Hi ladies please dont judge me for my past because i have gotten myself help and now im stressing about the divorce so here goes ... I have been with my husband 17 years of those 17 we have been married just a hair shy of 9 years. There has been physical mental and emotional abuse from him towards me the entire relationship. A few months in to dating i wasnt happy and thought i was having an adult conversation with him to break up when out of nowhere and for the first time he started punching my head pulling my hair and my mom came to take me to the e.r. and i had a concussion and they reported it to police who then arrested him at his job and he spent two weeks in jail and needless to say we ended up back together and had 4 beautiful kids throughout our relationship. I wouldn't change that for anything. He has belittled me and abused me when i was pregnant as well and a couple years ago i was sitting in the dining room on the floor again talking to him i thought when out of nowhere he threw an 8 in one round heavy screwdriver at me which shattered my right ankle bone and i had to drive myself to the hospital with my four kids and have it casted and drove myself home. On easter two years ago he put me in a headlock and choked me and i defended myself and hit him in the head with a frying pan and flattened the whole side of it grabbed my kids and left to a friends house a whole city away and he had the audicity to call cops on me. They never made contact with me and on memorial day that same year in 2016 we went to his parents and again he abused me and even had help from his father whom has the same sick mentality as his father held my wrists while my husband hit me and again he called the cops on me!! I finally got away and i snuck off the property and i took off walking in shorts a tank top and flip flops and with my cell and i have not been back since that day. I have remained literally homeless sleeping in a car with my friend and i left the kids with him because i had no means to support them and still dont. He has a full time truck driving job and makes over 125 thousand a year and owns two homes both in his name as well as 5 vehicles all in his name. I have no credit because i was a homemaker all the years we were together so everything including accounts are in his name. We live in California. After i left him i became extremely depressed and fell in to heroin to numb the pain and i wish i never had. I got myself off it finally and am clean but still homeless. He has never offered to help me out with food a place to stay a vehicle anything. He tried to get me to return home the entire time i have been gone but i couldn't go back because im afraid now that he legally owns a gun that he may kill me one day because he has told me before he will bury me in the back yard when we would argue. He has never mentioned child support from me never mentioned money troubles he even went out mid 2018 and bought a truck for 8 grand cash. He moved his coworker friend in whom he had nowhere to go and im still on the streets. We are now talking divorce finally! He offered me my truck an apartment to get me in to and to pay some of my fines off. Truck is worth about 4 grand fines are 2,225 and the apartment would run him about 1600. I just learned he has 163 thousand equity in EACH home he owns and he has over 40 thousand in the banks savings account and has been claiming married on his taxes since i have been gone. How can he if he hasnt supported me these past two and a half years? When he offered to do those things for me he changed the apartment to a trailer for me to tow around and he has done nothing in a month and a half to make anything happen. Im tired of being homeless while he has his tjernd there giving him a place to stay when im on the streets. We havent filed yet and my question is will a judge if i take the divorce to court look down on me for past drug use and for leaving my children with him when i left the home and not award me anything or should i take the crummy stuff he is offering me? I feel im getting a raw deap here but i have no money for attorney fees and hes telling me when i left it was detrimental to our family and how i spent money and if by a small miracle i win 40 grand in the divorce that a judge is going to turn around and make me pay it right back to him for child support. .. Is that true or is he trying to stop me from finding a lawyer and could i get a lawyer to cover my fees thru him? Please help. I put in alot of love tears and years staying home raising our kids making him able to work over the road like he has. Does anyone have any adivice on where i should start here and if u think i should take this divirce to court since he hasnt done one thing he offered to do for me

Go to legal aid and get get the proper legal help. This is so complicated, but there are trained attorneys who can and will help you. Best of luck to you and your babies.