hi there, i am brand new and reached out to this site today after having repeated panic attacks over the last 24 hours since my husband dropped the "i want a divorce" bomb. it is hard to know where to begin, as i think little things have slowly and quietly chipped away at what i have believed for the last 17 years to be one of the best marriages and relationships i have ever seen. yet i was confronted with "we don't get along, we don't make out any more, every day i wake and wonder (him) if i should stay married or divorce". nutshell of course. i am ready to take myself to an emergency room for some xanax, not kidding and this is coming from a devoted sober individual. i have been divorced once before a very long time ago and it was my choice due to abuse and alcoholism. this most recent event and revelations that our month long backpacking trip in yellowstone which was fabulous according to him and looking to buy mountain retirement property was fraught every day with should i stay married.....had no idea!!!!!! i feel betrayed, lied to, but most of all completely caught off guard and very confused. he has mentioned divorce several times in the last two years and we went to marriage counseling only to find out that he was still on the fence as i worked diligently on my personal best. crazy crushed, cannot sleep or eat but also not willing to fight anymore for a marriage that is totally out of balance and not in my favor. i would really appreciate any feedback as i am a highly educated very succesful woman who has been reduced to a babbling idiot and feeling extreme, fear, insecurity, depression, highly anxious, and incredible sadness at the loss of what i believed to be the 'love of my life". i have never posted anything live before in a blog or chat room so not sure how it all works but i have signed up with my email and so hopefully will received some much needed support. many thanks for your time and consideration, missy

I'm so sorry for how you're feeling and completely understanding how you feel down to the panic attacks.

Don't take yourself to the emergency room unless you fear self harm because they don't take panic attacks seriously at all and if they do, it becomes a psych thing. If possible, go stay with a friend or supportive family member for a few nights to not only calm yourself but to help you think clearly. Remember that a panic attack tricks your body into thinking you're going to die. Work on breathing and remind yourself that you are in control.

These next few days are going to be your toughest, but you will get through it. You may still be confused, but you will somehow think clearer. You will actually in time start to spot the red flags that at the time didn't seem present and instead of being upset, will become angry with him over things that he did and said such as bringing up divorce many times in the past two years.

He may never give you an answer as to why he's not on the same page as you. However if possible before either of your file anything, you can try to have a mutual discussion whether it be on the phone or meeting in a public place like a restaurant to talk about what went wrong, how you feel, and how you both wish to proceed. Whether or not this happens, if you still feel you cannot cope in time there is no shame in going to individual therapy. It doesn't have to be a forever thing ta all and it's helpfully to get an unbiased perspective on things. The therapist will even determine if you need to be on an anti-anxiety medication by recommending you see a psychiatrist. However, sometimes just talking to a professional is enough.

(Sometimes a person's sudden change is caused by their own depression. Before I was married, I was in this wonderful long term relationship that turned sour when he became depressed. I stuck by him anyway, but he ultimately broke it off as his depression not only changed him but caused him to not want the same things as I did anymore.)

I hope you feel better soon and get the answers you want and deserve.

I’m sorry you’re going through this..... I was blind sided with the divorce as well. Mine was finalized in December of last year.
He started distancing himself from me and our daughter. I thought he was suffering from pain due to heart surgery and back surgery and depression but it seems he’s been talking to a couple of siblings and plotting this. The timing was horrible bc our last daughter was graduating from high school in May. He dropped the bomb in March.
We’ve known each other since I was 13 and was married for 29 years. I’m dealing with depression now since I’ve lost my friend and soulmate. I go to divorce support group which is a great help and see a therapist. You will learn that it is a process some days you’re up and other days are down.
Everyone keeps telling me this too shall pass but right now one day at a time.

Hey Michele,
I am so sorry for what's happening to you right now but I felt what you feel now a long time before. My husband was an alcoholic and involved with another woman. When I found out, I was shattered into pieces I got a divorce but my life than became more miserable. Every responsibility came onto me and it became impossible to manage things. Therefore, I suffered from depression. My mom, could not see me like this so she took me to a psychic for help, she helped me get through my fears and motivated me. It was very helpful and now the storm is over. I am very grateful. If you want you can consult her, go here

I hope you are feeling better. It’s a tough road but hopefully you will have some peaks of feeling stronger. I believe in order to get stronger you have to feel weak and anxious first. I started feeling paranoid but feel it was worth it as I feel stronger now and have the ability to live by myself and pretty much enjoy it. Still enjoy adult activities probably much more than when I was married and I get to drive the bus.

Michele, that really pains me to read your post.

I have similar thoughts on my failing marriage and its hard to hear that the marriage you thought was mutually valued turned out to be one sided.

I know things aren’t always great in marriage but it hurts when you value certain moments in life and assume the other person is too but find out later that wasn’t the case.

What sucks for me is I’ve always been very confident in my qualities as a man but have allowed that to get lost in the turmoil.

Good thing in my situation is I’ve noticed a steady rise of resentment towards me and blatantly being taken for granted.

Which in a sense has slowly prepared me for this current turbulence.

It really sucks that you had little to no indication that is was looming on the horizon.

If you are experiencing anxiety attacks, try laying down on your back and rest one hand on your upper stomach.

Take slow deep breaths using your diaphragm and focus on letting each breath move your hand up and down.

Not sure what the science is behind it but something get released through your body that can calm you down.

Be brave!

Michele: I'm sorry you are going through this. If you have insurance to cover counseling, I would recommend it. I was divorced in 2009 to a man with Asperger's Autism (didn't know it when we got married). He left after 21 years. Now is a good time to focus on yourself if no kids are involved like going for walks, spending time with supportive friends and/or family. I go to Senior Yoga and belong to an indoor pool. What you should do is to make an appointment with a Divorce Lawyer to see what is at stake. Sometimes a consultation is free. They will guide you through the whole process, but remember, all court time, phone calls, e-mails, etc., you will be charged for so make sure it is important when you contact them. Take some deep breaths from time to time. It does get better.