I'm a 40 year old male. Divorced 3 years ago but it was super amicable. Just did not work out. 1 son (6). He lives with me pretty much full time although we are "joint". We mutually support him and have a good co-parenting thing going. Yes, I do all the heavy lifting (homework, school lunches, showers, playdates, birthday functions, coach his team, etc. you name it). It's like full house except only Danny Tanner and a son (no girls). But all in all, there is no animosity, the divorce was simple, we've both moved on, and we get along just fine. Boy is happy and healthy.

Started dating "seriously" last year - everything before that was just to get back on my feet. Girlfriend (GF) was 40 at the time. Now she's a little over 41. We had an amazing first couple of months, but within 4 or 5 months in, I was getting a double dose of not pleasant: those 2 issues were - - -

(i) ISSUE 1: she did not like my interactions with ex wife - i.e. inviting her to kids bday party I planned at a venue (girlfriend chose not to come because she wasnt comfortable since we werent yet married - this is 8 months into dating her); for his sports games on the weekends, she wanted me to tell ex that ex should only come to 2 a month so GF can come to the other 2 (if someone told me when and where I am allowed to go to support my boy I'd laugh). I used to eat a meal with boy and ex wife maybe on average 2x every 4 months (back in 2016 or early 2017) to have son see his folks civil, peaceful, not hostile, etc. Basically all the things you try to do so you hope and pray boy ends up more than fine. GF came to 1 game (and ended up sitting next to ex) and said it was the most uncomfortable and difficult thing she ever had to do and seeing me interact with her (whatever those interactions were all predicted on boy - i.e. he needs to get a haircut, maybe he needs new shoes....) GF told me there is no need for me to do halloween with ex wife and son ever again (and that we should do so independently). Says all other divorced people have schedules, structure, etc and what we have is some loosy-goosy situation that makes it very hard for anyone to come in (I don't personally think so). Long and short of it is that I've been repeatedly told that the way I'm conducting the co-parenting is over the top and there are not enough boundaries and that boy will turn out fine.

(ii) ISSUE 2: she has been pushing for marriage and/or baby making for the last 6 months, very hard - citing that she is 41, her baby window is probably gone already and that she needs to know whether or not there will be progress and no more stagnation. It doesnt matter what I've done or said to show commitment, to her, commitment and progress is only measured by 1 thing as she puts it - marriage. Says I have given her "nothing" in the relationship (when she is made). She does not care one way or the other if there is a wedding/party, she just wants it handled so we can be in the same house (she refused to move in when I asked her last year saying there is no point unless we are married as there is nothing for me to observe and she is not auditioning). At times, told me that if I dont take action within a few weeks, she'd start dating and seeing what else her life has in store for her.

Caveats:
1) yes - I absolutely love her despite these giant red flags. Probably an issue on my end. At day's end, she loves me too, but does not love these components.
2) yes - she is beyond fantastic and amazing with my son. I cannot even start to get into the details of how good she is to him and the things she's done with him/use. She is great in that regard. He has a decent bond with her as well.
3) yes - she is independent and a very established successfull professional (we both are and money problems are fortunately not a going concern). Her folks did get divorced though and doesnt have a speaking relationship with one parent (for at least a decade now).
4) yes - my ex wife is beyond supportive of my relationship with her and just wants the best for everyone and her son. She'd never get in the way of GF, me and son traveling, or doing all kinds of family activities. Absoloutly no issues on ex's part.
5) no - my family and friends are not fans of GF. Family has not met her and refuses to and cites what they've heard through the grapevine as enough to know she's not the one and has no place to be in my life (unfortunatly, family is not the brightest and quite close minded and last generation caveman style). I begged them to just sit at coffee for 10 min and meet her, but they refused. But yes - that would be a whole different mountain to have to scale later on (they have no clue about issue 1). Almost sickens me to think about it. My friends are just over it saying she is stubborn, selfish, insecure, name your cliche, and if it isnt this - later on, something else will manifest. They say there will always be 'something'
6) no - I am not fearful of marriage but I do observe and analyze. I asked for us to try therapy - she refused saying its pointless.
7) She said the only way this can work is if I stop the stagnation so we can see each other more than 2 or 3x a week and be in the same home and travel, etc and be like other real couples - says she sees everyone else happy (mainly via social media) so she must be cursed...
8) Yes - her actions did cause me to become "reactive". Once I first noticed this about 10 months ago - everything has kind of just focused on all this. We still have fun, but this giant elephant in the room is so tense, you can cut it with a knife. I didnt make xmas plans with her out of being reactive (that she choose not to come to the bday for my kid). Similar cause and effect situations. So I'd be lying if I said Ive done a good job managing the fallout. I've also malfunctioned in ways by placating her, etc.

