As I stood in the kitchen staring at the microwave, waiting for my pizza to heat up, I heard a familiar song. All of a sudden I felt as if the ground beneath me started trembling, I thought that there was nowhere else to go once you hit rock bottom. Oh boy, I couldn’t have been more wrong. In an instant, there I was, with my knees shaking and gut wrenching pain that cut much deeper than rock bottom.
The reality of the unbearable truth that my family is broken was absolute. My daughter has lost 4 teeth by now and I’ve only been there once. It hurts me to the marrow of my bones when I think just how many other things I’ll miss of my children’s lives?
All I wanted to do was shout, I want my family back together...
I’m exhausted of living and having everything on part time bases in my life! Everything!
I remember those feelings. The realization that what you had is truly gone and irreparable. Life becomes surreal for a time, like you’re walking through someone else’s storyline not recognizing it as your own. And there’s no words to describe the degree of hurt you feel.
When I realized I was going to lose my kids 50% of the time I was frantic to try to fix the marriage. I didn’t want to live a life of not getting to hear their voices every day, see their faces every day, be there to watch them grow and change each and every day. It was more painful than words can say.
It took me about two years to learn to accept it. It’s still painful, but I focus hard on my kids while I have them and we have built very strong relationships. I use the weeks between to catch up on things, live a little of my own life (boyfriend, gym, work goals, friends) and plan my time with the kids for when we’re together again. It was tough, very tough to get here, but things are honestly better now. I’ve learned to focus on what I’ve got, to count my blessings in every way because what you focus on, you get more of.