One year ago, I came home for lunch and found John (fake husband name for his privacy) with another woman. He left the house for a few weeks but came back and told me he wanted to work on our marriage and that he loves me and our two kids (both 1 years old at the time). I was the only one working supporting him while he went to school. He moved back home and has been sleeping in another room since. In the beginning I was really hurt but remain calm because I did not want to disrupt my children’s growth. I had hope for us to salvage our partnership since he seemed to be turning a new leaf, but it did not last long. We started arguing once the kids went down. He wants me to work on the marriage and put more effort into making it work. I’m beyond frustrated because he continues to lie and disrespect me. At this point I don’t know what to do.
My parents are traditional and my mom has told me to stay and make it work. She stayed with my dad through all his infidelity and says at least John still wants to be with me and the kids. Not everyone in my family knows of my situation since I hate to burden others.
I probably would stay and make it work if I actually believed John did love me. I reflect on our 12 years together 7 married and I just seem to forgive and forgive with no changes (definition of insanity). He cheated before when we were dating. When we married I told him, if he ever wants to be with anyone else, to just tell me and we can desolve the marriage; to not cheat on me, if he did, it would be the end of us. Now I feel like I am betraying myself. In our 12 years together I have not loved myself. I was so busy supporting him because I empathized with his traumatic childhood/family history. I just wanted to show him that he was worth loving and that he is a good man who just made difficult decisions. I think I gave him more excuses than what he gave me.
I want to remain kind, its hard to be kind around him. I have always been a trusting person, I don’t think it’s nieve, but it’s hard to trust him, especially when he still lies. I have asked him to be more transparent to ease my anxiety but if anything he’s better at being secretive.
I don’t like me when I look in the mirror. I’m fighting to not lose myself and I feel like the only way is to let him go. I want to end our marriage but I also feel like I’m being selfish and should stay for my family and children. Sometime I convince myself I can make it work by caring less, so his lying and disrespect won’t hurt me so much, but it’s not in my nature to not care.
My children keeps me going. They are the most beautiful souls on earth. I want to be a better mom for them and apart of that is to love and care for myself.... what do I do?
Look up shy or covert narcissist or even just narcissist. I have been married to two. And what you describe sounds like it fits your relationship too. What made me get out was the realization that my kids are watching this and learning what a relationship should look like. That was not what I wanted for them.