I have been married to AH (awful husband, or ass hole) for 7 years. We have a beautiful 1 year old together. AH is verbally and emotionally abusive. He insults me daily and is the king of gas lighting. He even tries to gas light me about his gas lighting, it's infuriating. We used to get into physical fights and he would give me black eyes. What would happen is he would corner me and then insult me and demean me to the point where I would be so upset that I would push him or try to hit him, and then he would feel the need to "defend himself" aka sit on me and hit me. He is at least 50 pounds heavier and 6 inches taller than me so he really doesn't need to defend himself, I don't think I could do that much damage to him, he just wanted an excuse to wail on me. But we haven't had a fight like that in a while.

I don't have a job right now because I felt like it was important for me to stay home and be a mom. I was planning to go back to school next month and try to get into a dental assisting program. Before we got married, AH told me that he would work to support the family because he knew it was important for me to stay home if we had kids. But he never really got a career and just works a couple part time/dead end jobs that barely add up to full time. But it's okay because he "at least makes more than me." He also spends 40+ hours a week designing a video game with a buddy. He seems convinced that this is his calling and this is how he is going to make his millions. AH majored in music in college and his buddy dropped out of high school. I would think it was kinda cool if it was just a hobby, but for him it's his main reason for existing. He calls it being an entrepreneur and he's just starting a business. It's is a failed endeavor and isn't going to make any money, but he never listens to me. I've put up with it for years now.

I've talked to AH about separating or divorcing before, but he just gets defensive. He says I'm the one who's causing the problems because I don't work and I don't keep the house clean. He says that if I try to leave he will have his filthy rich mom hire an expensive lawyer and get full custody of our daughter. I guess that's the main reason I haven't left already. I would die if he took her away. I also feel like he might actually be able to get full custody because, like I mentioned earlier, I actually was the one who "threw the first punch" back when we used to fight. But I dare you to find someone who wouldn't react violently to being mocked, ridiculed and tormented. There's just no way to prove it.

I have been thinking (fantasizing, really) about leaving AH for a while now, I just don't know where to start. I know I probably need a job so I can get a place of my own, not to mention a good lawyer that could advocate for me against whatever horror the millionaire MIL conjures up. I don't think I could work and go to school at the same time, but I guess I can always try to go to school later.

Anyway, I don't know if anyone will ever read this or respond, but I actually do feel better after just typing this up. Maybe somebody out there will relate.

You need to get out. Easy to say, I know, but you do. Call a Pro Bono legal service in your area, explain that you've suffered physical abuse and need legal help ASAP. You should also document any abuse--physical or verbal. These are the things that will go the extra mile to help you keep your daughter. DO NOT threaten him with, or tell him you are doing any of it. If you can, sock away whatever money you can while you are still in the marital home. If all else fails, find a shelter that will take you and your daughter--more often than not, they will assist you with getting the legal help you need.

It doesn't matter that he hasn't hit you in a while. It's happened before and not only is it a danger to you, it's a danger to your child too.

I wish you well.

Justalostgirl: I would speak with someone at the Domestic Violence Hotline and visit your local public housing office to see about finding a place.

1) Do not Respond in anyway. Emotionally divorce him and don't react. That will drive him crazy and he will try harder to get you to react. Because it shows him he is losing CONTROL OF YOU. IF react then he can point to you as the crazy one. Bite your tongue and don't say anything. Don't give him that control. Don't give away your power.It is about control, manipulation and power.

2) use your phone and record his explosions. Don't let him know you are doing this or there will be consequences like destroying your phone or attacking you.

3) Leave, there are plenty of shelters for women in domestic violence and legal help if you can't afford it.

4) If you have a smartphone sign up for a free month on audible and you get one book free. It is 15 a month after that, write on your calendar a few days before the month is up cancel it. But get the book "Verbally Abusive Relationships, How to recognize them and How to RESPOND" by Patricia Evans. There are several books I could recommend but that is the best one to start and the the one I started with and was recommended by a counselor to me.

5) When you leave, NO contact is best or min. contact with a child involved for visits. you can arrange to meet at someone else's house to hand over the child etc. DON'T try to get him to see your side or get him to understand or hope he will change. I made that mistake and it just made things worse. The book will tell you that also.

6) After you get on your own there are programs to help single moms, low income women to get training and college programs. First things first, Leave Training can wait. The more you are there the more likely your child will learn to be like HIM. Both of my children did. They disowned me and blamed me for everything.

He most likely learned to be this way from a parent and your not going to change that. We can change no one except ourselves.

Hope this helped. Nora

We are totally in the same boat I'm so over this been married for 4 years and together for 10 has been horrible all those years together mentally abusive physically abusive it's time to move on I just need to figure out how