Hi there
I have been looking for a site like this but there doesn't seem to be anything like this for men. I am wondering if I can join as I would actually appreciate a woman's perspective.

My wife and I have been married for 11 years with 2 beautiful daughters. The first 10 I can say without a doubt were the best 10 years of my life. Last year she went back to work and this year she was promoted. Her hours at work became longer and longer. That put everything on me. She even said to me "now that I work I expect everything to be done when I get home". I have a full time job too. I just do shift work so I am normally around during the day. Anyway everything was on me. Get the kids ready for school, make their lunches, drive them to school, pick them up, several after sports and programs, get dinner ready and then do bedtime all on a daily basis. Her normal would be to come home in time to tuck the girls in bed, eat the dinner I made, watch TV for a bit, have a long bath then go to bed. She almost never even took her dirty dishes to the kitchen. She left them for me to clean. And she constantly complained that I had to do more. Needless to say I was angry and I did the standard guy thing. I put up walls and became emotionally withdrawn. That part is on me for just taking it and not telling her how I felt or trying to do something about it.

About a month ago I discovered she has been having an affair. I feel shattered. When it came out she said that she thought that I hated her when ever she was around. I argued that I was angry at her because she was never around. Even when she was here she wasn't really here. I thought we were both happy when we both said we can save our marriage. Since then she has been back and forth. Some days we can try others no chance. It's like living with Jeckyl and Hyde. I don't know who I will see on a daily basis. She stopped seeing her lover after the last "let's fix this" but I saw text message in her phone again on Christmas day. I'm done!!! I just can't take this anymore. Throughout this I have thought 10 years of bliss should outweigh 1 year of hell but I am not sure I believe that anymore. The kids are at Grandma's this weekend and I plan to give the ultimatium. But even that I am not sure of anymore. I think I just want to give up and end it once and for all. So you women out there, please give me your opinion. I only have guy friends so I am sure you have an idea what kind of advice I am getting. Is it worth it to try to get back in the past? Or am I just beating a dead horse. Thank you.

First, absolutely this is an area to welcome both women & men simply because it allows for perspective, and hopefully a lot of learning.

Second, from what I have learned so far is that although the circumstances are unique to each individual the common thread remains the same with everyone on here in communication breakdown which leads to enevitable hurt.

A friend told me years ago that the one who cares least in the relationship is the one that controls it and I fully believe it. So it comes down to where is our own personal breaking point in how much control we want to have in a successful relationship.

Personally I think that if you have literally given all you can and communicated your standpoint thourally and still feel as though your spouse is insatiably disregarding your worth then it is time to call it quits. We know when we have given it everything we had & said all we could. So if this is your place then stand up for yourself and for your children and declare that you deserve better.

Going through divorce is an absolutely horrendous experience. Your spouse will do anything to save face and intentionally seek to destroy you at the crafting of lawyers or their own intelligent design & it will work. Because bad marriages ruin everyone until it is over.

Lawyers don’t give a flip about either of you. You are only a cash cow until the money is gone. Lawyers are just as unscrupulous as the “bad spouse” and you will throw up at the process or worse do more harm to yourself because you are so blinded in your perceived faith of the law, your spouses former “good person” years. But the damage is done.

This is not to say throw in the towel of life but rather to get you to know that divorce is about division of property, nothing else. Lawyers screw their clients by making them feel as though they will be the therapy to a win, and at $250 am hour (my current experience) There is no winning, only moving on will put you in a better place of knowing your worth and having future capabilities of sharing a stronger bond with another in good time.

Your spouse will take advantage of you as much as you let them.

Personally I found that I was with a sociopath and he could care less all that I put myself through. I was the cheeper to keep her wife and truly believed we could get through anything but we only did because I let him get away with everything. I wanted it to work so badly that I allowed the abuse.

I swear on my life to you that divorce will hurt you more than you can imagine, but it will bring you the greatest freedom as well. Don’t think for a second that your spouse will ever offer any consessions or feel any level of guilt, they won’t. So decide what is best for the children and document everything! A mistake I did not do and put only a plan in place to moving on.

You will be broken emotionally and financially but you will be able to pick up the pieces and become a stronger man as a simple result of declaring your self worth. The greatest leaders had been broken down by something in their life but made it their life’s purpose to find passion in doing something great. Be great and get out of broken, she will not come around until you stand up and make yourself stronger and more compassionate in all things.

There is no rule that says you can’t get remarried to your current wife, if she truly wants to be with you she will make you a priority. or if her selfish needs comes first, then you see what your investment is worth. I realize that I waisted 18 years of my life and will never get that back.

I know a few women that are horrible to their husbands and know they are in control. Don’t be that guy, it does not get you into heaven to suffer in this way. You deserve better!

Watch the documentary Divorce Corp. on amazon or at the library & you will see how the divorce industry scares people into staying married but it is so much better to be free than to be right.

Also listen to every podcast you can on divorce and read any book on how to prepare for divorce financially it will help keep you from being broke. You do the work & your lawyer is only there to defend your work.

Join a church divorce group as soon as possible. You are so not alone and will find the emotional support you need.

Take care brother.