What do I do? Is this me? Did I cause this and mismanage? Am I dealing with someone where this is just a glimpse of the future? I dont want to walk on egg shells but I dont want to lose her. I feel guilt but I also feel like I'm right. This one oddly enough hurts more than the divorce.

So lost - so is she - but I am beyond lost. Do I just suck it up and realize this can NEVER work? Or to I take the route of the irrational love and just trust her and the process and pray this works out. Currently we are "not together" and I've been banned/blocked from phone/social media, etc. We currently communicate just by email. She says I need to move on and this is all too complicated for her and that she needs to focus on her peace and happiness and she thought she'd be able to handle this but cant (but at the same time, I also know if I literally tell her "ok let's go get married tomorrow" she'd immediatly come around).

Remember - I cannot sit here anymore and say lets revisit in 3 months, much less even 2 or probably 1. And unfortunatly, proper therapy is 99% a NO.

HELP HELP HELP. THank you first responders :)

I’m sorry that you are feeling this way. Very complicated situation.

First, let me start by saying you are very fortunate to have the co-parenting situation you have. It sounds peaceful...and peace is what a lot of divorced couples want but don’t have. Your son is beyond blessed that he still has his family even though his parents are divorced.

Second, a girlfriend that truly loves you AND loves your son, would never ask you to NOT invite your son’s MOTHER to his birthday parties or to ask the ex NOT to attend some of his sporting events. Honestly, that makes me sick to my stomach. You and your ex are putting your son first and doing what’s in his best interest. If I end up divorced (separated now)... I pray that my husband and I can set aside our differences and still attend our kids stuff together.
Your girlfriend is very insecure. I might understand her request if your ex was a very bad parent and your GF was looking out for the best interest of your son. She’s not. She’s looking out for her best interest.

Third, I understand you may love her (but, you jumped into a serious relationship after only being divorced two years)... and I’m sure it’s great to feel love again. But you know this from experience. Things change in a marriage. Sometimes that love fades and you must have something else to hold the relationship together.

Fourth, do you really, truly want to get married right now? If not, don’t. You’ve been married. I do not recommend jumping into another marriage because you are “stuck between a rock and a hard place.”

Fifth, your family doesn’t like her. Granted, they should take some time to get to know her more, but this is always a red flag.

Sixth, think about it. Your ex, who is your son’s MOTHER is totally fine with you doing stuff and traveling with this other woman, and HER SON. But the other woman, your GF, is not ok when your ex attends HER SON’s games? Really? Just say that out loud and see how that sounds.

I totally get boundaries. I don’t think having dinner with just the ex, or going to the movies with just the ex, is cool.. but it doesn’t sound like this is happening. You are co-parenting in a healthy way that is good for your child.

You sound like a great guy. If your GF isn’t secure enough and doesn’t love you enough to handle the life you have built for you and your son, she isn’t the one.

Best of luck!

Thank you Felicia. This is helpful. I am going to stick to logic and instict over love, and no matter how much it hurts, this is set up for drama and failure, which I want no part of. Yes, she's wonderful and great, but like you said, if she doesn't get this, only problems with arise. Another poster said I've been the inflexible one etc, if I felt I was, trust me, if adjust accordingly. This isn't about that. It's about rationality and reasonability.

As insecure as you portray your GF in this post, I think I understand her frustration. You're attending social events with your ex, going to sports activities with her, eating together as a 'family' occasionally, and spending holidays together. Further, by your own admission you're inflexible in terms of allowing the new woman in your life to have a valued say in how things could be re-structured.

I'm pretty secure, independent and relatively well-adjusted, but there's no way in hell I'd step into a life like that, no matter how much love I felt for him. Don't get me wrong, I wholeheartedly agree with civil and amicable co-parenting and on that score, your child is blessed. But what you described IS over the top. It's not typical at all.

Also, while there are certainly red flags in what you described, I can't help but wonder how many of her insecurities came from your own lack of flexibility. How can she feel truly valued and part of the equation if you aren't willing to adjust the situation to accommodate her as an active and equal part? If you love her as much as you profess, one would think you'd be eager to do that.

I'm overlooking issue #2 because of all you've described in issue #1. Sounds to me like it's her only option to 'feel' included in your life.

Maybe try flipping this situation around--if it were her spending so much quality time with her 'old' family unit, and was seemingly unwilling to change anything to accommodate your coming in, would you stick around?

Sounds like a mess. Yes, the "baby window" for her probably has shut. If she is/was considering moving on and looking elsewhere...….and.....your family and friends don't care for her and tell you so, well, I think it's time to move on and take a break first and focus on your son and the co-parenting. I think you deserve better than this.

I think marriage is only going to exacerbate the issues ur having. It sounds like u and ur ex have a solid foundation for ur child. If the relationship feels comfortable for ur child and makes them happier and more stable it seems like the relationship w the girlfriend needs to change and if she’s not willing to come to a compromise it may b time to revisit what is important to u and best for ur kid. Good luck!