My life in a nutshell. My husband and I have been together since 8th grade. He has had his ups and downs struggling with addiction. He has gotten clean many times but always ended up replacing one habit with another. Since we got together so young, I thought he would grow out of that type of behavior. But here we are at 38 years old and still struggling. We have three children together, our oldest is 21 and our youngest is 10. He works very hard to provide for us, but he uses that as a crutch to be able to do whatever he wants to do. He says " I'm the breadwinner I shouldn't be questioned." He spent very little time with me you were the children. When he does have free time, he chooses to spend it with a friend, who is a very bad influence, or he stays in the garage all night. Sometimes he doesn't come to bed until 4 or 5 in the morning , sometimes he stays up all night and then goes to work with no sleep . I love him very much and don't want to see our marriage end but something has to change. He seems very resistant, claiming that there is nothing wrong with our relationship. I don't want to give up, but I do not see a change. Any advice would be gladly accepted.

I feel your pain, going through the same thing myself. I feel deep down like I know what I NEED to do but just don’t know how to start

Malena, I get it. I was married for 26 years and unhappy for a great deal of them. We got married right after I graduated college, so I went from home to dorm to married to kids. I never took the time to figure out who I was. I went right to wife and then to mother. When the kids were young I just thought it was hard because we had young kids. Looking back they were a great distraction. As they got older I could see our relationship deteriorating. I was so unhappy and so lonely. Things got really bad and then I found out he was a high functioning alcoholic. He went to AA and a month later told me he was leaving me. Our divorce was just recently finalized. My kids are in their 20s and struggling with it all, the divorce, finding out their dad is an alcoholic, etc.

The three years since he walked out until the divorce were the hardest three years of my life. We are so comfortable in our chaos that being in a lonely, unhappy marriage with no future, seemed so much better than being alone. Well I took those three years and did nothing but worked on healing ME. I put all I had into it.

It is still hard as it ends up he was with someone near the end of the marriage and I had no idea. So he appears to be on with his life, but I know he never did the work necessary for healing. But that's his deal, not mine. It's been very hard but worth every second. I'd rather be alone than living with someone and lonely.

I am selling my house and tonight was going through old papers. I found the receipt from my engagement ring, and my marriage certificate and things like that which bring up memories. But that's all they are and I see them for what they are and let them go. I know I have a full life waiting for me full of possibilities and adventure.

Next month after I sell my house, I put everything in storage, and am traveling to Southeast Asia for 2 months. It is MY turn. It is time to take care of me. Ive taken care of everyone else for so many years and now it's my turn.

You can do this. You are still young. I am in my 50s and starting over and I wouldn't have it any other way. The work is hard but worth it. Find a support system, focus on healing and taking care of you.

Either you will find how much you love yourself and deserve better or find yourself and realize you can both heal together and figure out how to continue on with the rest of your days. Whatever you do, figure out who you are and everything else will fall into place, in time.

Malena: I would get a consultation with a Lawyer. There is a lot at stake in a long term marriage like the home and retirement. It sounds like he checked out of the marriage a long time ago emotionally like my ex did. He spent very little time with us, also, preferring to spend time alone at strip clubs, Hooters, etc., and he was also a very good provider. I had a nervous breakdown about 10 years ago because of him. I was married for 21 yrs. He didn't come home till 9 or 10 p.m. from the start - wished I'd ended it a long time ago - then he was coming home around midnight sometimes. I was in my late 40s when he left. He started drinking a lot toward the end of the marriage. Your husband could die young due to addictions and lack of sleep. I'd bet his addictions caught up with him in the garage. If he does not get professional help and cannot get clean, I would leave the marriage. Our daughter was 18 when he left. My heart goes out to you.