My ex divorced me two years ago after 30 years of marriage. I'm just realizing this today. I've been depressed and suicidal and have minimized how this divorce has effected me or how much it can really effect someone. I was married to him for more than 1/2 of my life. He was my rock, my care taker, had all the answers but was very controlling and could be very abusive. It was confusing and still is because there were so many good times. I'm 56 years old and confused. I've been in a relationship for over a year and living with my boyfriend. I know stupid right??? Let me explain. When my ex divorced me it was like I was on a sinking ship in frigid waters. I grabbed onto the first floating plank in the ocean I could grab onto and that was another man. I didn't think I could make it and still don't without a man in my life. It has to do with all of the abandonment growing up. So here I am depressed with suicidal ideation daily trying to find my way. The guy I'm with is nothing like my ex. Not abusive. Not making excuses for why I'm in a relationship but here I am realizing half my life is gone and I don't know where to begin. I just take it one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Afraid of abandonment again. I need to learn to not abandon myself. I need support of other women going through similar situation. Standing strong together. We can do this. We don't have to do this alone.
Honey, Please don't settle. I'm in a different situation, but still teaching myself it's ok to be just me. It is. No one to answer to, no one's laundry but my own...do what I WANT. It will be ok. Just takes a while. Thought I'd lucked out with my first boyfriend from hs after 30 years. Ha! 30 years is a lot to un **** up....and I can't do it anymore.........
It amazes me how many stories here (and elsewhere) echo my own situation. Me: 58, discarded after 34 years, have similar issues over abandonment and feeling more lost than ever in my life. I don't know how to adult without my ex because we spent most of our adult lives together.
Unlike you, mine is still fresh. He's only been gone a month, but I did have a solid year prior to prepare. That helped, but not as much as I hoped it would. I too am depressed and have had suicidal thoughts and it scares the crap out of me. I'm confused, trapped and majorly unsupported by the majority of my friends. I'm also unemployed due to both care-giving, and a disability that I'm praying won't be permanent.
As much as I want to race out and start dating people, my situation is pretty much preventing me from doing that...which I'm thinking is a good thing even if it does depress the hell out of me. My head knows that jumping into something else so quickly isn't the smartest move, but this solitary existence (mom has dementia)is killing me and I want to do that in spite of the difficulties.
I don't have a magic pill, but there are days when I feel a bit less lost and needy. I'm starting to realize that those days usually correspond with activities where I am taking charge of my space. Every single time I rid a corner of this house of him, and fill it with ME, it buoys me a little. It's still a temporary and fleeting thing, but I think I figured out that if I keep doing it, a little at a time, sooner or later it's going to become less and less temporary.
Carol, I think this process is teaching me how to live in my own skin. I never thought myself capable of being a happy single person, but I'd surely love to get to a point where I'm seeking a relationship for the right reasons and not feeling like I 'need' one.
Not sure if any of this helps, but you aren't alone. Hugs.