Hello all
I’ve been married 20 years. He’s never been super affectionate or romantic but he was my rock. Ten years ago I came home and he had left a note on the table saying he loved me but wasn’t in love with me. All his things were gone. I was getting my masters degree at the time and he felt neglected and was going to a strip joint the nights I was in class and was texting a stripper. We were separated a month and he moved back in. We attended marriage counseling and things were better and we both were invested in our reconciliation. As time passed our sex life dwindled. I suggested a sex schedule, visiting a dr., talking about how sexual intimacy connects a couple. He suffers from ED and said his sexual drive wasn’t as strong as mine. He also started being jealous of me and things that were important to me. Three years ago I decided to look into a doctorate program and he was not supportive. One night he flipped out and physically assaulted me and left bruises on my arms. He poured his drink on my head. I was shaking and told him to leave. He told me I was being selfish for wanting to pursue another degree and that would soak up all my free time to do things with him. I should’ve left but I stayed. He continued to change. Yelling and calling me names when he got mad. Things like ***** and *****. I lost feelings for him. I grew up with a physically and verbally abusive father and told him I didn’t feel safe anymore. He denied acting like my father. I pulled away and started feeling detached. I imagined life apart. He pushed me on two subsequent occasions. I moved out after Thanksgiving when he told me he hoped I hit a barrier on my way home from visiting my mom. I was tired of the disrespect. As soon as I moved out he promised to change if I came back. That my leaving was an “epiphany “. He texted and emailed constantly and would be nice if I was nice to him and mean if I ignored him. I filed for divorce 2 months ago because I was tired of the drama. He cannot accept this divorce and is BEGGING for ONE more chance. Saying he will go to counseling and he realized he just has extreme insecurity with me because I’m beautiful and intelligent and felt he never could measure up to me. He said he didn’t know why he didn’t listen to me but he’s willing to do anything to show me he can change. I’ve been unwavering through this separation but now I’m wondering if I should give him one last chance. I’m so stressed because he could change and life might be great with him but what if he doesn’t and I’m right back where I was. I don’t know why I’m letting him make me feel so guilty for telling him no. We did have good times too. But the bad times were bad even though he insists he acted that way only because he felt me pulling away and it drove him crazy. Please offer any insight and advice. There are days I feel so optimistic about my future life without him and days I wonder if I’m making a mistake.

July: Sounds like my situation. My ex, I found out from a neighbor who went, was a frequent customer at Hooters (right around the corner from work) and at strip clubs where he had an opportunity to meet, and did, the strippers backstage. Now, I am o.k. with guys going to a club as part of a Bachelor Party, guys night out, etc., but this was on a regular basis and he went alone. I feel this is disrespectful to a wife. He also called me names a few times and was never comfortable with any real affection. I was home alone every night until at least 9, 10 or midnight from the start of the marriage (21 yrs.). I wish I had left the marriage earlier, but I had nowhere to go (long story). He also made a special trip to a public place to assault me. I told my Lawyer I feel sorry for his girlfriend who he got before the court date when we were still legally married. He moved two hours from her for a job and only sees her on weekends so she's being neglected, too, but maybe that's all she wants - just hope he doesn't hit her. We are better off without these guys! Best wishes to you.

Thank you for your response!
Much appreciated. I wish you the best. ❤️

Hi,

I am so sorry to hear your situation. His behaviors sound like emotional abuse at a minimum. My husband is emotionally abusive and manipulative and I discovered a really great set of videos that help me understand the behavior and identify the mind games rather than feeling guilty. Might I suggest watching some of Stephanie Lynn's videos on youtube?

youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAm2Q5XaKAkHSK-SZStujVg

Bets of luck to you,
Courtney

Thank you, Courtney! I will watch those videos.

