm with Kathleen on this one. I may have written this before, but my Lawyer told me not to concern myself with what he is doing in his personal life (OW in this case). Let this guy go and I hope when more time passes you can begin to enjoy your life. If you have friends who recognize it is going to take a little time for you to feel better, then, I would associate with them.

Alynn,
Anyone with a heart goes through this. I still do from time to time. I have to constantly remind myself that his life is none of my business. She got the sheep in wolves clothing. He will lie to her and most likely cheat on her as well. Leopards don't change their spots. Right now your alone and feeling lonely. But I bet it's not really for him.

I too am lonely and alone. I have no kids, I just had him. But it's not him that I want anymore. And its a huge waste of time for me to wait around for him to "GET HIS" it may never come.

So just give yourself a hug and be patient.

You have all nailed him on the head and me too. I have no kids and although I'm greatful we aren't connected in life that way it breaks my heart that I was wanting kids while he was planning to cheat and leave. I am lonely but not for him. I do not miss the fear I had of him or of any of his actions or words to me. I don't miss supporting an unappreciative jerk that can't bring himself to drive me to the ER. (Hope the new girl never gets sick). I also do not want to bring anyone new in for a relationship because the betrayal is too fresh in my mind and heart. My friends and family are enough right now. I know I have to let go of his current life without me but it just hurts that I'm in such a dark place because of him while he is moving right along without a care. I know time will heal...I just feel bad that its always us good faithful people that have to deal with the most. I even feel bad when his honeymoon with the ow ends and she'll see the man she probably doesn't deserve to deal with either.

This may not make any sense.....

It hurts because you care, you where invested into the relationship, you where abandoned, and betrayed.

It is going to hurt.... you will get thru it tho.... you will.

I have a story if you look it up. I don't want to tell it again for ones that already heard it.

I have made progress. you will too!!!!

Libby

I feel like I can't wait around for karma in his new relationship because it takes too long. We were together 18 years. The first 14 were very happy with little conflict. I cannot wait 14 years for him to treat her the same. I need to live my life. They might live happily for a very long time before they screw each other over and he might actually mature in that time and change. Either way our time is over. Like everyone said I don't miss him. I miss what our life was supposed to be. I miss the dream, the promises. What it once was. I don't miss the end. The end was a soul killing time.

Twins Plus One...so funny how some people come along on this site that from the first post I know we are kindred spirits. I knew from your first post that you really get me and I know I really get you. Over and over you write exactly what I am thinking or what I went through. I have said it before and I will say it again...stay here with us!!! I love your posts.

Now, like I have said before, because it is my truth...I believe we each are here for a reason. We dont get to know in this life why we are here and it could be for a reason we could never imagine like it could be we are here to touch just one other life and we could even do that without knowing it. So, you are here to follow your own path created by God. Your x has his own path. That is all. Fairness is irrelevant. Dont try to understand the supernatural. It cant be understood. TMI that only God is privy to. I do believe in Karma but I also believe that the karma may not come during our lifetime...it could come in the after life. Alls we can do is have faith and let it go and trust God to handle our X's.

This is forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves so we can move on. Its not for the x. Its acceptance and letting go. Say the Lords prayer over and over.

The recipe that has helped me to make it to the other side...

Read "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle to learn to live in the "now" and let go of the past and not worry about the future.

Watch Joel Olsteen on Sunday mornings (on online) for inspirational messages.

Have ZERO communication with your x.

Post on this web site.

Seek revenge in the form of being determined to have a great life without him!

Forgive him and let it go and make each day great!

I personally had to go on antidepressants (Pristiq) for a year to help me not "fall into the deep dark hole". I havent needed pharmaceutical help ever since. I had to get help because I lost over 60 pounds and I was scared. I gained my weight back but got carried away and gained 37 pounds over my ideal weight so I started weight watchers the end of May. I have lost 25lbs and have 12 to go! I should have it off by Thanksgiving!!!

The best part is I am losing the weight out of wanting to take good care of myself and not cause I am traumatized. Doesnt hurt to want to look hot for whenever my x sees me too!

I have zero contact with the stbx...other than through our lawyers. I think I just liked the idea of not knowing for sure what he was up to and not only finding about his current life but yo find our that he cheated during ours when we were together makes me look at him in an even worse way than I already did. Guess I've got a lot of work to do...and the only work that includes him is getting this legally done...everything else is work for myself and my own health. Thank you ladies for all you bring to light.

