I immigrated here to be with my husband over 12 years ago. We have a child together (2 years of age). We were meant to be going back to my home country if this didnt work out but he decided (without discussing it with me) that he didnt want to. He has an unhealthy relationship with his mother who is involved and aware of every aspect of our marriage and most recently making decisions about my childs welfare, upbringing and medical care which my husband lets her. In fact, he has told me he values her input over mine. We have 12 years work of unresolved arguments, he prefers not to talk about them and just act as if nothing has happened. As a result I have so much resentment, epecially when he pretends everything is ok, it makes me look like the bad guy when I am still depressed over the last argument. He has over $300k of debt which he didnt tell me about until I immigrated and refuses to get a permanent job (although he does bring money in). This forced me to be the main breadwinner despite me wanting to spend more time with my kid. We live in separate areas of the house. It's miserable. Marriage counseling hasnt worked. He doesnt think there is a problem

I have finally had enough. I have been homesick for 12 years, have no support system and I want to go home. The problem is I saw an attorney recently and they told me it works in my husbands favor the fact he only works 3 days a week because he looks after our child so if I divorce he may get primary residency. This is despite the safety concerns I have leaving my child with him (not purposeful but neglect from basically not being attentive enough). Attorney also said I can never leave the country without my husbands consent which he will not do. So basically if I divorce not only will I struggle greatly financially but I will be completely alone and still homesick. I am basically given a life sentence and being forced to live in a country I dont want to. On the flip side, if I stay with my husband, I stay unhappy in a toxic relationship but at least (just about) financially ok.

What would you do?

This is a very tough situation. I feel your pain and despair, and sincerely feel sorry for you. I’m an immigrant myself, and being on this forum obviously shows I have issues in my marriage too. My advice would be to leave and take a chance on a new life. Staying in this toxic relationship is like hanging on a cliff, and it’s only a matter of time until your fingers will give out and you collapse hard into divorce. With a divorce right now, you will have a chance to find a new life path and meaning. New love, that will make you feel happy again, and you will love your life here. Location has nothing to do with your inner misery. You will carry it anywhere you go. You can be just as unhappy and feel empty in your own country.
You need to stay strong, it won’t be easy with his overbearing mother by his side. But you have to believe in a brighter future. Fight your way through it, there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I know it, I’ve seen it. Not personally, but my close friend ( also immigrant) had similar situation to yours, and divorced him despite her complicated and disadvantaged situation. But now, the storm had passed and she’s married again and just had her second child. And very happy.

Stay strong for yourself and your child! Fight for your right to be happy :) From the bottom of my heart I’m wishing you all the best!

Lana

Hi Lana,

Thank you so much for responding. I completely understand what you are saying about trying to be strong, it is very difficult without any support system around me but I also agree with the fact that divorce gives me a chance at a new life. My biggest concern right now is the chance I could lose my child in terms of residency and only be given visitation rights. The whole situation just seems like Alice in Wonderland when I consider that I am the parent who is truly responsible for planning things from play dates, to food, scheduling, bedtime, buying clothes and basically all the responsibilities. To be potentially penalized for having to work full time because my husband has not found full time work or their job affords them the ability to work a few days a week, seems beyond unfair. If I knew I could at least get residency of my child then I would definitely work the financial side out. The attorney said if I can get him in daycare then things may look different on paper and I have a stronger case, I just need to find a way to afford that and convince my husband.

It certainly is good to hear that others have come out the other side. I know that I am not in a place where I can see that as an option for me because I just feel trapped, but its good to be reminded of it. I need to keep reminding myself. Right now the whole situation just feels bleak and unfair. I find it even worse living in the same house with him right now and watching him act as if everything is fine. It feels like a slap in the face every time because it communicates to me that he truly has no idea how to be in a relationship and that refusing to discuss problems is childish and unhealthy. I guess I am mourning the end of the marriage while I am in it.

Thank you again Lana. I wish there was a live/real time support group for people in my situation, but I guess that's hard in terms of confidentiality and potential legal battles, if people are only considering divorce but not yet there!

Sarah,

Of course I realize that my advice is rather vague and easily said than done. However, it’s hard to give a sound advice without knowing the whole story. Instead, I can only feel empathized with you and share my experiences, in hopes you can take out something useful from it.

For instance, going back to my friend who made it to the “other side”. She was married to a guy who similarly to your husband didn’t want to partake in family responsibilities, resolve problems and recognize her struggle. He worked PT job from home and had an unofficial ”business” on a side making twice as much money as her. They had a child, and she continued to work full time for the purpose of stable income, insurance and other benefits for the family. While, technically he stayed home with their child, to save money on day care.

