I can’t stand this anymore. I don’t know what to do. I just need someone to talk to. An unbiased party. Let me start out with the basics. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We have one child who is 4. During this time my husband has basically become an alcoholic. Perhaps semi-functioning alcoholic. He has had multiple jobs which he has been either fired or “laid off” from. He doesn’t seem to be able to maintain any sort of stable income and is currently unemployed. Every night at exactly 8:00 pm he goes into our office, plays video games and drinks until about 2-3am. I am an RN. I recently quit my old job to take on a new job that pays more, while still working occasionally at my old job. I have to do this because he refuses to work, and somebody has to pay the bills. He has taken out multiple credit cards in my name (yes, I know that’s illegal) and maxed them out. To the point that we have filed for bankruptcy. I have no family here. Everyone lives in another state. I know what the obvious answer is to my solution, but why am I so afraid to follow through with leaving? I can afford to live on my own, but I don’t know what is holding me back.

On top of the drinking and unemployment he’s pretty controlling. He calls me constantly when I’m at work to see what I’m doing. On my days off I always feel like he’s standing over me “checking” on me. Constantly accuses me of cheating, even though that thought has never even crossed my mind. I have some orientation things to do for my new job over several days which will require me to travel 2 hours a day. I suggested I just stay with my friend who happens to live in that city during that time. He became very angry, accusing me of wanting to go up there to have an affair. I told him that I hadn’t seen my friend for a very long time and thought it would be nice to catch up too, but again he basically told me that I wasn’t allowed to go.

I have recently lost a lot of weight, I’ve started running, changed up my hair. Things to make me feel better about myself. Of course, he chalks this up to me planning to leave him, instead of just being happy for me like a normal person.

I also take antidepressants and he’s always throwing that in my face. Sometimes when we’re in public and we get into a disagreement he’ll say things like, “did you take your meds today?” Loudly so other people are sure to hear it. It’s so embarrassing but I just pretend not to hear it.

I’m not perfect. I do get angry at him and yell. I’ve told him that I am going to leave him so many times that I’m sure he no longer believes me. I just get so angry and frustrated I don’t know what to do.

Any words of encouragement or advice would be greatly appreciated.

You need help I looked into help from the county I live in to help me with court costs and filing fees. Divorce lawyers sometimes do pro bono work too call a couple lawyers for a free consultation or call as many as you need Get a list of questions together before you call cuz the free consults are usually 15 minuets I wish you the best call for help the sooner you do the better for you and your child.

Famous Almost: I would get out of where you are ASAP. Call the Domestic Violence Hotline. He is controlling/abusive/out-of-control. Take your child with you. Leave with the help of the Police if you have to. If you cannot afford a Lawyer, call the Women's Bar Association. He has also financially abused you via credit. Please leave for your own sanity. My ex started drinking at the end of the marriage. I had a nervous breakdown before then - long story.

I am actually online looking for support for similar reasons. My husband does go to work but after work he seems to live for playing online video games. It has been going on for five years now. I am a working woman who pays 50% of everything so there have been fights. I work and also do more housework, take care of our child etc...But people told me it's me basically. So I put up with it. Earlier this year it came out that he met someone online. He actually intended to divorce me to date her.

I begged for him to stay for our child. I 'm still shocked at how vulnerable I was. And a little ashamed. I'm highly educated and pay my own way.

The kick is that the girl wasn't interested in him romantically. She is much younger and was having fun flirting. Of course he wanted to work things out.
Yes, I'm a fool. And he still games every night. All night.
The point? It doesn't get better. I am miserable and my son knows it. Staying for the children isn't the answer.

I hope that you have more self respect than I do.

I just don't get it. I am a college graduate with a good career and for some reason I have zero self esteem. I think after our bankruptcy stuff is finalized I am going to get out. I'm sure my husband thinks that I want to leave him for someone else, but that is the furthest thing from my mind. I just want to be on my own and know that I have some financial stability. Stay strong Cheyenne! We can get through this!

Cheyanne & Famous Amos

I used to be both of you. I was lucky if he'd get off his computer for more than an hour a day unless it was for work (which he did maintain, somehow). I'm also on the older end of the spectrum and deathly feared striking out on my own. For years, I rationalized staying put because of those fears. And, I kept hoping he'd eventually wake up.

I lost every speck of self-respect doing this because I allowed fear to keep me stuck there. And in the end, it was him that pulled the trigger because of someone he met online.

It took us two full years to physically split--partly because we tried limbo counseling, and partly because of massive guilt on his part, but we did get there. I'm not convinced we would have if I didn't begin having my own change of heart.