Enlighted anyone who says kindred spirit must have read Anne of Green Gables as a child. I was a complete Anne junkie. Even used to spell my middle name that way while my mom would swear she gave me no E. She has no imagination I also am a Joel watcher and reader. Have his book on audio so I can listen on ipod. He had this one story about a village that was getting sick from their water. It had always been a good source of nourishment. They traced up the river until they found that there were dead pigs in the water way up. Sometimes you have to figure out what dead pig is polluting your water, like your ex and remove it. Gross story but it fits. I am also sure my guy cheated and he is with her now saying they just met. But why are you dating 2 months after breakup. Because you are lying. He is furious that he has to pay for kids. Too bad. Right now because he lost in court he is the one on the defensive and I like that. I like him feeling that he can't control everything for once. Enlightened is right. Try for as little contact as possible. If you might get sick or die from a food allergy you wouldn't keep eating the food. He is hurting you, limit the exposure.

Twins...I never read Annie of Green Gables but I am so glad to hear someone else loving Joel Osteen!!! I am Jewish so I skip over the beginning and end of his sermans where he says, "In Jesus name" but other than that I take in every word. I watch him religiously...lol. Did you watch his last serman? He talked about how our thoughts and beliefs are created by the messages others give us and just like a computer we can hit the "delete" button for every negative message we hear.

After spending 25 yrs with a spouse who made it his life goal to murder my soul with his verbal/emotional abuse it took me a long time to learn that just cause he says it is so doesnt make it so.

I could swear that Joels sermans are created just for me. Each week he seems to set me straight about whatever is most bothering me.

Like, the week before, he spoke about not depending on others for approval. I have this really nice boyfriend but he just doesnt tell me specifically why he loves me enough. I am positive that for most any other woman they would think he is above average in this area but for me I want more. It comes from being starved of this kind of verbal affirmation with my x. I was on the phone with my boyfriend and he said he loved me. I said, "tell me why" like I usually do. This drives my boyfriend nuts and I feel cheated cause he wont do it at the level I want. I hung up the phone and watched Joel. I swear his serman that day was all about not needing others to tell us how great we are. I couldnt believe he was talking to me again.

It is cause of Joel and Eckhart Tolle (and of course other influences) that I do see the world like I do and why I tell people to not worry about what their x is doing and to just follow their own path and let God handle the rest.

Eckhart Tolle has a story in his book " A New Earth" where he talks about 2 monks who are walking down the street and come accross an old lady who needed help crossing the street so one monk carries her accross which is against the monk rules. They continue walking for about 5 more miles and the monk who didnt hlep the old lady expressed his displeasure at the other monk for breaking the rules. The monk who helped said, "Are you still carrying that old woman? I put her down 5 miles ago". I love that cause it is all about letting go of the past and not carrying with us old baggage.

I love your food allergy analogy!

I have no contact but I actually learned about the girlfriend and their plans because his best friend accidentally called me during a conversation and it was on my voicemail. I then looked back at old evidence I had and put some pieces together to find that my instincts of his cheating over a year ago were right. I blocked his friend's number so I can try to avoid these things from happening again and only deal with the necessary court stuff which is too much for me already.

Alynn & Deidre,
Welcome to my past life. I found out my EX cheated on me 3x's! How did I find out? When I was forced to pack his crap, I found Pictures and letters that my EX kept like trophies. Made me physically ill.

My arms are stretched for both of you. But know the second chapter of your lives without them are going to be BEST SELLERS!

Hugs

Oh, Alynn, have I ever been where you are.

I realized that WK (my ex) was only doing these "special" things for the Beast because he was desperately trying to validate their "new" relationship. Turns out that he'd been seeing her for almost 3 months by the time I found out...and less than two days after I left, he'd moved her and a lot of her crap in. Though he still insists to this day that it was "all her idea".

Dear Deirdre, What a lame excuse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sounds like something WK would say. He could have said NO! He lost so much when he lost you. Look at him now. He is pathetic!

I remember, back when the divorce was new, looking at on line dating sites to see if my x was on them and of course he was...signed up within a few days after he moved out. He wasted no time. Anyways, his profile was a load of crap. He is such a lier. He even said he was open to having more kids...he had a vasectomy. I know that can be interpreted different ways but the way the question was and how he answered it made it obvious he wanted women to think he could still have kids like with his sperm.

How do you get past the idea that these men moved on so fast. The pillow next to my stbx wasn't even cold...in fact it wasn't even free of my head yet and he was securing another woman...I guess I just feel like I wasn't even given a thought because I was so disposeable to him once he had the prospect of other women. My therapist and I believe he has antisocial personality disorder so I never stood a chance with a man like him anyway and in hindsight my relationship followed the exact pattern of one with an aspd person. I don't want that life back with him but I just don't know why I'm so sad about the other stuff and I try not yo but I think about him and the ow all the time! I'm back to feeling sick to my stomach about so many things that I thought I was moving on from.

Hi, I am also having such a hard time accepting the fact my ex had a gf so fast after we separated. He was bringing my son around her and I had no idea. He lied straight to my face about it. Even though it’s for the best that we’re not together I still feel like I could throw up thinking about him with her. I hate that he’s got this “other life” and he plays house with MY kids. He treats me like dirt and he was horrible to me for 10 years. I just hate it all so much. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through :(