Alike you, she was taking upon herself all the family responsibilities; from laundry, cleaning , grocery shopping to raising a child, planning and etc. Being an immigrant, she also didn’t have any support system here. However, she refused to live in this toxic relationship, not even for the sake of their young child. She filed for divorce when their girl was 2 or 3 years old. He threatened to take her away and make her life missersble, and I won’t lie, he did for a while. That’s where “stay strong “ part of advice comes to play.

As a result, my friend had to move out into a cheap apartment.As a default, kids always go with the mother, unless it can be prooved that she’s incapable/unsuitable of taking care of them. The court ordered shared custody, and made her pay him child alimony, because A. He’s officially earning less money ( she couldn’t prove that he’s cheating the system and earnes more on a side than her) and B. He stayed with their child at home, supossedly raising it. He kept his promise and made her life a nightmare. She basically had to work for his alimony and attorney’s fees, as he used their child as a weapon of destruction and manipulation, and challenged her every move in court. He knew, how much it will hurt her as a mother and how she will spend her last salary for an attorneys fee to go to court to dispute it. All he had to do is disagree, and it was her burdan to go to court and challenge it. For instance, Not only she had to fight for her kid to participate in sports/ activities, go to certain school or vacation/camps, but she also had to drive her everywhere and pay for everything.

Besides the obvious pain it caused her, she felt only stronger and more confident in leaving him and fighting through it.

I’ve only touched a tip of an iceberg with the problems, pain and misery she had to face after her divorce. With no outside help, just positive self determination, therapists and attorneys. Amidst this difficult period of her life, she managed to stay positive, make new friends, find new love In her live who supports her financially and mentally and not allowing her ex husband to mess with their life anymore.

I don’t know you, or your full story. But you sound like a very intelligent, strong woman. Sometimes, fear can preclude us from making the obvious decisions. Sometimes, you just have to believe in yourself and a good outcome and make the first step. You need to seek legal advice, and Educate yourself on the legal system and your rights. Make the first step, and the rest will play itself out. Certain situations in Life are not fair at times, doesn’t mean you have to endure it. Look for a solution and you will persevere! Don’t settle for fear and misery. It will only get worse and complicated, and you will eventually come back to the same solution. Divorce.

Hi Lana,

Thank you so much and I really do appreciate you sharing that story. I cant believe the strength it must have taken your friend to get through that situation but it is really inspiring to hear about somebody fight, keep a positive attitude and stay strong while also coming out the other side.

Thank you again and I am so glad that it was a good ending for your friend.

He is a controller, manipulating and Emotionally abusive from what you have said.

You said you are the main provider so he is the one who will suffer more financially.

1) Leave, there are plenty of shelters for women in domestic violence and legal help if you can't afford it. There are low income daycare or free. check out what is available to you. But leaving is the first step and finding low income daycare. Maybe someone he doesn't know can watch the child until you find a daycare. Get suggestions from work for low income daycare or someone who cares for children in their home.

Pack a bag for you and one for the child. keep it in the trunk or at a friends house , someone he doesn't know, for emergency exit. Have copies of keys for car, house, etc. copy of records needed.

2) If you have a smartphone sign up for a free month on audible and you get one book free. It is 15 a month after that, write on your calendar a few days before the month is up cancel it. But get the book "Verbally Abusive Relationships, How to recognize them and How to RESPOND" by Patricia Evans. There are several books I could recommend but that is the best one to start and the the one I started with and was recommended by a counselor to me. It will validate you and help you reclaim your power.

3) When you leave, NO contact is best or min. contact with a child involved for visits. you can arrange to meet at someone else's house to hand over the child etc. DON'T try to get him to see your side or get him to understand or hope he will change. I made that mistake and it just made things worse. The book will tell you that also.

Fear is a liar. Fear will steal your happiness, keep you stuck. Cast your fear in the fire. (from the song "Fear is a Liar")

I downloaded the apps for K-Love and Family life radio on my phone. The music validates me and uplifts my spirit as well as some of the talks on family life might help you.


You need to cut out ALL toxic people from your life as much as possible and keep it to a min. with visits for children etc. ...., Him, his mom, other family or supposed friends.
Arrange to exchange the child at a friends house, an open market or place to eat like McDonald's so he is not able to come into your new place and take over or abuse you.

Don't React or respond to any of his comments that are made to control you and get you to react. If you react then he can point to you that you are the crazy one.

IF he is verbally abusive and explosive , record it on your phone for documentation. Don't tell him or he will distroy the phone or attack you. Emotionally divorce him and don't give him power over you or your emotions again. Never try to explain or try to get him to see your side. it will go no where , like before. it becomes a looping argument.

Without knowing more about him that is the best general advice from my experience , that I can give.



Hope this helped. Nora