I am sad to hear what you have gone through. Sounds very much like my marriage of 18 years. We are in the process of divorce now. I am getting stronger and healthier each day and able to pursue my true path. A real man would celebrate your successes. Narcissists are not marriage material and do not have the capability to experience true love. As hard as it is to make the final break, it is a necessary step for your wellbeing. Men like this do not change much. They only change for short periods of times to control. This is definitely abuse, verbal and physical. It does not matter what reasons he is claiming to justify abuse, these are issues this man needs to work our on his own. The guilt is his power over you to keep you under his control. My husband refused to move out after he destroyed a hotel room because he was drunk and I merely wanted to leave the room for a while until he could sober up. I filed for divorce after that. He continued the push and pull routine until I finally had to say enough. I found out later he was seeking women online, strip clubs, and escorts. Messed up and a troubled soul. He finally moved out but took on a girlfriend right away, moved in with her, and then got engaged just a few months into the relationship. We are still married and have kids so this is hard to explain to children about morality.
If you feel you deserve better, you do. You sound so smart and deserve a man that is capable of love.
My counselor recommended “disarming a narcissist” It helped me understand the true illness these men possess.
Praying for your new journey to begin. I wake up every day grateful that I am not having to deal with him anymore. Life is more peaceful and I can pursue my interest.
All the best to you! Life begins today:-)

Thank you so much for your message, Ridge.
He is definitely a narcissist. It took me awhile to realize that. I know I did all I could to strengthen our marriage but it takes two. And I agree that he would only change for a while and then go back to his controlling ways.
Today is our 23rd wedding anniversary and our divorce should be final in 10 days. It will be such a relief. It's been such a rollercoaster.
Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you much peace and happiness. You sound like a smart and strong woman. I know it's not easy but yes we have to do what is best for our well being. We only have one life. And marriage should be our safe haven. Our husbands should be our protectors. We deserve nothing less. You're right...life begins today. ❤️

I will be thinking about you over these next two weeks. I am sure there will be many emotions colliding at one time. Here is to your new life! So excited for you. My Mom said she never understood how people would celebrate their divorce until she has walked alongside me in my divorce. She is now waiting to celebrate with me. I thought about a license plate...Free2BMe I don’t mean that in a self absorbed way but that I can now let my gifts be used for something other than trying to keep a narcissist happy, which is never possible I have learned. Definition of insanity:-)

Keep in touch on your journey. I look forward to hearing about your new adventures and what awaits you.

Do something amazing today that you enjoy!

Lots of encouragement! Ridge

Sending good thoughts and positive vibes that you will eventually feel confident about your decision to file for divorce. Very hard decision to make.

Your story sounds so very similar to mine, so I agonize along side of you. It is the worst feeling to be torn, stuck in limbo... this in between space until a final decision is made and signatures are on those divorce papers.

I’ve been married for 18 years and have an amazing family wit my husband. Lots of good times, but the bad times have been really bad. Emotional abuse throughout the years (which I didn’t even realize until I started individual therapy. Mainly manipulation, jealousy, or doing mean-spirited things out of anger. There has also been physical abuse, but it happens so infrequently that I dwell more on the emotional (maybe 7 instances over 18 years... here I go making excuses for him).

Something really bad occurred (more emotional abuse and threatening) when my husband got super drunk. I actually had to call the police for the first time and he was arrested.

The hardest thing was to make that final decision to leave, which I did. Even with all the begging, pleading, crying, emails and texts. It’s been 7 months now but we still do family stuff and I see him pretty frequently because of the kids.

Same exact thing as you... he had an epiphany once I left... realizing how much he loves me and that he took me for granted.

But now what? Do I go back? He started therapy for a few months and then stopped. Just started marriage therapy and the recommendation was that we NOT do that since there has been emotional and physical abuse. She recommends that my husband start therapy again.

Honestly, I don’t trust that it will never happen again. Even in the 7 months separation, there have been a few blow ups from him, and then the normal apology.

I admire you for making a decision either way. I want to get to that point.

Like you said, marriage should be our safe haven. Our husbands should be our protectors. My husband has let me down in this area.

It sounds like your divorce is almost final, and I hope you are feeling better today about your decision.

Best of luck!

