Do I hate him for my misery of do I forgive him because he might not be able to help himself ?
This is a tricky situation for most women in my position who don't want to carry any excess baggage into their future.
My soon to be ex husband has mistreated me for much of the 19 years we've been married and he has let his parents and 4 sisters do so, as well. When asked, he responded by saying he didn't know I was being mistreated by anyone. Over the years I've come to realize that besides the apparent Asexuality, he's also most probably on the Autistic Spectrum with Asperger's Syndrome or he has a developmental delay. I know he can't help himself and he can't do any better even when he tries, it's short lived and he reverts to his old ways within days. He refuses to seek a diagnosis and subsequent treatment.
In this situation, do I forgive him and move on or do I hate him and spew venom ? I certainly don't want to carry this baggage with me for the rest of my life but it's just so hard to overcome. I have such a deep seated hatred for him right now, it's almost too much to bear. I loved him so much and trusted him implicitly, but got none of that in return. In fact, all I ever got was blame, rejection and emotional and psychological abuse.
Maybe I'll start to forgive and let go once I move out and our divorce is finalized. Maybe the distance from him will make me deal with my emotions better. We do share a daughter and will have to see each other at birthdays, Christmas and special occasions. I'd like to be able to be civil at these events and not want to stab him with my fork. Who knows ?! Only time will tell.
Re: Do I hate him for my misery of do I forgive him because he might not be able to help himself ?
Anne: I was married for 21 yrs. We also had a daughter (18 when he left). Ex was diagnosed with Aspergers by his sister, a Doctor, whom he moved in with after he left me and our daughter. He would often neglect me time wise and throw fits, call me names and even pushed me in an unprovoked attack, publicly! PLEASE get a Lawyer and move on! My ex refused to be evaluated and lost many jobs because he was misunderstood. No judgement here, but mine wasn't the type to be married, but a good dad, sounds like you're in a similar situation! I feel for you and best wishes.
Re: Do I hate him for my misery of do I forgive him because he might not be able to help himself ?
Thanks Lara. I've approached a social welfare org to see if I can get some legal aid, i can't afford a lawyer on my own. But yeah, I definitely need a lawyer. I'm moving in a week, wish me lucK !
Re: Do I hate him for my misery of do I forgive him because he might not be able to help himself ?
Anne: Take care! Keep us posted on how you are doing if you want. Best wishes! I hope you can get low cost or free legal help. Yes, you are going to need it. My ex tried to take everything away from me even though he had much more. Please protect yourself financially, especially, and get your own bank account and credit card. A Lawyer would tell you to do this. No joint bank accounts or joint credit cards during separation, either!
Re: Do I hate him for my misery of do I forgive him because he might not be able to help himself ?
I think the beginning of the separation is the hardest emotionally so if you can just make it through that time you will have a clearer head to think about what you feel. It's not your fault that he won't get help.
I was angry for quite a while because of my exes refusal to get help mainly. Now I pity him mostly but not to the point I would let him back in.