Somewhere along the way I finally figured out that being alone without him was FAR better for me than being alone with him. No matter how difficult a position I am in right now (and believe me, it's pretty pitiful), I'd rather endure a thousand days like this, than one more minute lopsidedly invested in the life I had with him.

Sure, I'm still enduring massive crying fits and struggling with pretty much everything, but I also know this pain is finite. If we stayed together that wouldn't be the case.

I haven't reached the stage of gaining my self-respect back yet, but I am starting to like the feeling of waking each day wondering what else I can do to fill my time for ME. I'm spending less money, discovering new interests, and even giggled a little last week when I clicked "watch the next episode" on a show I allowed myself to binge watch (something he hated). Yesterday, I had another tiny soul satisfying moment when I returned home from being away overnight and everything in the house was exactly as I left it. A small thing yes, but oh so big at the same time.

All I can say is don't doubt your gut. My gut told me to get out and I didn't listen. Those are five years I can never get back. Now that I'm starting to see things a bit more clearly, I kick myself for that. Trust me ladies, after investing 34 years of my life in him, my heart is still very heavy, but I'm finally in control of how long or short this process will be...and that's a very good place to be.

Hope this helps in some way. Good luck.

Thank you Jianu! That is what I needed. Someone who has already been through it. Every year I stay with him is another year I have missed out on happiness... on being me. Our relationship has turned me into this angry and cynical person and that isn’t me. I hope that when I leave that I am able to find myself again. I am so afraid of going out on my own, but I know this is what needs to happen.

I'm still very afraid FamousAmos, don't get me wrong. And I'm still very much in the thick of the emotional aftermath. My head knows this is better for me, but my stubborn heart does not want to agree. In fact, I still worry that he'll call and say he changed his mind because I don't think I'm strong enough yet to say no.

But here's the thing. I'm letting my head steer my course. For as long as it takes for my heart to catch up, that's what I have to do. That's why three weeks ago when he stood in the kitchen a day before leaving and asked, "aren't you sad about any of this?", I was able to say, "no, I'm more relieved." I lied to him, and I lied to myself--because my head is FAR smarter and more cunning than my heart ever was.

I know sooner or later, because of the small things I mentioned in my first response, I will heal enough to tell him "no" should that dreaded call ever come. And I will also (hopefully) be strong enough by then to really mean it. I miss so many things about the life I had, but the pain I lived with in order to have that life is VERY different from the pain I'm experiencing now. One was destructive with no hope of improvement--this one now will pass, and I'll be better off for having experienced it. I hope.

Follow your gut. Good luck to both of us.

My ex did this kind of stuff to me. And he was SO positive that I'd never be able to leave. Our situation was a little different: he made waaay more than I did, and I was only ever able to do short contracts because our boys are special needs and the schools and daycares would call needing support. My ex said "well, it makes more sense to lose your pay for three hours than my pay, because I make more" which somehow made sense to me (even though it set my career back decades). But he did the same controlling things, and said the same things about my meds in public and in front of family as his instant no-fault-out of a confrontation when he was a jerk.

Well, I left. I left him with not a penny, and I made it. I got a new job, and they worked with my bizarre kid schedule, and then I got a safe place, and then I just did everything I had to do.

My advice: Leave him. TAKE THE KID. And I wouldn't tell him you're leaving. Just do it. And when he loses his mind, tell him, "How many times did I tell you? Really, one more time and you would have believed me? You're crazier than you think I am if you believe that BS."

File the paperwork. And get a GD lawyer. YOU NEED ONE. Your lawyer will tell you when to move out. Don't get a place while you're still married, or it's considered marital property, and he has rights to it. You have to file paperwork first. File your intent to separate or whatever, and listen to your lawyer.

And bend over backwards to cooperate with him when it comes to the kid, even if he doesn't reciprocate. And keep a notebook of that stuff. The court will look at it and say, "She tries, he doesn't" and it will color their final decision in your favor.

Get as much in writing as possible. In Ohio, you can record someone else without their consent as long as you are part of the recording. So get some recordings of his behavior toward you.

ALSO: GOOD FOR YOU to lose that weight and take care of your health! YOU GO GIRL!!!

I just wanted to update on this post I made a few months ago. Everything came to a head not long after this post was made. He became violent and I ended up putting a protective order on him. After a month of him not being allowed contact with me or our son I dropped the PO. We are no longer living together and I finally feel like I am at peace. I go to counseling weekly now. I plan on filing for divorce after Christmas. I like to think of this as starting a new chapter in my life, but really I might just be starting a whole new book lol.