Hi Felicia
I'm sorry you're going through something similar in your marriage.
The physical and emotional abuse takes a toll. It starts to feel "normal" which is totally f-rd up. I grew up in a house where my dad frequently abused my mom and us physically and verbally. I never wanted to be in a marriage like that. Like you, the abuse with my husband didn't happen every day but it WAS happening. It annoyed and bothered me that to everyone else he was a super nice and easygoing guy. He's never gotten into a physical fight with another man yet he's going to be that way to ME...his wife?? I called a domestic abuse hotline and they said abuse is abuse if it happens once or all the time. They said marriage counseling isn't the answer ...the man who abuses need therapy. He did go to counseling a bit after I left but stopped. Of course he's saying he'll do whatever I want if I go back. Like you, during this separation I've seen blow-ups and the same controlling behavior I saw before. I have to admit I was a little tempted to go back because "hey what if he will change?" But deep down I know someone with control and respect issues aren't going to change. He would do something then say why it was my fault then apologize. He said I made him so mad that's why he hit me. The domestic abuse hotline said that's a big red flag. He begged and begged but my head told me he's NOT going to change. Why do I want to go back to that rollercoaster. My feelings for him changed too. Why would I want to be with someone who tells me I'm selfish for wanting to go back and get my doctorate degree? Someone who has repeatedly called me a lazy b*tch. Someone who dismissed me when I used to try to keep our sex life active. He later admitted he was watching porn. Ugh. Just too much has happened. Marriage is hard work but it shouldn't be this hard! I married at 27 and will be divorced at 50 and I feel optimistic about the future. No man is going to disrespect me ever again and get away with it.
There's a book I recommend called Why Does He Do That - Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. It's eye opening.
It's funny how I still feel twinges of guilt. I guess because I'm a loving and caring person and gave my marriage my all and do love him in spite of all this. But looking back, he was mainly happy if he got his way in our marriage and he didn't support me in things that mattered to me. I know I deserve so much better. In my last email to him I told him he needed counseling because no woman is going to want to be with him if she didn't feel safe with him. That's what a marriage is supposed to be - safe and supportive and loving.
I wish you the best in making your decision. Sometimes there's just a breaking point where you just realize you want and deserve more in a relationship. I tried and tried with him and he's promising the world now that I've walked away? I just don't trust that. And let's say he would change although from what I've been reading, men like this DON'T change, it's just too late.
This was a really hard process. Leaving your " comfort zone" even though it was uncomfortable was difficult. I do think of the good times we had. But think about your overall happiness. Life is too short.
Sending love and light your way. ❤️

JulieRainn,

Thank you so much. It’s comforting to me to hear your story. It’s already been 7 months of living apart, but the feeling of being stuck just won’t go away. My husband continues to try, continues to ask for another chance. Hearing stories like yours, really helps me through this process.

I don’t trust that my husband won’t ever be emotionally adusive again. And even though the physical abuse is rare, can’t even convince myself that I’ll never experience that again with him. But there i this tiny part of me... the part of me that always gives people the benefit of the doubt, no matter how many times they’ve let me down...that he can change. But even if he does change, I don’t feel the same about him. I care about him deeply and there is love because he’s the father of my kids... but I don’t feel the way I should feel about my husband. I have no desire to be intimate with him. He didn’t keep me safe.

I really appreciate the book recommendation... I just ordered it! I hope it helps me get a little more clarity.

Has your husband finally stopped the begging and pleading for another chance? How are things between you now? I hope he’s cooperating and not making the divorce process difficult. I think your divorce is almost final, right? I envy you for having the courage to make a decision. That is a huge step. Making the decision. You’ve learned so much because of this and like you, I will never allow another man to disrespect me. Your next chapter is going to be awesome... fresh start. Best of luck!

I don't know where you are in the process of this post, as it's been almost a month. But because this exact subject just came up on another site I'm involved in, I felt impelled to jump in.

Having given my own marriage a 34 year college-try, I can say with absolute conviction that people like your husband and mine don't really change their stripes. Sure they can improve, but it will nearly always be temporary as long as they aren't willing to do the tough work with a therapist. And they have to want it.

My husband wanted it the first time, put in the tough work and the transformation was dramatic. It was some of the strongest years of our marriage. But when he made the decision to stop working at it, he reverted right back where he started. Worse actually.

My husband never struck me, or even laid a hand on me--and if he had, that would have been it for me. But I stayed in spite of many red flags because at that point, neither of us were ready to let go.

I don't want to give you advice either way, but although I'm not sorry I gave him those earlier chances, I AM very sorry I stayed through our last decade. In the end he did just enough to keep me hopeful and then abruptly abandoned me--no job, no support, no savings, no nothing.

Had I done it earlier, I would have had many of those support systems (job, savings etc.). What a colossal chump I was to fall for it. I should have trusted that men like that don't ever really change.

Good luck. I hope it all works out better for you than it did me.