My husband and I started dating on 12/21/12. When we met, I was recently out of an abusive dating relationship, and he was engaged. He broke off his engagement, for pre-existing issues, and we began dating. He got along well with my family, as well as my church family. He made all of my ex-boyfriends cease contact with me. I felt that he was 100% honest with me. I felt safe and secure. He took care of my battered emotions. We dated, went hiking together. Our sex was amazing. But, there were some bad points. He was deep into the BDSM community. He wanted me to be a part of it... he did things to me that should never have happened. I'm sure that they are things about me online. Despite all of this, we married in 2014. Dated for a year... engaged for a year... married for a year when it all went downhill. He wanted to share me with other men. He wanted me to sleep with his brother. He told me that it was okay if I got pregnant because they were "of the same bloodline anyway." I will never forget the moment that he said that to me. But instead of running away from all of this, making some boundaries or going to counseling... I ran toward it. I wanted to be loved so badly... I wanted to make him proud. I wanted to be the only woman that he would ever go to. So I went along with, and encouraged all of it. Afterwards, I slipped into a severe depression. I was verbally abusive to him. One day I got a text... "how are you?" "Who is this?" and that was the beginning of an affair with a former acquaintance. This new man made me feel loved... I wasn't be "shared" anymore. I felt like his #1... until I learned that he wasn't really divorced or separated yet. He was still married to his wife of 24 years, with three children. I had gotten myself into a terrible situation that I didn't know how to get out. By this time, my husband knew about the affair. He encouraged me to sleep with other men, but I told him that I was emotionally involved as well. I wanted my husband to save me and fight for out married. Looking back, I think that he was trying to. He read all sorts of "love languages" books. He bought me flowers. He tried to take me on dates. For our second wedding anniversary, be went out and bought me a set of dishes. He said he knew how I like traditional things, and China was the second anniversary gift. I was so mean to him... we went to counseling together, and when it was time for me to break off the affair I stopped going. We both treated each other horrible. He said that he was going to his brother's for a few nights, but he never came back. He filed for divorce on Valentine's day, 2017. I stayed home that day, and drank myself into a stupor. I've never been able to get over the pain... I had no support from my church or family. It felt like my world had flipped over. The entire time, this "affair" man was still around.. we'll call him Joe. And I clung to him because he was the only person that I could talk to. Because of me, he left his wife and children... the pain that I was feeling, I made someone else feel it too. Every time I signed another paper for the divorce I cried. And my husband just looked at me. Every time he was more distant. Then I could see on Facebook that he was seeing other women. Younger and thinner women than I could ever be. I still missed him through all of this. Then he stopped, he didn't ask me to sign anymore papers. And everything dragged on. So I got an attorney to finish things up... but I hated it. I was praying that every time we spoke that he would ask to try again. I went out on a limb... I told him that I missed him. I wanted to be friends. I wanted to try again... no reaction. Our divorce was finalized Valentine's day 2018. I can't stop thinking about him... sometimes I try to fill myself with anger against him. But it soon fizzles out, because I am so filled with guilt over what I did to him. I go numb for days and weeks at a time. I thought that I was moving on. I moved from my small town to the DC area. I graduated college. I got a really good job. I'm doing so much on my own now... but I still think of him. I still miss him. And last night I dreamed of him. It's so surreal. I miss him.. his kiss... when he held my hand. I miss the sex so much. I miss his voice. I miss how he would make me laugh. I'm still in a relationship with Joe. He's thinking about moving down here with me. He's looking for jobs. But he's twice my age. He still isn't divorced. I still miss my husband. How do you stop the dreams? How do you move on?

HI Elizabeth,
do you still have fond dreams of other things you did in life? It is normal to have fond memories... and being that you feel some guilt about the way you treated him shows that you are human; but on the other hand, he initiated the "open" relationship so to speak so you should not feel so guilty. Something about what you wrote really stuck out.. the part where you mention that your ex was on facebook with other women "thinner and younger than you". Girlfriend, you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else... It is okay to not have a man in your life until you figure out who you really are and what it is in life that you really want. If guilt is something that you find hard to rid your conscious of then start by terminating your relationship with a married man. I am not being judgmental; it is just a fact that you will never be the one and only love in his life despite his promises that he wants to be with you... he wants an escape from whatever issues he is having in his current marriage but that fact that he is still married says a lot. Try to focus on you and only you.. focus on your mind, spirit and body.